Even on the gloomiest Bank holiday you should avoid this lot like a rabid tortoise from Hell.
27/07/08
 | 10. Thunderball | Connery purists won't thank me for picking this one, but come on! I mean yes, it has a cracking theme tune, Connery looks great, the Bond girl is pretty saucy and there is a jet pack, but, it is a very very dull Bond film. There is a smattering of action, but not nearly enough in my opinion.
I know most of you will be wondering why I have included this and not any Dalton or Lazenby films, the reason being that I don't think they are that bad, at least they entertain! Plus, any film where the star turns to the camera and says, "This never happened to the other fella" gets a thumbs up in my book. Also, both Dalton and Lazenby possessed the bum chin, so that makes them holy men and therefore infallible.
Anyway, I digress, "He strikes like Thunderball"? More like Bobby Ball.
Best Moment?
The Jet Pack
Worst Moment?
The lack of action.
|  | 9. Tomorrow Never Dies | Brosnan's second outing as Bond really isn't that bad, it has some cracking moments contained within, sadly, it also has some shite.
Let's start by saying I loved Goldeneye. Before it came out I was really fearing the worst, like when Colin Baker stepped out of the Tardis, but by jingo they did it! It was a great return to form for the franchise.
In Tomorrow Never Dies there is a contender for the worst Bond villain of all time. Elliot Carver (played by a clearly deranged Jonathon Price) is a smug, wheezy tippy-tapping bell end of the highest order. Imagine Goldfinger attempting to sound menacing to Bond whilst endlessly typing away on a type writer, alright, we get it, you like news and stuff, but stop fucking typing. When he isn't typing he opens his mouth and sounds worse, I like to think that the character Jonathon Price played in Jumping Jack Flash turned into Elliot Carver. How do you think Whoopi would have reacted knowing she saved the life of the world's biggest turd? Mind you, I don't know who is worse out of him and Whoopi - I know which one I would rather be stuck in a lift with.
I think a more fitting end to Carver would be him falling onto his own keypad and it going so far up his arse that it kills him.
It is also worth noting Ricky Jay as one of the villains (Gupta) - he looks very embarrassed, poor man.
To make matters worse, Q arrives at the start of Bond's mission looking like he is being powered by the Henson creature workshop, "Don't touch that, that's my puppeteer."
This is also the Bond film in which the exchanges between Bond and Moneypenny turn into sordidness rather than subtlety, which leaves a rather sour taste in your mouth as you imagine them getting it on, but more of that later.
Best Moment:
The motorbike chase
Worst Moment:
Any scene with Elliot Carver
|  | 8. The Man With The Golden Gun | Roger Moore's second bond film is great, full of great moments and a really good villain in Christopher Lee's Scaramanga.
So, why is it in this top 10? I hear you ask.
Well, like a bewildered old man, it has a 20 minute lapse and becomes confused as to whether it is an action film or Smokey and the Bandit.
Good news for fans of the annoying sheriff who very nearly ruined Live and Let Die, he is back, but this time on holiday in Thailand. He bumps into Bond (what are the chances??) and joins him in an epic adventure culminating in to my mind the best car stunt ever committed to celluloid. It is a great shame then that the film makers in their wisdom chose to accompany this great stunt with a fucking lame swanny whistle. It would have been easier to just show someone shitting on the stunt driver, at least then he didn't have to risk anything other than a dry cleaning bill.
Sadly, that whole section of the film puts me off ever wishing to see it in its entirety, while not as bad as Elliot Carver when written down, it's just the fact that they ruined a great stunt with that awful sound effect. Ah, I can hear it now.
Best Moment:
That Car Stunt
Worst Moment:
That Car Stunt
|  | 7. The World Is Not Enough | Brosnan returns with another effort (oh, stop it now). There are seeds of a great film here, a villain that feels no pain and a nice twist on the Bond girl.
