If mediocrity has a name, it is Indiana Jones...
21/08/08
10. That Lame TitleOf all the titles originally suggested, (The City of Gods, The Destroyer of Worlds, The Fourth Corner of the Earth, The Lost City of Gold and The Quest for the Covenant...), Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is the very worst. It just doesn't roll of the tongue in the same way the previous titles did, plus, it doesn't really conjure up any images in the same way, it just sounds like something you might win with Esso tokens. Even Indiana Jones and the Bad X-Files Episode would have been better, though I prefer, Indiana Jones and the Last of the Summer Wine.
|  | 9. Lazy C.G.I. | For a film that is allegedly trying its utmost to avoid CGI, it doesn't.
In fact, rather than avoiding C.G.I., it's taking C.G.I. out for dinner, buying it roses, getting the waiter to play C.G.I.'s favourite song, giving it a lift home, being a bit too forward, getting rebuffed, not getting phone calls returned, being served with a restraining order and then sneaking into C.G.I.'s house and watching it dress while wanking in a wardrobe.
Do we really need to see a C.G.I. Gopher reacting to Indiana Jones? It is now too much hassle to throw a real fridge in the air? Are Ants now endangered?
Do we really believe that Mutt is in peril when he is doing the splits between 2 jeeps on a sound-stage in front of a green screen? Nope is the answer, and well done to you for saying that too.
In Raiders of the Lost Ark (I refused to put "Indiana Jones and the..." before it, no Lucas, I will not put that in my mouth and suck) Indy is thrown through a window and under a truck, now, we know it wasn't Harrison Ford doing this stunt, but by god did we not care, as it blew my socks off so bad that they shot down a passing fleet of Doves en route to Beirut.
This is the disbelief we could suspend as it was real peril, god damned 100% real peril, there is lorry loads of it in the original trilogy (especially in Temple of Doom when he puts up with that fucking annoying kid).
In Kingdom of the Crystal Skull there is none, not a sausage, in fact, if there was a sausage, it would probably be a C.G.I. sausage, poorly rendered. At points in which the action is escalated, the graphics take over, and they are poor.
Who was creeped out when Indy faced snakes? Me. Bugs? Me. Rats? Not me, my father hates them though, he wouldn't have made it past them.
Who is creeped out by C.G.I ants? honestly? A cunt, that's who.
| 8. Never Go BackLike a child to a firework or a warrior to a seemingly unconscious Ninja, you should never go back.
It really doesn't work.
People may offer Rocky Balboa as an argument, or Rambo, or indeed, Die Hard 4.0, but I say fuck off!!
Rocky Balboa bored the arse off me so badly that I needed a new arse, stat. Rambo was silly, like a 12 year old writing a Rambo rip off and getting his grandad to play Rambo whilst packing blood bags full of a butchers dustbin every time some one is injured. That sounds great yes, but it isn't at all great to watch, though Sly can do what he likes as he made Tango & Cash and that rules. Die Hard 4.0 was very silly indeed, if I see another "hacker" typing like he has 1000 volts going up his bell end I will shoot a puppy, plus let's face facts, could anyone take Bruce Willis seriously with a clean head?? Nope, thought not.
So, what on earth possessed a man like Steven Spielberg to think that after 19 years Indy would be a good idea, especially with a script that was full of so many holes you could drain pasta with it?
People often considered what George Lucas was up to through most of the late 80's and early 90's, I think I have an idea.
He hired out the Grand Canyon and a hot air balloon, he then placed all of his best works (namely Star Wars) on the Canyon floor and proceeded to shit on them from a great height from 1997 until 2003. Now, it would appear that he had one stool left, and here it is, Indy 4.
Hopefully this whole experience will put a stop to Hollywood looking back and will get them to actually make something new. Sadly, Sly says he isn't finished with Rambo, and 5 may not be far away. I say, fuck Rambo 5 Sly, what about Tango and Cash 2???
| 7. I'm a Double Agent!!Ray Winstone is a funny one. One minute he is charming you, then scaring you, then annoying you, then bad acting on you, then being annoying on you again. In this film, his character had potential, a double agent, nice. But a double agent in the first 5 minutes?? You'd think that if you were on the baddie's side you would get them to not put you in a car boot for a 3 hour drive with a 63 year old teacher - imagine the piss and mint smell in that boot?? But next time you see Mac he has turned back and is now good, and then, after laying sensors for the Ruskies to follow he reveals he is a once again a bad guy, fuck me, is this lazy writing 101? No, it's a major film. That is something I expect to see in an episode of "MacGuyvor" Not Indiana Jones, but no matter, at least his character was given room to grow and become quirky....Oh, I guess not. in the end he is just another greedy double crosser.com who gets held up escaping trying to steal treasure, hey, didn't that happen in the Last Crusade?? Yes, it did, never mind, at least he got his comeuppance, he was sucked by an Alien (oh the irony).
| 6. Lazy ScoreThere was a time when John Williams was a magician, he could conjure a catchy tune everytime he worked on a film, from Jaws to Superman to Star Wars to Heartbeeps, he was to music what Kurt Russell was to playing 1 half of Tango & Cash, i.e. a genius.
Unfortunately, It would seem that John Williams was sharing the vacation time with the Screenwriter as the majority of Indy 4 seemed to be a 'best of' medley from the previous 3 films.
At no point did a passage of music jump out at me, sadly, just like the film, the music also limped home.
| 5. "First Marcus and then Dad"Remember the scene when Indy is grieving about the loss of Marcus and Henry Jones Sr.?
