|Even on the gloomiest Bank holiday you should avoid this lot like a rabid tortoise from Hell.|
|Connery purists won't thank me for picking this one, but come on! I mean yes, it has a cracking theme tune, Connery looks great, the Bond girl is pretty saucy and there is a jet pack, but, it is a very very dull Bond film. There is a smattering of action, but not nearly enough in my opinion.
I know most of you will be wondering why I have included this and not any Dalton or Lazenby films, the reason being that I don't think they are that bad, at least they entertain! Plus, any film where the star turns to the camera and says, "This never happened to the other fella" gets a thumbs up in my book. Also, both Dalton and Lazenby possessed the bum chin, so that makes them holy men and therefore infallible.
Anyway, I digress, "He strikes like Thunderball"? More like Bobby Ball.
The Jet Pack
The lack of action.
|9. Tomorrow Never Dies|
|Brosnan's second outing as Bond really isn't that bad, it has some cracking moments contained within, sadly, it also has some shite.
Let's start by saying I loved Goldeneye. Before it came out I was really fearing the worst, like when Colin Baker stepped out of the Tardis, but by jingo they did it! It was a great return to form for the franchise.
In Tomorrow Never Dies there is a contender for the worst Bond villain of all time. Elliot Carver (played by a clearly deranged Jonathon Price) is a smug, wheezy tippy-tapping bell end of the highest order. Imagine Goldfinger attempting to sound menacing to Bond whilst endlessly typing away on a type writer, alright, we get it, you like news and stuff, but stop fucking typing. When he isn't typing he opens his mouth and sounds worse, I like to think that the character Jonathon Price played in Jumping Jack Flash turned into Elliot Carver. How do you think Whoopi would have reacted knowing she saved the life of the world's biggest turd? Mind you, I don't know who is worse out of him and Whoopi - I know which one I would rather be stuck in a lift with.
I think a more fitting end to Carver would be him falling onto his own keypad and it going so far up his arse that it kills him.
It is also worth noting Ricky Jay as one of the villains (Gupta) - he looks very embarrassed, poor man.
To make matters worse, Q arrives at the start of Bond's mission looking like he is being powered by the Henson creature workshop, "Don't touch that, that's my puppeteer."
This is also the Bond film in which the exchanges between Bond and Moneypenny turn into sordidness rather than subtlety, which leaves a rather sour taste in your mouth as you imagine them getting it on, but more of that later.
The motorbike chase
Any scene with Elliot Carver
|8. The Man With The Golden Gun|
|Roger Moore's second bond film is great, full of great moments and a really good villain in Christopher Lee's Scaramanga.
So, why is it in this top 10? I hear you ask.
Well, like a bewildered old man, it has a 20 minute lapse and becomes confused as to whether it is an action film or Smokey and the Bandit.
Good news for fans of the annoying sheriff who very nearly ruined Live and Let Die, he is back, but this time on holiday in Thailand. He bumps into Bond (what are the chances??) and joins him in an epic adventure culminating in to my mind the best car stunt ever committed to celluloid. It is a great shame then that the film makers in their wisdom chose to accompany this great stunt with a fucking lame swanny whistle. It would have been easier to just show someone shitting on the stunt driver, at least then he didn't have to risk anything other than a dry cleaning bill.
Sadly, that whole section of the film puts me off ever wishing to see it in its entirety, while not as bad as Elliot Carver when written down, it's just the fact that they ruined a great stunt with that awful sound effect. Ah, I can hear it now.
That Car Stunt
That Car Stunt
|7. The World Is Not Enough|
|Brosnan returns with another effort (oh, stop it now). There are seeds of a great film here, a villain that feels no pain and a nice twist on the Bond girl.
Sadly, when casting this film, the film makers chose to cast a busty air head who can barely talk (and sounds like Napoleon Dynamite was her speech therapist) as a Nuclear Scientist. It doesn't take a Nuclear Scientist to tell you that this is a bad move. In fact, if she was playing a pizza delivery girl you would seriously doubt she could find a house or where the Pizza is or what a Pizza is.
To compound that error they call her Dr. Christmas Jones (!?!??!!) For the sole reason (as far as I can see) so that they may tell the "Christmas only comes once a year" joke.
Really?! Why not call her Professor Cocksucker Slagbag III???