Sadly, when casting this film, the film makers chose to cast a busty air head who can barely talk (and sounds like Napoleon Dynamite was her speech therapist) as a Nuclear Scientist. It doesn't take a Nuclear Scientist to tell you that this is a bad move. In fact, if she was playing a pizza delivery girl you would seriously doubt she could find a house or where the Pizza is or what a Pizza is.
To compound that error they call her Dr. Christmas Jones (!?!??!!) For the sole reason (as far as I can see) so that they may tell the "Christmas only comes once a year" joke.
Really?! Why not call her Professor Cocksucker Slagbag III???
If you think that the writers (Neil Purvis and Robert Wade, twats) had quite finished ruining Bond, they hadn't even got started. You know how Robbie Coltrane was great in Goldeneye? Hey, they bring his character back! And guess what? He sucks like a suckedy fuck. He is now peddles caviar and owns a club, he is also suddenly Bond's best mate, which is a bit rich, what with his knee and all.
He is also killed off, which sucks balls, but with his last act of life saves Bond's life....oh dear....
Then, we have Q appearing, once again looking like he is held together with wires. He utters some awful dialogue, apparently, he has always advised Bond to, "Never let them see you bleed". Yes Q, great advice, if I was Bond I would have offered some advice of my own, "Never let them see you when you look 100 and can barely stand on your own."
Never fear readers, John Cleese arrives and paves the way for his taking the Q role (More later about this), and he is awful, I don't know what has happened to John Cleese, he is so annoying now and in this film he comes across like a cross between Basil Fawlty and a chuckle brother.
One of the funniest things old Q says is when Bond takes that rubbish action man boat out onto the Thames, Q pipes up and says something about it being his fishing boat for his holiday. He doesn't look like he could get into a bath, never mind a boat that shoots torpedoes, submerges and goes at high speeds. It would be more believable if Q was actually just a corpse.
M is also kidnapped towards the end and fails to escape from a cupboard, this speaks volumes about the state of the secret service in my opinion, still, at least she didn't leave her lap top in a tapas bar.
Best Moment:
Bond's cold assassination of of Electra
Worst Moment:
The Christmas Joke
|  | 6. For Your Eyes Only | The Bond film that Roger Moore didn't want to do, and it really shows.
It is said that when John Glen took over as directer and wanted to bring a harder edge to Bond, he failed.
This film begins with Bond mourning at his wife's grave, suddenly a helicopter picks him up, and this is where the problems begin.
The helicopter is being piloted by a bald man with his back turned, this is supposed to be Blofeld (Whom the rights to use were no longer the film maker's, so it was a not so subtle joke, and a shit one) but you never see his face. He kills the helicopter pilot and controls the copter remotely. Bond takes control of the copter by way of stunts and to cut a shite story short picks up Blofeld and drops him down a chimney. All the while this is happening you are sat there open mouthed. Really??
Then you get Sheena Easton singing her bland Bond theme and appearing in the titles, good God.
When I was young I was annoyed that he blew up that cool Lotus and then did the obligatory chase in a Citroen pram thing, lame as hell.
Talking of lame, Topol is in this film, need I say more?
One of the main problems with the film (apart from a 12 year old girl lusting over a 60 year old man) is that it is instantly forgettable in every way possible, from the theme tune to the score to the bad guy and to the ending (don't get me started with the Maggie Thatcher impression).
Nuff said.
Best Moment:
Topol?
Worst Moment:
I didn't notice, too bored.
|  | 5. Octopussy | Oh dear, well, where to start here?
You could start with the Tarzan roar as he swings on vines? Telling a Tiger to "Hiss off"? Bond dressed as a clown? The women fighting? Bond arriving in a Union Jack hot air balloon? Fighting with a tennis racket? The little plane coming out of the horses arse?
LAME.
That is all that needs to be said really, again I am overcome with the general sense of monotony and mediocrity.
Watching this film again, I was taken with just how bad the attempts to be funny are here, like Bond zooming in via a video camera on a girls breasts over and over again, like a Benny Hill sketch, but he doesn't just zoom in, he zooms in and out over and over again. I quite expected to find him wanking when it cut back to him, sadly he wasn't. Can I go home yet?