He takes a moment to admire their photographs. Did anyone else notice that they were bad screen grabs from Indy 3?
Oh, I remember this picture of Marcus, it was taken when he was lost in the market asking if anyone spoke English, just before the Nazis got him. It took me years to track it down, but it is such a nice picture. Oh yes, that picture of my dad, that was taken when we were on that Zeppelin attempting to escape from the Nazis, such a lovely photograph.
LAZY!! Why not lay off the dodgy C.G.I. for five minutes and do some photoshopping you lazy bastards - save Harrison Ford looking so embarrassed. At his age as well.
| 4. Marion?Now, I'm all for pointless Cameos, after all, were would we all be without the Bruce Willis scene in Oceans 12? I rest my case.
When I heard Marion would be in Indy 4, I thought: nice touch, maybe have her as a little cameo as a dolly house wife to Indy, showing that he and her had grown old together and had a twatty Transformer loving kid with a quiff.
If they were to go the other way, I would have thought that at the very least she would still be feisty and have the luxury of the fantastic Lawrence Kasdan dialogue spoon fed to her, but no, she is neither one nor the other, she is a dolly damsel in distress who hasn't aged well and is a 100% pedestrian for the last 30 minutes of the film, she just stands there looking vacant, nice one guys! I hate to think what would have happened had Connery come back, just have him soiling his pants and grinning inanely while digging in his drawers.
| 3. MuttI don't hate Mutt, I think it is a nice idea in principal, a younger man for Indy to react to, a greaser, nice idea for 1957.
Sadly, he is the worst greaser ever committed to screen, he makes Fonzie look like Joe Pesci in Casino. His best friend is John Hurt's "just give me the money darling" loopy professer.com.(TM), so not much street cred there, fuck me, it would have been better hooking up with Emmet Brown, he invented stuff, he dug chicks and he didn't look like he ate his own shit. He spends the first part of the film needing more exposition then a retarded wood pigeon seeing its first moving image. Then suddenly, he is sword fighting with Ruskies and swinging with Apes (which I may add is one of the worst cinematic moments I have ever seen) and understanding what the Aliens want, which is some feat as no one sitting around me cared by that point.
When it turns out that Indy is his dad, this is supposed to be funny, but unfortunatly, it really isn't, it's like when someone owns up to farting, you just think, yes, I knew it was you, but it still stinks.
As for finding a snake and using it as a rope? I'm just glad he found the snake and didn't improvise with his genitals. Asking someone to not say it is a snake when it is clearly dangling in front of them is a sure sign of senility. I would be very upset if I was Indiana Jones and my son was such a drip, bring back Shortround and get me an adoption agency number.
| 2. Russians vs. NazisA few years ago E.A. games got a bit bored with Medal of Honour and decided that a game about a jaunt in the Pacific would be a nice change for all the gamers who were surely sick and tired of shooting Nazis, they were very wrong.
Deep down there is a real need to shoot video game Nazis in everyone. Is there any more wonderful sight than Indiana Jones punching a Nazi? Plus, Nazis were involved in every experiment you can name, from Flying Saucers to the Occult, so, a pretty much inexhaustible source of great plots.
The Russians in 1957 though, it appears, were rubbish. Not only do they pass their time driving around a Nuclear test site but they also fail to control a 63 year old man, his wimpy moped kid and elderly Mrs.
What is that whirring sound? Ah, it must be Stalin in his grave.
Cate Blanchett is great in my opinion, but she is very dodgy in this film. Again, not her fault, I am not blaming anyone's performance in this film, they are just following a really bad script... they are following orders, just like the Nazis.
| AND FINALLY...
1. The PlotGeorge Lucas calls the plot points the "Macguffin"
Let's go through each Macguffin turn to dissect whether the plots sink or swim.
Raiders of the Lost Ark - The Nazis are searching for the Ark of the Covenant, a chest the Israelites built to contain the fragments of the Ten Commandments. At the American college where he teaches archaeology, Jones meets with two Army intelligence agents who reveal that the Nazis, in their quest for occult power, are searching for Abner Ravenwood, Jones’ former mentor. Jones surmises that the Nazis seek Ravenwood because he possesses the headpiece to the Staff of Ra, a key artifact essential in pinpointing the Ark’s resting place within the city. His colleague Marcus Brody explains that, according to legend, the power of the Ark can make any army invincible.
We all know what happens then, it is a great plot, wonderfully written by Lawrence Kasdan and has dialogue to die for.
Temple of Doom - Indy goes to India, Thuggee cult, human sacrifice, sacred stones blah blah. Not a winner by anyone's imagination, but it definitely had its moments, and again, great dialogue exchanges.
Last Crusade - Henry Jones Sr kidnapped by Nazis who seek the Holy Grail. Jones Sr. is a Holy Grail expert, Indy seeks out his dad and it's a great adventure with great moments. Once again, fantastic chemistry between the stars.
Kingdom - Indy kidnapped by Russians, made to find an Alien dead body kept in Area 51 (which by the way, only had 3 people guarding it, could this be a problem? Oh, and also, it's a popular haunt for kids in fast cars, the middle of nowhere) He finds it, escapes in a fridge, then is approached by a rubbish greaser, and then it turns out Aliens did it. So uninspiring. The problem is, no chemistry, no good dialogue, very poor all round, not really worth 18 years of waiting. What's more, Marcus Brody's head falling in a man's lap?? Really? Why not dig him up and kick him about while laughing? Bring on Rambo 5.
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