If you think that the writers (Neil Purvis and Robert Wade, twats) had quite finished ruining Bond, they hadn't even got started. You know how Robbie Coltrane was great in Goldeneye? Hey, they bring his character back! And guess what? He sucks like a suckedy fuck. He is now peddles caviar and owns a club, he is also suddenly Bond's best mate, which is a bit rich, what with his knee and all.
He is also killed off, which sucks balls, but with his last act of life saves Bond's life....oh dear....
Then, we have Q appearing, once again looking like he is held together with wires. He utters some awful dialogue, apparently, he has always advised Bond to, "Never let them see you bleed". Yes Q, great advice, if I was Bond I would have offered some advice of my own, "Never let them see you when you look 100 and can barely stand on your own."
Never fear readers, John Cleese arrives and paves the way for his taking the Q role (More later about this), and he is awful, I don't know what has happened to John Cleese, he is so annoying now and in this film he comes across like a cross between Basil Fawlty and a chuckle brother.
One of the funniest things old Q says is when Bond takes that rubbish action man boat out onto the Thames, Q pipes up and says something about it being his fishing boat for his holiday. He doesn't look like he could get into a bath, never mind a boat that shoots torpedoes, submerges and goes at high speeds. It would be more believable if Q was actually just a corpse.
M is also kidnapped towards the end and fails to escape from a cupboard, this speaks volumes about the state of the secret service in my opinion, still, at least she didn't leave her lap top in a tapas bar.
Bond's cold assassination of of Electra
The Christmas Joke
|6. For Your Eyes Only|
|The Bond film that Roger Moore didn't want to do, and it really shows.
It is said that when John Glen took over as directer and wanted to bring a harder edge to Bond, he failed.
This film begins with Bond mourning at his wife's grave, suddenly a helicopter picks him up, and this is where the problems begin.
The helicopter is being piloted by a bald man with his back turned, this is supposed to be Blofeld (Whom the rights to use were no longer the film maker's, so it was a not so subtle joke, and a shit one) but you never see his face. He kills the helicopter pilot and controls the copter remotely. Bond takes control of the copter by way of stunts and to cut a shite story short picks up Blofeld and drops him down a chimney. All the while this is happening you are sat there open mouthed. Really??
Then you get Sheena Easton singing her bland Bond theme and appearing in the titles, good God.
When I was young I was annoyed that he blew up that cool Lotus and then did the obligatory chase in a Citroen pram thing, lame as hell.
Talking of lame, Topol is in this film, need I say more?
One of the main problems with the film (apart from a 12 year old girl lusting over a 60 year old man) is that it is instantly forgettable in every way possible, from the theme tune to the score to the bad guy and to the ending (don't get me started with the Maggie Thatcher impression).
I didn't notice, too bored.
|Oh dear, well, where to start here?
You could start with the Tarzan roar as he swings on vines? Telling a Tiger to "Hiss off"? Bond dressed as a clown? The women fighting? Bond arriving in a Union Jack hot air balloon? Fighting with a tennis racket? The little plane coming out of the horses arse?
That is all that needs to be said really, again I am overcome with the general sense of monotony and mediocrity.
Watching this film again, I was taken with just how bad the attempts to be funny are here, like Bond zooming in via a video camera on a girls breasts over and over again, like a Benny Hill sketch, but he doesn't just zoom in, he zooms in and out over and over again. I quite expected to find him wanking when it cut back to him, sadly he wasn't. Can I go home yet?
The boob zoom
Has to be the Tarzan swing.
|4. A View To A Kill|
|You know it is a bad Bond film when you have Bond snowboarding along to music by the Beach Boys.
Christopher Walken is clearly having fun playing Zorin, he is probably "method acting" to combat Moore's questionable performance, as in this film Bond displays every attribute undersireable in a spy, namely no desire to remain incognito at any point; forgetting his own lies; inventing new ones anyway; putting every-one's life in danger and looking far too old.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not ageist, I am glad that Bond can still get about when he is 68, but during the film I could hear this noise all the time and when I investigated further I realised it was the boundaries of credibility stretching to breaking point.
You wouldn't know he was 68 though, he had lots of stamina, for instance he chased a lady up the Eiffel tower, that's amazing. My father is 68 and can only get as far as the front gate without having to stop to catch his breath.
