Listen now to the latest An Occasional Theme Podcast: Episode 17 History
Merchandise    Subscribe Follow
Back to the home page Ted tells you what Free Stuff you can Have Hobo Merchandise at Cafe Press All the good stuff The opinions and knowledge of the rich and famous. Reviews of films, books, music and more. Submit your own. Dermot and Ted's Top Ten Preferences Dermot's Dictionary

Lego Indiana Jones's TOP TEN REASONS TO VOTE FOR HOBO BONOBO IN THE NEXT ELECTION Average Rating: 2.5 out of 5
Ted's Top Ten 80's Alien Films Average Rating: 4.5 out of 5
Lego Indiana Jones's Top Ten Things to do Before You Die Average Rating: 2.6 out of 5
Lego Indiana Jones's Top Ten random things from earth, part 2 Average Rating: 2.9 out of 5
Ted's Top Ten 80's Action Movies Average Rating: 2.7 out of 5
Ted's Top Ten Worst Cartoon Villains Average Rating: 2.6 out of 5
Ted's Top Ten Random Moments In Cinema Average Rating: 2.3 out of 5
Ted's Top Ten T.V. Spin Offs That NEED To Happen Average Rating: 2.7 out of 5
Lego Indiana Jones's Top Ten Heroes and Villains that never made it Average Rating: 2.6 out of 5
Ted's Top Ten British Sit-Com Characters Who Could Rule The World Average Rating: 2.7 out of 5
Ted's Top Ten Reasons Aliens will NEVER Land Or Invade Average Rating: 2.5 out of 5
Lego Indiana Jones's Top Ten Sperm Donors Average Rating: 2.4 out of 5
Ted's Top Ten Rubbish TV Heroes Average Rating: 2.2 out of 5
Ted's Top Ten Things Found in Christopher Biggins's House Average Rating: 2.5 out of 5
Lego Indiana Jones's Top Ten random things from Earth Average Rating: 2.7 out of 5
Ted's Top Ten Worst Accents In Film Average Rating: 2.2 out of 5
Ted's Top Ten Bond Moments Part 2 Average Rating: 3.1 out of 5
Ted's Top Ten Best Bond Moments Average Rating: 2.8 out of 5
Ted's Top Ten Most Disappointing Superhero Films Average Rating: 2.7 out of 5
Ted's Top Ten Superhero Films Average Rating: 2.5 out of 5
Dermot and Ted's Top Ten Rubbish TV Detectives Average Rating: 2.6 out of 5
Ted's Top Ten Worst Things About The Star Wars Prequels Average Rating: 2.4 out of 5
Ted's Top Ten Obligatory Moments For A Police Academy Film Average Rating: 2.3 out of 5
Ted's Top 10 Worst James Bond Films Average Rating: 2.6 out of 5
Ted's Top Ten Reasons Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull Sucked Average Rating: 2.5 out of 5
Top Ten Sperm DonorsTop Ten Sperm Donors
For any of you gals out there who fancy having a baby without the tedium or involvement of blokes


Gordon Schumway10. Gordon Schumway
Do you remember the 80's ?; If you do you'll remember a Jewish alien called Alf who disguised himself as a puppet in a sit-com to learn more about our species. With a taste for the limelight Gordon went on to direct and star in many blockbusters including; 'Project Alf', 'Strange Days' and more recently the smash hit buddy cop movie 'Mc.Cracken and Pinkwater', co-staring his life partner, Treat Williams.

Advantages- This sticky substance comes in a furry container for ease of application
Disadvantages- Yellow sperm may be off putting
Price- He'll come round and do it for £1.00
Result- Guaranteed 100% success rate

Ronnie Corbett9. Ronnie Corbett
Everyone likes a midget, and with this small but potent package you get free entry into the Ronnie Corbett wax museum where you can marvel at various wax Ronnie Corbetts and even visit the hall of taxidermy. (Don't forget to check out the stuffed Lionel Blair; it's a real treat)

Advantages- Free pinky ring with every purchase
Disadvantages- Comes wrapped in a Lyle and Scott sweater and must be taken orally
Price- Quite dear at £8,000 per ounce
Result- Small children who have trouble telling stories

TV's Ben Fogle8. TV's Ben Fogle
Do you want your children to be gay ? If the answers yes please, then look no further.

Advantages- None
Disadvantages- Way too many to name but here's the top 5
1, Blond haired children acceptable in Hitler's Britain
2, Children who make friends with flowers
3, Middle class children who look down on you
4, No matter how much you wash yourself you will never come clean
5, Nightmares
Price- It's free but you've got to be posh
Result- Upon their 12th. Birthday the children would be initiated into the John Craven coven of evil

Arthur Bostrom from TV's Allo Allo7. Arthur Bostrom from TV's Allo Allo
Who was it to be, Arthur wondered. His own sperm had been sealed in a vault for the sake of humankind. There were only 4 possible choices; the blokes off TV's Perfect Strangers or the blokes off TV's My 2 Dads. The answer was a hybrid super sperm made up of all 4 but passed off as budget Tom Selleck sperm. It's a controversial substance but I think you'll agree; a good choice never the less.