Best Moment:
The boob zoom
Worst Moment:
Has to be the Tarzan swing.
|  | 4. A View To A Kill | You know it is a bad Bond film when you have Bond snowboarding along to music by the Beach Boys.
Christopher Walken is clearly having fun playing Zorin, he is probably "method acting" to combat Moore's questionable performance, as in this film Bond displays every attribute undersireable in a spy, namely no desire to remain incognito at any point; forgetting his own lies; inventing new ones anyway; putting every-one's life in danger and looking far too old.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not ageist, I am glad that Bond can still get about when he is 68, but during the film I could hear this noise all the time and when I investigated further I realised it was the boundaries of credibility stretching to breaking point.
You wouldn't know he was 68 though, he had lots of stamina, for instance he chased a lady up the Eiffel tower, that's amazing. My father is 68 and can only get as far as the front gate without having to stop to catch his breath.
I also liked it when he ruined that couple's wedding on the boat by flying through the roof onto their wedding cake, knocking over young and old alike, causing colossal damage and ruining lives. Did he apologize for this? No, he simply left them with the words "congratulations", handing them a piece of their ruined wedding cake. Well, in my book, that's the behaviour of a prize wanker and no mistake. Was it worth while? No, he let his quarry escape, what a rubbish spy he is.
Though he does have one lead - he sneaks into Max Zorin's house for a horse auction or something, using the name St John Smythe, a cunning name, doesn't stick out at all, since no one has used the name St John since 1856! He instantly arouses suspicion, that's the kind of spy you want, one who makes everyone suspicious of him.
Anyway, lots of excitement ensues, and Bond slips at least 3 women his length, again, not bad for a man of his age, shame he ruins it by saying a rubbish pun.
In the end, the day is saved and Q spies on Bond, via his electric cat (!), having it off in the shower, dirty Q, in your magic Q bed, that may look like a bed, but is actually a robot pie.
Best Moment:
The car chase in Paris.
Worst moment:
Bond waiting in bed for Mayday...eeeek...
|  | 3. Never Say Never Again | Legend has it that when Connery was asked to do this film he said he would never do another one, it is then rumoured that his wife (probably annoyed with him after slapping her about and wanted him humiliated) said "Never say never again.." and this inspired him to do this lump of arse meat.
I know it is not an official Bond film, but Bond he is and shite it am! Never mind that it is just a bad remake of Thunderball, it really stinks to high heaven.
Someone must have thought that to get around the problem of Connery looking old, they would simply put so much make up on him that he looks like he is gearing up for a tour of The Mikado.
Watching him necking with a very young Kim Basinger is like seeing Goldilocks give mouth to mouth to a dying turkey.
Next time Sean, say Never again, for fuck's sake.
Best Moment:
Felix and Bond jet packing up and down for no reason what so ever.
Worst Moment:
Sean in any bright lights, yikes.
|  | 2. Moonraker | Star Wars came along in 1977 (as did I) and changed the world. Films would never be the same again, every other film was ripping it off to try and cash in.
Bond was no different.
Bond in space? Really? Why not? Because it's shite. If someone had handed me this script, I wouldn't have filmed it, I would have wiped my arse on it.
Jaws is back folks (surely a sign that ideas were short) Shirley Bassey is back (Ditto) and this time Jaws falls in love! Hooray!! He also turns good and helps Bond at the end.
I can still picture him now, raising a toast to his new blonde lady and proclaiming, "Here's to us."
Awesome eh? No, that's right, it fucking stinks. I wish I could tell you that was the only bad bit. But it isn't, brace yourselves.
Bond has his own Gondola that turns into a speedboat, which is so ace that a pigeon does a (very badly edited to look like) double take as he mounts the pavement and drives through St Marks Square.
It is such a bad film, culminating in the best/worst joke at the end, I wont go into it now, but suffice to say it mentions re-entry.
Oh, and the Bond girl is called Holly Goodhead, can someone hide the sharp objects?
Best Moment:
Lord knows.