I also liked it when he ruined that couple's wedding on the boat by flying through the roof onto their wedding cake, knocking over young and old alike, causing colossal damage and ruining lives. Did he apologize for this? No, he simply left them with the words "congratulations", handing them a piece of their ruined wedding cake. Well, in my book, that's the behaviour of a prize wanker and no mistake. Was it worth while? No, he let his quarry escape, what a rubbish spy he is.
Though he does have one lead - he sneaks into Max Zorin's house for a horse auction or something, using the name St John Smythe, a cunning name, doesn't stick out at all, since no one has used the name St John since 1856! He instantly arouses suspicion, that's the kind of spy you want, one who makes everyone suspicious of him.
Anyway, lots of excitement ensues, and Bond slips at least 3 women his length, again, not bad for a man of his age, shame he ruins it by saying a rubbish pun.
In the end, the day is saved and Q spies on Bond, via his electric cat (!), having it off in the shower, dirty Q, in your magic Q bed, that may look like a bed, but is actually a robot pie.
The car chase in Paris.
Bond waiting in bed for Mayday...eeeek...
|3. Never Say Never Again|
|Legend has it that when Connery was asked to do this film he said he would never do another one, it is then rumoured that his wife (probably annoyed with him after slapping her about and wanted him humiliated) said "Never say never again.." and this inspired him to do this lump of arse meat.
I know it is not an official Bond film, but Bond he is and shite it am! Never mind that it is just a bad remake of Thunderball, it really stinks to high heaven.
Someone must have thought that to get around the problem of Connery looking old, they would simply put so much make up on him that he looks like he is gearing up for a tour of The Mikado.
Watching him necking with a very young Kim Basinger is like seeing Goldilocks give mouth to mouth to a dying turkey.
Next time Sean, say Never again, for fuck's sake.
Felix and Bond jet packing up and down for no reason what so ever.
Sean in any bright lights, yikes.
|Star Wars came along in 1977 (as did I) and changed the world. Films would never be the same again, every other film was ripping it off to try and cash in.
Bond was no different.
Bond in space? Really? Why not? Because it's shite. If someone had handed me this script, I wouldn't have filmed it, I would have wiped my arse on it.
Jaws is back folks (surely a sign that ideas were short) Shirley Bassey is back (Ditto) and this time Jaws falls in love! Hooray!! He also turns good and helps Bond at the end.
I can still picture him now, raising a toast to his new blonde lady and proclaiming, "Here's to us."
Awesome eh? No, that's right, it fucking stinks. I wish I could tell you that was the only bad bit. But it isn't, brace yourselves.
Bond has his own Gondola that turns into a speedboat, which is so ace that a pigeon does a (very badly edited to look like) double take as he mounts the pavement and drives through St Marks Square.
It is such a bad film, culminating in the best/worst joke at the end, I wont go into it now, but suffice to say it mentions re-entry.
Oh, and the Bond girl is called Holly Goodhead, can someone hide the sharp objects?
|1. Die Another Day|
|At least the others had an excuse, they tried and failed, some were trying to emulate current trends and keep up with the youth, others did not have the dramatically inflated budget of Die Another Day.
Die Another Day was up its own arse so far it made you sick. It was so self satisfied and smug about being self referential that the writers (Neil Purvis and Robert Wade again, Twats) just flung together any old plot and then really put in the work attempting to reference old Bond films, yea, great, that's a shoe someone had in From Russia With Love, great, is there a plot in there somewhere as well?
Q pops up again to annoy the fuck out of you (I suspect the "Q" stands for Qunt) and produces the worst Bond gadget ever created, yes, an invisible car!?
What a pile of shit.
Halle Berry turns up and is woeful, the worst Bond girl ever, no charm, no chemistry, plus, she has the weird habit of eating fruit whilst being sexed up (a little too graphically) by Bond. Incidentally, is she the slaggiest Bond girl yet? She meets Bond and then after making a couple of terrible puns which equate to thinly veiled dirty talk knob references, they are at it like rabbits who just got out of jail after serving 20 years.
Also, this film has the WORST Bond villain ever, Gustav Graves (!)!, a cross between the cheshire cat and Charles Kennedy, he spends most of the film smiling like he is being blown under the table by a fleet of the world's best prostitutes. For his opening gambit he informs us he never sleeps (wow) because, as they say in fencing, "what's the point?" Yea, my thoughts exactly, what's the point of watching this film?