Advantages- Prompt delivery
Disadvantages- None worth mentioning
Price- A 30-litre container is £5.99
Result- Your children may adopt a fake French accent to get them out of tricky situations at school.
For example, "Good moaning teacher, I am pissed to see you today"

Peter Wyngarde6. Peter Wyngarde
This man, this self-proclaimed sex god has been responsible for many illegitimate children so there is a good chance he is actually your father. It is a well-known fact that the British water supply is made up of -
8% cheese
1% talcum powder
74% wee
17% peter Wynguard spunk

Advantages- An abundance of sperm always fresh on tap
Disadvantages- Inbreeding
Price- Peter says if you can handle it, you can have it
Result- Children may be born with a moustache

Ron Selleck5. Ron Selleck
Being Tom Sellecks' unsuccessful brother was always hard for Ron because he came up with the original idea for Magnum P.I. However, he called it Ron P.I. A series about a private investigator who works out of his bed-sit in Kidderminster with the aid of his customised red Raleigh Grifter and funded by old Mrs. Higgins from number 42a. Even the theme music was the same but played on an accordion.

Advantages- Free cycle lessons
Disadvantages- Ron cannot ride a bike
Price- Local delivery available at no extra charge
Result- The child will inherit the final Ron P.I script entitled - Ron leaves his bed-sit.

Johnny Five; aka Kip Williams4. Johnny Five; aka Kip Williams
When Treat Williams created this robot, it was only meant to free up some time in his busy schedule. Soon the robot became more popular than Treat with many hit films such as Short Circuit and Short Circuit 2. Treat became enraged and abandoned Johnny on a deserted island after staging the sinking of a mock cruise ship. Johnny waited patiently, growing in size and becoming invisible in the hope that Treat would one-day return to the island perhaps on a jet ski with a foxy lady in tow.

Advantages- Robosperm
Disadvantages- Try not to think about them
Price- It's already in your fridge
Result- It must be said, this ones a bit of a leap of faith with unpredictable results. I like to think a cross between the robot Vincent from the Black Hole and Paul Hogan.

Pot Luck3. Pot Luck
There are 5 canisters but we forgot to put the labels on: They are all free. If it helps we have written some labels out -
1, Bill Oddie
2, Bill Oddie
3, Bill Oddie
4, Cottage cheese
5, Bill Oddie

Chance in a Millions - Tom Chance2. Chance in a Millions - Tom Chance
Deemed as the thinking mans Frank Spencer, he never gave in to catchphrases such as, ‘oo Betty', ‘has anyone see Roddy Piper', and ‘run Marty it's the Libyans', therefore goes straight in at number 2

Advantages- Classy kids
Disadvantages- They may grow up to like Shakesphere
Price- As Simon Callow has to get into character to produce it, there are two charges. The first is £0.46 and Simon's fee is £1200 a cup
Result- As we speak, Hollywood is casting for a movie spin off from this series called ‘Chance and Chance', so this is one deposit that will pay for itself


Doc Savage - Man of Bronze1. Doc Savage - Man of Bronze
Steady on it's only a picture
The only doctor in this top ten and the only man who can take care of green animated snakes. In 1975 it was decided that because of this man evolution had peaked and the rest of us should stop bothering. Sadly the doc has never sired an offspring and was more interested in his Gentleman's club whose members are -
Chevy Chase
Pigsy of Monkey Magic
The bear from B.J. and the bear
Cillit bangs' Barry Scott
Cook, Ainsley Harriot
The old students Bob Holness hires to go round telling people he was the first James Bond

However, in the interest of evolution the doc has agreed to impregnate one lucky lady

Advantages- First lady in the Gentlemen's club where you can discuss hot topics such as the hovercraft and seating strategies for the new Austin Allegro
Disadvantages- Luminous green animated snake attacks
Price- Free, it's all the name of science
Result- A new super species capable of penning two episodes of Never the Twain at once.

