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|  |  | | TOP TEN HEROES AND VILLAINS THAT NEVER MADE IT |
Whether it was due to the ineptitude of Stan Lee, the lack of special effects wizardry or that the world was just not ready, may I present the heroes and villains that never made it.
01/10/08
 | 10. Treat Williams as Treat Trickington | The film was called Trick or Treat. A horror that was both a gore fest and a supernatural psychological thriller in one. It starred Treat Williams as Treat Trickington, a once hero cop tough on crime but fond of the tarrot cards. After inheriting a haunted deck of tarrot cards from his great Uncle, (played by Lance Henrickson), Treat was subject to an unfortunate supernatural accident making him even tougher on crime but also able to visit the ones that got away every Halloween and choose weather they got a trick or a treat.
Unlike the others this film was actually made but due to mysterious happenstances and deaths on set and post production this film was deemed too dangerous or even cursed; therefore it has not been released yet.
Super power - Able to select any card in a pack of cards and throw it with perfect accuracy over a mile into a crook
Side kick - The ghost of his dead great Uncle Lance
Nemesis - Street scum
Popular quote / catch phrase - Listen lady and no means no
|  | 9. Paul Hogan's Diabolica | If this were to be released it would have been the worst film of all time and may have caused time to cascade upon itself.
Because it was Australian it made no sense, It would have been as bad as Crocodile Dundee 3. Even birds refused to make their nests with the script which starred Paul Hogan as the Australian version of the Predator who spent his days searching Linda Wachowski's bush for a crack team of commando's.
Super power - None
Side kick - A small idiot in a leather football cap
Nemesis - Jesse (the body or ace) Ventura as a retired ninja
Catch Phrase - Put another corpse on the barbie
|  | 8. Larry Hagman as Le Jokeur | Penned as the greatest super hero film of all time the French scripted le Batmisseur ran into production problems from the off mainly due to Larrys' rather handsome fee.
Rather unusually and because it was French this ultra sexy script had Larry both playing the hero and villain. Starting off in the 1920's this story deals with the turmoil of modern life in the small French seaside town of le Bridlington as Larry becomes sexually aware one late summers eve via a serious multiple puncture of his new bicycle on the way to the cricket.
Super power - Toxic breath and genital warts
Side kick - Danny Devito as le Pompineaux (the deckchair attendant)
Nemesis - Himself
Popular quote - Onions, onions, who will buy my fresh onions
|  | 7. There is no number 7 | There is no film entitled, ‘The Incredible Snoozor', with Clive Owen
It does not star Christian Bale as the Nose Breather and Sean Bean as the Sweater.
It is not about a man who types ‘Yawn' into Google images and then rides the waves.
This film is a figment of your imagination and will not be released next summer
|  | 6. Ricardo Montalban as Dash Handsome | The people gathered in the streets shouting Kahn, Kahn, Kahn. William Shatner was jealous for he was the star of Star Trek 2, Wrath of Kahn not Ricardo Montalban. Hollywood picked up on this and assembled a crack group of writers to pen a screenplay following the exploits of a space renegade called Dash Handsome and his adventures in the 26th century with his sidekick Twacky and off white one piece jump suit.
Unfortunately it infringed on many copyright laws from Buck Rogers. The scripts were burned and the writers were shot.
Super power - Laser and bullet proof pecs
Side kick - A small robot called Twacky
Nemesis - The future and its crazy 'demolishonmanesqe' ways
Popular quote - Hee bi dee bee; what's up Dash
|  | 5. Derek Acorah as The Hauntsman | When Derek left the popular sit com ‘Most Haunted', to branch out on his own he was most surprised when the calls didn't come flooding in. Then one day many years later he got the call he was waiting for. Rather like the sit com he had starred in so many years before, the point of this project was sketchy at best. It stars Derek as a psychic private investigator who's also a serial fondler. He runs his detective agency out of a abandoned fire station in Kidderminster and just waits for the ladies to come a calling. Soon the woman find themselves irresistibly drawn to his slick blond hair, black suit, silk piano tie, diamond earing and cowboy boots and usually invite him back to there's for a quick séance. When he comes round he instantly gets possessed by an angry sailor and trips over the carpet with his hands stretched out for a quick squeeze.