He is also being knighted. Now, being English I know that you generally have to have really achieved something to get knighted, they don't really just hand them out, unless he is officially the world's biggest bell end, in which case, that must be good for British industry and tourism, so, I'm all for it, Knight the fucker.
Graves also has 2 of the worst henchmen ever. First there is Zang, he has diamonds in his face (that's it) and then there is Mr. Kill. When Bond meets Mr. Kill ("I am Mr Kill") he proclaims "Now there's a name to die for". Now, if you were called Mr. Kill, I bet you'd hear jokes about your name all the time. If so, that must surely be the worst one so far, it just doesn't work.
Bond is supposed to be a wit, not a prick.
Halle Berry's character is also one for the wit, she gets to retort twice with such come backs as "Yo Momma" and "Bitch". Brilliant. Pussy Galore she ain't - she isn't a Bond girl, she is a dick.
While we are talking about being a dick, I must mention Madonna and her god awful cameo, she really is terrible, like she has just learnt how to speak and move, plus, she cannot do double entendre, she is so, so, so, so bad, just like her Bond theme, which is, without a doubt, the worst Bond theme ever created, it makes the theme from Never Say Never Again sound like Ode to fucking Joy!!!
Don't even get me started on the CGI surfing on a wave with a discarded parachute, what a pile of shit.
At the start of the film we are shown Bond using a virtual reality training system via a pair of sunglasses, at the end of the film we see Moneypenny and Bond embrace and begin to get it on, we then cut to Qunt catching Moneypenny using said glasses to engage in some erotic fantasy. Is this really how 40 years of gentle flirtation will culminate? In the early films Bond and Moneypenny flirt in a nice cheeky way, even when Dalton got lumbered with that airhead he slapped her on the bott now and again. Now, we get full on sex-cam??
No, no, no, STOP RUINING BOND!
Thankfully they did, eventually. Come in Daniel Craig, you are very welcome, just make sure they don't see you bleed!!
|Comments about This Article|
|I felt sure for a second that I'd written this, so similar is our sense of humour. Needles to say, it is therefore brilliant. I've been watching all the films in order of late and by God...Roger Moore...it's just. so. bad. But, it was Elliott Carver who brought me here. (That's where I'm up to) Wow. Horrific is putting it mildly. I've just seen him raise a menacing eyebrow following an unbearably mundane comment, which Dr. Evil would've been ashamed of. It actually looks like the editors tried to cut it as close to the end of the line as possible to hide it, but to no avail. Anyway, well done. I'll probably be back before I finish the series.
p.s. To the previous comment, Quantum of Solace wasn't released when this was written.
Comment By: Ste, 13 Dec 2012, Rating: 5/5
|i like for your eyes only i dont know why but i agree on the rest also why is quantum of slace not on there. q is awesome because he was in 18 films and sadly died 3 weeks after the film premiere|
Comment By: kieran wills, 07 Nov 2012, Rating: 3/5
|From ones I have seen. I think "Live and Let Die", is the worst. I like "View to a Kill", but agree with the rest of the list.|
Comment By: crack head, 04 Nov 2012, Rating: 3/5
|Just to say, Rog was 57 / 58 when he made A View to a Kill. Apart from that, your reviews were very funny. I'm surprised you never made mention of Sir Rog's wig from Moonraker onward - they seem to have a life of their own, becoming increasingly bouffant style and all the more obvious by For Your Eyes Only, but worser in Octopussy and his final farewell film...|
Comment By: Stan Cervyx Slammer, 28 Oct 2012, Rating: 5/5
Comment By: Anonymous, 27 Oct 2012, Rating: 5/5
|On here majesty's secret service is the worst film ever made and it almost killed the bond franchise, but good list (should of put OHMSS first though)|
