In these busy times you probably don't have a moment to spare, yet alone time to make a list like this. So before you get your head cryogenically frozen why not take this list and give it a try
26/03/09
 | 10. Buy or steal a good torch | I don't know about you but I like a good torch, especially one that says, ‘don't look directly into the light'. If your at a loose end one night you could always try staring into the light for a while before attempting to cross a busy road. In a simple twist of fate, the paramedic could also use the same torch to test for signs of life as you approach an entirely different kind of light.
|  | 9. Hunt down and kill all Hobbits | It might just be me but I don't like Hobbits. I didn't like them before, during or after the Liard of the Rings. If you're planning to join me on the hunt, it begins now. I'm told that anyone under 5'8" is classified as a hobbit.
|  | 8. Become the Omega Man | Needlessly slaughtering anyone under 5'8" would possibly cause a number of repercussions. Mainly which, would be a war between the Hobbits and the Giants (anyone over 5'8", so I'm told). If you managed to set off this war and sneak away; in theory you could become the last person on earth and live out life not as Will Smith's version but as Charlton Hestons', powder blue one piece jump suit and all.
|  | 7. Continue being the Omega Man | As the last person alive, now would be the perfect time to descend into utter madness without anyone important noticing. Whether this would include not washing is entirely up to you . I observed Hestons' omega man engaging mannequins in deep theological debates and playing board games with them such as ludo an hungry, hungry hippos. I believe I'd take the easy approach and just watch Mannequin and Mannequin on the move several times a week.
|  | 6. As the new Omega Man why not have a great display on your mantelpiece | Now it's all yours, with a lifetimes supply of flumps and batteries, it's time to indulge in the finer things of life. One way to go would be to track down the corpse of Gerard Depardieu and mount him above your new coal fire. If you're struggling to find him amongst the Parisian streets full of rotting bodies; he's the one with the big nose.
|  | 5. This ones up to you | Relax, Let out that fart, close your eyes for a second and imagine the one thing you would like to do more that anything else. . . If that thing is to appear on family fortunes then you must be Les Dennis and shouldn't be reading this.
|  | 4. Take a luxury ride | As the last person alive, now it's time to treat yourself. And what better way to do that by treating yourself to a swanky car. Whether you've had your eye on the new Austin Allegro in eggshell brown or you fancy an Italian supercar such as the Fiat Panda, or even both, then you should go for it. Just remember to be back before dark; that's when the weirdo's come out.
|  | 3. Recreate Earth as you want it to be | You could spend the rest of you life overdubbing Sean Connery films with the correct accents or writing a new series of , ‘Don't Wait Up', but you'd be wasting your life. Don't try to become self sufficient like Tom and Barbara either. There's only one thing left that's worth achieving and if you try hard enough you can truly say you've watched every film ever made. Or attempt to break the record for the most number of times anyone has watched ‘Fletch Lives', which is ½.
|  | 2. Take and early retirement | If your over the age of thirty-one and that crystal in your hand hasn't started glowing yet, then why not just say, "Fuck it, fuck it all", and walk away while there's still some life in you . Even Bea Arthur's stalker has retired this year and he had the best job in town.
| AND FINALLY...
 | 1. Regain your true identity | I don't know about you but short of wearing my underpants on the outside I've tried everything to be remotely different from the crowd. Here's some of the things I've tried in the form of a top 10 list within a top 10 list
10,Snatch a fart as it comes out and hurl it across the room into the face of an enemy
9,Become so angry at something insignificant you cause a perfect stranger to take half a step backwards in case you actually do explode
8,Eat nothing but flumps for four months just so you've got something interesting to tell people what you've been doing this year
7,Don't wash your pants for a whole decade
6, Make a prank call to Tommy Cannon claiming your Bobby Ball and call him a fucking wanker.
5,Make a prank call to Bobby Ball claiming your Tommy Cannon and tell him you've always fancied the pants off him.
4,Play an elaborate hoax on the world claiming you're a super villain with a foolproof plan for world domination unless they pay you so much money it causes a recession.
3,Don't give the game away
2,Watch in amazement as your bank account increases from 8p to 100 gazillion pounds.
1,Don the suede driving gloves and go for a spin in the all new Austin Allegro, maybe take a picnic; you can afford it now.
| Comments about This Article |
| I was srtuck by the honesty of your posting
Comment By: Devraj, 21 Dec 2012, Rating: 4/5  |
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