Have you ever seen something in a film and become either confused or enraged? Here are a personal selection of 10 such moments. 12/10/08
10. Roger Moore & Michael Caine Generally Make Twats Of Themselves Bullseye (1990)
When one of your friends is a well known rubbish film maker. It is best to humour them, but stand back and try to keep yourself as detached as possible. Under no circumstances do you appear in his latest pile of shit. Moore and Caine should have treated Michael Winner's approach for this film in the same way you or I would if someone approached you at a bus stop and asked you to rub them (And didn't offer payment first, perverts).
9. Not Much Cop Cop & A Half (1993)
Burt Reynolds is partnered with a small child and hilarity ensues. What was he thinking? I mean, dogs as partners are acceptable, but a child? Is he mad??
8. Head Injuries Are Unpredictable Things Rocky 5 (1990)
When you spend the majority of the film explaining that if Rocky is punched in the head he will die, the most random thing you can do as a climax is to have him take part in a bare knuckle street brawl with a young kid who is currently the heavy weight champion of the world. Never mind the fact that he gets the shit kicked out of him and still wins.
7. Mick Dundee Chats With Mike Tyson Crocodile Dundee In Los Angeles (2001)
Crocodile Dundee is still a "hilarious fish out of water". Yes, even after all these years he still doesn't know how to work modern things or how to talk to people. How long is it do you think that they realise he isn't a "hilarious fish out of water" but a complete retard.
Apart from the fact that he doesn't know what a "clapper" is or a skunk, he doesn't know who Mike Tyson is either, which seeing as he has been world famous since the early 80's seems to be a tad strange. When Dundee was in New York in 1986 Tyson was top of the world in boxing, he must have at least seen a picture of him? Anyway, He sees Mr. Tyson sat in a park meditating and decides to approach him. Whilst this may be the last thing any sane person would do in fear that Tyson beats them to death. Tyson speaks with Dundee and offers some very zen words of wisdom. Now, that is random.
6. Dancing With Twats! Xanadu (1980)
There you are, walking down the street with Gene Kelly, when suddenly a shop comes to life and begins to dance to very tame disco music. In this situation one would usually run for the hills, but seeing as all three of our heroes look and act mentally ill, it seems to warrant a closer look. I can only assume that they are the missing three members of the 1989 film "Dream Team" that are lost in New York. I would have shat myself personally, not only because of the garish selection of clothing and bright colours (Which would be my first indicator that I was having some sort of mental episode), but because the people following my every move seem to be played by the Rollers from Return to Oz.
5. The Cellophane "S" Superman II (1980)
Yea Non. Take that. Anyone who comes into my house and pisses about gets my weird flying S. You wont be doing that again.
4. The Penis Is Evil! Zardoz (1974)
I don't know about you, but if my so called "God" came down as a giant stone head and proclaimed that the Penis is evil and that guns are good. I would have to have a good think about it. I don't know if I would follow him immediately, I am not counting it out mind you, it would depend on the perks, and the penis. Knowing my luck though, it would have all been some elaborate practical joke.
3. The Newborn Alien Resurrection (1997)
The first moment I can remember seeing this piece of shit on the big screen I wanted to walk out. The more I see it the more I cannot believe that it happened. You can almost hear the poo smell in this one.
A harsh lesson here, never mate an Alien with someone who is a bit slow.
2. Weird Science Superman IV : The Quest For Peace
When the writers of Superman IV became deranged, they didn't keep it quiet. In their potty world, up was down, black was white and space had fresh clean air. Nuclear Man carries Lacey Warfield into space and she doesn't seem to be in the least bit uncomfortable, in fact, she looks more like she is mildly put out. You can only imagine that the script was found scrawled in shit on their walls.
AND FINALLY...
1. The Rare Roaring Exploding Hate Filled Shark Jaws The Revenge (1987)
You know you have pissed off a shark when it kills your husband (in your deranged opinion), engineers the death of your youngest son and then follows you on your holidays. Well, never mind, because you can just drive a boat into his head and watch him spew blood. That is the expression after all, revenge is a dish best served random.
Comments about This Article
Mr Connery my name is Zardoz & your penish is evil!! Comment By: Zardoz, 17 Oct 2008, Rating: 2/5
Both Michael and I donated our fee to Lady Mud Wrestlers in Need as Mr. Winner suggested. This was before I lost that bollock. Comment By: Roger Moore, 16 Oct 2008, Rating: 5/5
I thought it was called, 'Shardosh'.
Comment By: Sean Connery, 16 Oct 2008, Rating: 5/5
I normally use the cellophane Superman S logos to wrap my sandwiches in. Basically it was the first thing I managed to grab & throw when those 3 bastards entered my kitchen, it was closely followed by 2 sticks of Pepperami, some Cream Crackers & a loaf of bread although unfortunately the film crew decided to edit that bit out. Comment By: Superman, 15 Oct 2008, Rating: 3/5
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