Comment By: Anonymous, 27 Oct 2012, Rating: 5/5
|Moonraker always gets a bad rap. Michel Lonsdale is the finest Bond villain for me, and cedrtainly the best actor to have played the role by far. The gondola scene was just stupid, but that apart it was a perfectly decent Bond and no more preposterous than The Spy Who Loved Me. Let's face it, compared to Brosnan/Dalton, there isnt a bad Connery/Moore Bond film - Never Say Never excepted.|
Comment By: jbg, 20 Oct 2012, Rating: 0/5
|People on here commenting about Charles Gray's Blofeld having a full head of hair .. read the Fleming novels. Blofeld changes his apperance so many times in them that having Blofeld with hair when he was previously bald kind of makes sense. And don't diss Q!|
Comment By: Adam, 16 Oct 2012, Rating: 1/5
|Certainly agree with your top 3 but at 4 I'd have Quantum of Solace which is a mess of a film.|
Comment By: RobC, 13 Oct 2012, Rating: 2/5
|Great, great article. I walked from the cinema during Die Another Day, just at the windsurfing bit. Was the worst piece of cgi i had ever seen. No wonder Brosnan got the boot after this he was shite and turning into Roger Moore. I would also have put You Only Live Twice up there with the worst, Bond as Japanese? haha!!!!|
Comment By: SuperBeaver, 07 Oct 2012, Rating: 5/5
|Although not as atmospheric as Thundeball I liked Never Say....as it was so good to have Sean back. It was far superior to some of Roger's efforts of the 80s. |
Comment By: Mike Ord, 06 Oct 2012, Rating: 2/5
|Stealing the jet with the nuke before the cruise missle blows up the terrorist arms "bazaar" was the most baller bond move/stunt of all the movies. Connery, Moore, or Dalton could not have pulled thay off. Die Another Day is a piece of shit and the Daniel Craig movies are both awful, relying way too much on actionthe and communication through cell phones. What the hell is elipsis?|
Comment By: Yo, 03 Oct 2012, Rating: 5/5
|Roger Moore's tenure was hit and miss. Live and Let Die was good, The Man with the Golden Gun was poor, Spy Who Loved Me was good, Moonraker I found to be good as well, For Your Eyes Only was technically ok but dull, Octopussy was good, A View to a Kill is better than given credit. I liked Octopussy overall (could do without the clown and tarzan scenes - but beyond this it is a good action film).
Both Timothy Dalton films were very good especially The Living Daylights. This was in reality the closing Bond of the Moore years (with General Gogol featuring and all) and was written as a continuation of that time. It is also the last cold war era Bond.
Pierce Brosnan's first 2 films were excellent, his latter too poor as already said. Daniel Craig is doing very good so far.
Comment By: DSM, 02 Oct 2012, Rating: 5/5
|Die Another Day was indeed terrible overall. Yes, some of the later Roger Moore films like Moonraker and A View to a Kill were overblown and not believable but they were overall entertaining. Die Another Day goes way beyond the more far fetched elements of these and you are left with a very poor film that copies all its predecessors, does not have a believable villain and it shows Brosnan was no longer really interested in the role.
The other main bad films imo is: The World is not Enough (there was a trend here: Brosnan's first film was excellent, his second one even better, The World is not Enough poor and Die Another Day plain bad). It seemed by then that the Bond series had run out of ideas. The Man with the Golden Gun is also very poor. For your eyes Only is ok but does not excite too much.
Diamonds are Forever was a disappointment from the perspective of it not focusing more on revenge against Blofeld and Irma Bunt (who doesn't appear). Thunderball, along with From Russia with Love, Goldfinger and You Only Live Twice are my favorite Connery Bonds. Dr No is solid too. Never Say Never Again is pointless in it being a remake of Thunderball (no need for that).