Worst moment:
The pigeon
| AND FINALLY...
 | 1. Die Another Day | At least the others had an excuse, they tried and failed, some were trying to emulate current trends and keep up with the youth, others did not have the dramatically inflated budget of Die Another Day.
Die Another Day was up its own arse so far it made you sick. It was so self satisfied and smug about being self referential that the writers (Neil Purvis and Robert Wade again, Twats) just flung together any old plot and then really put in the work attempting to reference old Bond films, yea, great, that's a shoe someone had in From Russia With Love, great, is there a plot in there somewhere as well?
Q pops up again to annoy the fuck out of you (I suspect the "Q" stands for Qunt) and produces the worst Bond gadget ever created, yes, an invisible car!?
What a pile of shit.
Halle Berry turns up and is woeful, the worst Bond girl ever, no charm, no chemistry, plus, she has the weird habit of eating fruit whilst being sexed up (a little too graphically) by Bond. Incidentally, is she the slaggiest Bond girl yet? She meets Bond and then after making a couple of terrible puns which equate to thinly veiled dirty talk knob references, they are at it like rabbits who just got out of jail after serving 20 years.
Also, this film has the WORST Bond villain ever, Gustav Graves (!)!, a cross between the cheshire cat and Charles Kennedy, he spends most of the film smiling like he is being blown under the table by a fleet of the world's best prostitutes. For his opening gambit he informs us he never sleeps (wow) because, as they say in fencing, "what's the point?" Yea, my thoughts exactly, what's the point of watching this film?
He is also being knighted. Now, being English I know that you generally have to have really achieved something to get knighted, they don't really just hand them out, unless he is officially the world's biggest bell end, in which case, that must be good for British industry and tourism, so, I'm all for it, Knight the fucker.
Graves also has 2 of the worst henchmen ever. First there is Zang, he has diamonds in his face (that's it) and then there is Mr. Kill. When Bond meets Mr. Kill ("I am Mr Kill") he proclaims "Now there's a name to die for". Now, if you were called Mr. Kill, I bet you'd hear jokes about your name all the time. If so, that must surely be the worst one so far, it just doesn't work.
Bond is supposed to be a wit, not a prick.
Halle Berry's character is also one for the wit, she gets to retort twice with such come backs as "Yo Momma" and "Bitch". Brilliant. Pussy Galore she ain't - she isn't a Bond girl, she is a dick.
While we are talking about being a dick, I must mention Madonna and her god awful cameo, she really is terrible, like she has just learnt how to speak and move, plus, she cannot do double entendre, she is so, so, so, so bad, just like her Bond theme, which is, without a doubt, the worst Bond theme ever created, it makes the theme from Never Say Never Again sound like Ode to fucking Joy!!!
Don't even get me started on the CGI surfing on a wave with a discarded parachute, what a pile of shit.
At the start of the film we are shown Bond using a virtual reality training system via a pair of sunglasses, at the end of the film we see Moneypenny and Bond embrace and begin to get it on, we then cut to Qunt catching Moneypenny using said glasses to engage in some erotic fantasy. Is this really how 40 years of gentle flirtation will culminate? In the early films Bond and Moneypenny flirt in a nice cheeky way, even when Dalton got lumbered with that airhead he slapped her on the bott now and again. Now, we get full on sex-cam??
No, no, no, STOP RUINING BOND!
Thankfully they did, eventually. Come in Daniel Craig, you are very welcome, just make sure they don't see you bleed!!
| Comments about This Article |
| Im surprised Diamonds is not on list, bit harsh on die another day, however although some bond films are worse than others, i think they all have there own memorable moments, still think Roger Moore had the best girls, best stunts and best theme tunes...
Comment By: Dean Sargeant, 15 Oct 2008, Rating: 5/5  |
| Suprised Diamonds are Forever is not in the list. That has to be the most excrutiating Connery outing ever. Why he decided to do it after being rebuffed for Lazenby i will never know. The wig he wore should have got an oscar
Comment By: Dave Bolton, 13 Oct 2008, Rating: 3/5  |
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