Super power - Strong yet gentle hands
Sidekick - Sam the imaginary friend
Nemesis - Yvette Fielding
Catchphrase - The ghost made me do it !
|  | 4. Tom Sellek as Tashman | After the success of Mr. Baseball the world waited in anticipation for Tom's next blockbuster. What was it to be ? The answer was Tashman. Originally penned to be in three parts; Tashman' s Alibi , Tashman down under and Tashman and a little lady, this trilogy starts on the day mild mannered school nerd Tom was bit by a hobo. The next day he had transformed into a hairy top lipped pussy magnet. Unfortunately the movie was pulled due to its exorbitant special effects budget and that the script was mildly similar to Spiderman
Super power - Could make both men and woman orgasm with two jiggles of his eyebrows
Sidekick - Levar Burton as the Jordie forger
Nemesis - The late great Brion James who in contrast grew a beard with no tash and truly perfected his cockney accent for the part of Herr Chin.
|  | 3. Steven Seagal as the Shitster | Whilst behind enemy lines in Poland, ex cia hit man Steven Seagal is left for dead in a sewage treatment plant. Horribly deformed and with his skin replaced by a thin layer of human excrement he sets out causing a trail of brown vengance and collateral damage.
Super power - The famous turd slap
Side kick - Seagal rides alone
Nemesis - Chuck Norris as The Wiper
Catch Phrase - I'm gonna take you to the bank; the shite bank.
|  | 2. Sean Connery as - Scotch Mist | With almost two super films under his belt; Never Say Never Again and Zardoz, the good people at pinewood studios decided they needed a third super film. That movie was to be Scotch Mist; a tale about a half man half mist who appears at peoples flats, does a bit of cleaning and steals all the booze. The movie was pulled when they realised Sean couldn't do a Scottish accent.
Super power - Can become scotch mist
Side kick - Roger Moore as the Wigmaker
Nemesis - Timothy Dalton as Inspector Bumchin
Catch phrase - Nobody could understand it; (I'm pished)
| AND FINALLY...
 | 1. Michael Ironside as Armagedman | Sick of always getting his arms pulled off in films, Michael was ecstatic when the script for Armagedman came through his letterbox.
At least, Michael thought it was a script when he turned up at an address down town and found himself in a situation where he had to remove his own arms and replace them with candles to escape.
Rather than go to hospital, he called a taxi to take him to the film studio whilst perfecting the screenplay en route. It was just a shame the starring role was given to Rutger Hauer; and due to a clerical error the film was renamed, ‘Blind Fury'.
fin
| Comments about This Article |
| Dear Paul, I Totally Recall you were out of Turkish Deligh the last time I came round. I was quite a Hollow Man when I left. Please don't make anymore films - (Bing)
Comment By: Ned Briarson (Bing), 06 Oct 2008, Rating: 5/5 |
| I could have him showing everyone his dicky-do-dah when he uncrosses his legs? How erotic. I am Dutch, I am cracking off as I write this.
Comment By: Paul Verhoven, 01 Oct 2008, Rating: 5/5 |
| Dear Mr. Cronenberg. Everyone likes an exploding head; I shall increase the special effects budget to have all his limbs and bits explode one after antother like a roman candle and yet give him the chance to still save the day as he fashions a Worzel Gummidge set up out of potatoes and chicken feathers. Thank you for your insight on this matter.
Comment By: lego indiana jones, 01 Oct 2008, Rating: 5/5 |
| Would you settle for his head exploding? I did that to him in Scanners. I plan to make a sequel that has nothing to do with the first film but I'm sure I could squeeze in the odd exploding head. As long as it's Michael's...
Comment By: David Cronenberg, 01 Oct 2008, Rating: 5/5 |
| I wish I could watch Ironside lose his arms again. I hate him as he was better than me in V. Plus, he was in my favourite film of all time, "Highlander 2 : The Quickening".
I wanted to be in that and call it, "Highlander 2 : The Nothing To Do With The First One".
Make him lose more arms.
Comment By: Marc Singer, 01 Oct 2008, Rating: 5/5 |
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