Comment By: Seanie, 02 Oct 2012, Rating: 5/5
|i think the best bond movie is casino royale 2006 it had good start daniel craig played the role good,and then goldfinger 1964 it was good sean connery 's dailogue were good ,loved watching it and dr no 1962 i loved to see whn sean connery introduces the character james bond ,timothy dalton was not suitable for james bond,roger moore acted good in live and let die and who can forget baron samedi from the movie it was good.....pierce brosnan suited the character but story was not that good and no one or few remember any seen from his films ......waiting for skyfall ......i think the film should have a great start and happy ending and smoking scenes ,beach squences with beauties and mystery .can make bond films better excellent |
Comment By: avinash naik, 27 Sep 2012, Rating: 3/5
|WHAT A LOAD OF ABSOLUTE BOLLOCKS DIE ANOTHER DAY WAS! SERIOUSLY JUST WATCHED 30 MINS OF IT - FUCK KNOWS WHY - IT WAS AWFUL - I DECIDED IT WAS MORE FUN TO SHIT IN MY HANDS AND CLAP!|
Comment By: QUNTY QUNT QUNT, 15 Sep 2012, Rating: 5/5
|Good review of these films. In my opinion, there is but 1 really bad Bond film, and that is ... DIE ANOTHER DAY. Yes, I like all the others - despite some poor moments in ones like Golden gun, World is not enough, Moonraker and the like. BUT DIE ANOTHER DAY was smug, conceited, unoriginal. Yes, even the spoof Casino Royale from 1967 was better .. Thankfully, the 2006 Casino Royale but an end to the direction the Bonds were taking when Brosnan played him. Even though the other 3 Brosnan films had their moments, they would follow as least appealing for me. Why? Too gadgety (and who thought Roger Moore's later films were OTT that way?) and but also too political (note the anti-Iran and anti-Iraq references ... not something you found in Connery's, Moore's or Dalton's films, all of which avoided biased views on real politics).|
Comment By: Jack, 14 Sep 2012, Rating: 5/5
|laughed very hard during this. i cried at your review of 'a view to a kill'.|
Comment By: James Bailie, 26 Aug 2012, Rating: 5/5
|Funniest thing I have read in a long time ps i am a massive bell end|
Comment By: Maurice Foster, 29 Jul 2012, Rating: 5/5
|Replace Tomorrow Never Dies for Diamonds are Forever and it would be pretty much perfect.|
Comment By: alex, 21 May 2012, Rating: 5/5
|Totally agree with the top two, I didn't think there was a worse Bond then Moonraker until I saw Die another day. I was shocked by how bad it was, I mean by the time the invisible car came on screen, I had lost all patience. Have never seen Never say never again, but in no rush to either. Thunderball and Octopussy aren't that bad and A view to a Kill wouldn't have been so bad if Bond hadn't looked about 70 in it. My favourite Bond would be the living daylights, LOVED Timothy Dalton as Bond.|
Comment By: Kay Ryan, 19 May 2012, Rating: 0/5
|I agree with the list apart from 8, i thought Christopher Lee played the part of Scaramanga beautifully and reminded me of his performances as Dracula in the Hammer Films, personally i think Goldeneye, You Only Live Twice and The Man With The Golden Gun are the best three bonds.|
Comment By: Jack Connor, 18 May 2012, Rating: 2/5
|I was quite amused by your list. I agree with most of it except "Thunderball," which was very innovative for it's day and featured 1/4 of the film shot underwater, had 4 filming units and boasted one of the most smoking hot Bond girls of all tme for my money; Luciana Palluzzi. And thank you for NOT putting the criminally underrated Tim Dalton on this list. He was a breath of fresh air after the slow,sad burnout of Roger Moore and his films. I'm a Bond buff and critic too. Good job young man.|
Comment By: Boston John, 14 May 2012, Rating: 3/5
|you are a genius thank you so much for this|
Comment By: Sean D, 14 May 2012, Rating: 5/5
|Actually I change my mind "On Her Majestys Secret Service" should be there as well. |
Comment By: David Thomas, 27 Apr 2012, Rating: 2/5
|Totally disagree with 4,5 & 8. Other than that, spot on. Maybe replace those three with "The Spy who loved Me", "From Russia with love" and "Diamonds Are Forever".|
Comment By: David Thomas, 27 Apr 2012, Rating: 2/5
|Great article. Perfect use of descriptive words.|
Comment By: Southern Spur, 15 Mar 2012, Rating: 5/5
|Spot on... I swore never to watch another Bond film after the-turd-that-would-not-flush that was Diabolical Another Day... and I haven't.|
Comment By: Chris, 03 Feb 2012, Rating: 5/5
|Thunderball has two gorgeous Bond Girls, Luciana Paluzzi and the beautiful Claudine Auger. It is not that bad a Bond entry if you consider that 80% of them are pretty awful! Dr. No, From Russia With Love, Goldfinger, OHMSS, Live And Let Die and Casino Royal, are the best. I thought The Spy Who Loved Me, The Living Daylights and Quantum Of Solace were good. The rest (particularly all of Bronson's) utter rubbish!|
Comment By: Ghidera, 17 Jan 2012, Rating: 0/5
|I really liked Lazenby as bond, he brought humanity to the role, that Connery probaby couldn't of done. OHMSS is very underated indeed.|
Comment By: Randolph Reid, 28 Dec 2011, Rating: 0/5
|Had to re-read some parts. I don't speak British, I speak American. Still, overall, Thunderball is, to me, worse than any other 007 movie ever! However, you should see The Agony Booth on their treatments of Never Say Never Again, Die Another Day, and Moonraker. They really wreck those movies, and they should be. Good read. Thanks for posting!|
Comment By: Programmer #A-5, 10 Dec 2011, Rating: 1/5
|Agree with you.Die Another day is the smelliest fart blast to ever erupt from Eons turd hole.|
Comment By: zab zoomer, 13 Oct 2011, Rating: 2/5
|Thankyou so much for having the credibility to realise what an utter fucking insult to intelligence Die Another Day is. I've just sat through that turd with my jaw on the floor. Whoever wrote, directed and produced that fucking retarded turkey ought to be taken outside and kicked to pieces. You'd need the mental age of an infant not to be disgusted by that mindless bollocks. I had to surf the web for the worst Bond movies ever made and thank god my faith in humanity has been restored|
Comment By: doctor shitmad, 10 Oct 2011, Rating: 5/5
|you sir....are a cunt|
Comment By: mike, 11 May 2011, Rating: 0/5
|Great article, really made me laugh, especially the 'View To A Kill' piece, (although I like that Bond film apart from Moore..)
However I can't believe you haven't got Diamonds are Forever in there. It's total bull.
Comment By: Spen T, 07 Mar 2011, Rating: 5/5
|your a genius! your the next barry norman.|
Comment By: alex donaldson, 26 Nov 2010, Rating: 5/5
|I love Bond but actually you are pretty much on the money - a good funny article thanks|
Comment By: Dom, 19 Sep 2010, Rating: 5/5
|Just finished watching the last half-hour of "Moonraker" (by mistake) - SURELY no Bond film is worse!|
Comment By: MC Miker G, 04 Sep 2010, Rating: 2/5
|The choice is yours. You leave in your own world. And you give bad examples. No ones going to like you unless you change! |
Comment By: Jack Moore, 28 Aug 2010, Rating: 0/5
|I think my husband is right. I not liking the language used in this. And you know better. I not making you stop, and I can't! I just feel sorry for you! |
Comment By: Mrs. Virgin Moore, 28 Aug 2010, Rating: 0/5
|I do not appreciate the language you use in this text. It is rude, disrespectful and a bad roll model for kids. I feel sorry for you and expect a better attitude. |
Comment By: Mr. William Moore, 28 Aug 2010, Rating: 0/5
As much as I love the Bond series, and I really do, they're their own worst enemies. Anybody who is familiar with the books I'm sure will agree. As for Daniel Craig, I loved Casino Royale but the bit where they covered that chick in oil in Quantum Of Solace was a bit too close to Jill Masterton being painted gold in my opinion, and if they don't put the gun barrell opening back at the beginning where it belongs without fucking with it I will not be a happy man
Comment By: Dean Masters, 10 Jul 2010, Rating: 3/5
|I TOTALLY agree with Die Another Day being the worst Bond film. My worst moment was the CGI bullet at the opening gun barrell scene, my friend had to stop me walking out of the cinema. As for Halle Berry, don't get me started on her, one oscar for getting her titties out almost ended up ruining forty years of careful innuendo. If you see Bond having sex it ruins the legend, Connery had a threesome with 2 gypsy chicks in From Russia With Love without even kissing them on camera!! Die Another Day was pretty much an hour and a half advert for the Bond box set.
I wish wish wish Connery had been bothered to do OHMSS, what a film that would've been!!
Diamonds Are Forever sucked because Charles Gray was a Blofeld with a full head of fucking hair! Where is the Polish shiny bonced mastermind we once feared? Instead we get a recycled actor playing a different role(Charles Gray was in You Only Live Twice as Richard Henderson, Bonds contact in Japan), thay also made that mistake casting Joe Don Baker as Bond's CIA counterpart in Brosnans first 2 films, after seeing him shot to shit in The Living Daylights. Same goes to Maud Adams for being Octopussy AND Scaramangas bitch.
Comment By: Dean Masters, 10 Jul 2010, Rating: 3/5
|You know nothing about James Bond, nobody would call most of these films bad at all if they were fans|
Comment By: Ian, 05 Jul 2010, Rating: 0/5
|I really didn't like Lazenby- he shoulda been on the list.
You were too mean to Brosnan. I actually liked Die Another Day.
Still, a nice, funny list!
Comment By: REDGUY2764, 03 Apr 2010, Rating: 2/5
|Good list. I agree with all of them accept take out For Your Eyes Only and replace it with Diamonds Are Forever. For Your Eyes Only was good but Roger Moore was starting to show his age.|
Comment By: Joseph Nicolino, 22 Feb 2010, Rating: 3/5
|I dont think these are the worst James Bond movie cuz theres ( for me two of his best) and i am not a big fan of Bond so...|
Comment By: Jayme-Jean, 20 Jan 2010, Rating: 1/5
|Great article - just loved it and agreed with comments.|
Comment By: ..... very interesting Meester Bond ...., 25 Nov 2009, Rating: 5/5
|octopussy is the best movie in the world your a retard idiot!
Comment By: james, 24 Nov 2009, Rating: 0/5
|Absolutely hilarious reviews and right on the money. Laughed so hard in places I was almost crying.
Brilliant, just brilliant.
Comment By: Jim Derran, 27 Oct 2009, Rating: 5/5
The whole, "Bond loses a game of cards, falls for the old 'i've spiked your drink' trick and fumbles around like a cripple not able to save himself" is from Casino Royale novel and therefore faithful to the source material. Whilst one of the Craig films is more Bourne than Bond, it is still much better than the last 2 Brosnan and last Moore offerings. They will get it right and hopefully it's the last we've seen of Doug Bradley and more importantly, CGI parachutes.
Comment By: Ted, 04 Aug 2009, Rating: 2/5
|Come on the lastest two are the biggest pile of shit ever made. Bond loses a game of cards, falls for the old 'i've spiked your drink' trick and fumbles around like a cripple not able to save himself. Just LOL. Then on top of that his female bosses constantly threatens to have him killed. What a pile of bollocks. After watching the bourne trilogy i feel so ashamed of what they're doing to james bond.|
Comment By: Dave L, 03 Aug 2009, Rating: 5/5
|Dear Mickey Arrow. To each their own. This is simply my opinion, and not to be taken as a fact. Why not set up your own top-ten Bond films? As for me being stupid, your opinion seems to be purely based on Bond moments, which (as far as I know) is not a recognised yard stick currently in practice by Mensa or the board of education. Spelling, however, is a trusted sign, and you have quite frankly embarrassed yourself. |
Comment By: Ted, 12 Jul 2009, Rating: 5/5
|Spoken like a true intellect Mikey.|
Comment By: Dan Glugman, 12 Jul 2009, Rating: 5/5
|i think you are stupid the worst where dalton and lazbeny and craig i think you know noting about bond some of your films are the best nmot the worst|
Comment By: mikey arrow, 12 Jul 2009, Rating: 0/5
|i thought roger moore was 57 when he was filming 'a view to a kill'|
Comment By: harrytheblurfan, 04 Jul 2009, Rating: 4/5
|Spot on, old bean. That "cock-fight" gag in Die Another Day was excruciating....|
Comment By: Goldmember, 20 Apr 2009, Rating: 5/5
|thunderball(greatly sophisticated movie)and octopussy are'nt too bad. Add live n let die, diamonds are forever, living daylights,a view to a kill. these are most wanted on this list. you see n u'll sleep i guarentee!!!!!!!!!!!!|
Comment By: hitman, 24 Feb 2009, Rating: 3/5
|Yes, but I have an enourmous cock and balls. |
Comment By: Roger Moore, 19 Jan 2009, Rating: 5/5
|My top two worst are there because of their self-referential crimes against the series. On Her Majesty's committed the crime not five minutes into the flick, referring to the Bond who came before. And Octopussy used the James Bond theme to catch 007's attention as he got off the boat. This is the exact arrogant attitude that lead the series down a self destructive path.|
Comment By: Edge of Blade, 19 Jan 2009, Rating: 5/5
|Im surprised Diamonds is not on list, bit harsh on die another day, however although some bond films are worse than others, i think they all have there own memorable moments, still think Roger Moore had the best girls, best stunts and best theme tunes...|
Comment By: Dean Sargeant, 15 Oct 2008, Rating: 5/5
|Suprised Diamonds are Forever is not in the list. That has to be the most excrutiating Connery outing ever. Why he decided to do it after being rebuffed for Lazenby i will never know. The wig he wore should have got an oscar|
Comment By: Dave Bolton, 13 Oct 2008, Rating: 3/5