Comments about This Article

OdI0CV Very good information. Lucky me I came across your site by chance (stumbleupon). I ave saved as a favorite for later!
Comment By: suba lube, 12 Aug 2018, Rating: 4/5

n2gPb6 Thanks a lot for the article post.Much thanks again. Really Great.
Comment By: check this out, 31 May 2018, Rating: 3/5

1IYVCw Your style is unique in comparison to other people I have read stuff from. Many thanks for posting when you have the opportunity, Guess I all just book mark this blog.
Comment By: yopute momde, 29 Jan 2018, Rating: 4/5

1A8aYs maybe you would have some experience with something like this.
Comment By: yopute momde, 08 Nov 2017, Rating: 1/5

admZLc Thanks again for the blog article.Really looking forward to read more. Want more.
Comment By: just another, 20 Sep 2017, Rating: 2/5

BcWPpX wow, awesome blog.Thanks Again. Awesome.
Comment By: jeremy abrams, 10 Jul 2017, Rating: 3/5

91FOOf There is certainly a lot to learn about this topic. I love all the points you made.
Comment By: jeremy abrams, 10 May 2017, Rating: 1/5

yS89qW There is certainly noticeably a bundle to understand about this. I assume you produced particular nice points in attributes also. jordans cheap
Comment By: jeremy abrams, 09 May 2017, Rating: 3/5

z96EQl The article posted was very informative and useful. You people are doing a great job. Keep going.
Comment By: this sheat, 04 Mar 2017, Rating: 1/5

VHOcQI I value the blog.Much thanks again. Great. ventolin
Comment By: article source, 31 Jan 2017, Rating: 1/5

Ap68MQ Just what I was looking for, regards for posting.
Comment By: suba bob, 26 Nov 2016, Rating: 4/5

7ZuFkg Very good blog post. I certainly love this site. Keep it up!
Comment By: hello flflex, 10 Oct 2016, Rating: 1/5

o0ElE6 Muchos Gracias for your article post.Really thank you! Want more.
Comment By: suba buba, 03 Aug 2016, Rating: 3/5

FRaygz Looking around I like to look around the web, regularly I will just go to Stumble Upon and follow thru
Comment By: pork movies, 06 Jul 2016, Rating: 2/5

vtEbXS You have made some really good points there. I checked on the web to learn more about the issue and found most individuals will go along with your views on this website.
Comment By: big dildos, 16 May 2016, Rating: 2/5

Keep up the excellent piece of work, I read few blog posts on this web site and I conceive that your weblog is rattling interesting and has bands of superb info.
Comment By: big dildos, 14 May 2016, Rating: 3/5

zOxKrL It as amazing for me to have a web page, which is good in support of my knowledge. thanks admin
Comment By: editor photo, 06 Apr 2016, Rating: 3/5

Qo9qAz to me. Nonetheless, I am definitely happy I came
Comment By: cocoservice on fiverr, 01 Mar 2016, Rating: 2/5

cLPYzD I was recommended this blog by my cousin. I am not sure whether this post is written by him as no one else know such detailed about my problem. You are amazing! Thanks!
Comment By: fiverr backlinks, 30 Jan 2016, Rating: 2/5

Comment By: dbSebqsklHKRQc, 01 Jan 2016, Rating: 2/5

Rid8PI I wanted to thank you for this very good read!! I definitely enjoyed every bit of it. I ave got you saved as a favorite to check out new things you post
Comment By: fiverr crorkservice, 28 Nov 2015, Rating: 1/5

zUFeWP you have a terrific blog here! would you like to create some invite posts on my blog?
Comment By: fiverr crorkservice, 08 Nov 2015, Rating: 1/5

vXVFWl Thank you for your post.Much thanks again. Will read on
Comment By: crork fiverr, 16 Oct 2015, Rating: 4/5

LVOwVZ wow, awesome blog.Really thank you! Cool.
Comment By: crork service, 16 Oct 2015, Rating: 1/5

4cGhHM Looking forward to reading more. Great article.Much thanks again. Much obliged.
Comment By: link building company, 28 Sep 2015, Rating: 4/5

s1EmRi Thank you for your blog article.Thanks Again. Fantastic.
Comment By: michael crork, 03 Sep 2015, Rating: 1/5

cEJG6u Appreciate you sharing, great article.Much thanks again. Fantastic.
Comment By: crorkz backlinks, 01 Jul 2015, Rating: 3/5

w4YmJq I truly appreciate this post.Much thanks again. Fantastic.
Comment By: crorkzz, 10 Jun 2015, Rating: 3/5

L3tRah Usually I do not read post on blogs, but I wish to say that this write-up very forced me to try and do it! Your writing style has been amazed me. Thanks, quite nice post.
Comment By: crorkservice, 05 May 2015, Rating: 4/5

fljBzy There is noticeably a bunch to realize about this. I consider you made certain good points in features also.
Comment By: crork matt, 06 Mar 2015, Rating: 2/5

iPD2sa Hello. fantastic job. I did not expect this. This is a great story. Thanks!
Comment By: crorkz, 16 Jan 2015, Rating: 4/5

23KNCs Hi there, I discovered your web site via Google at the same time as searching for a similar subject, your web site got here up, it appears to be like great. I've bookmarked it in my google bookmarks.
Comment By: matz crorkz, 23 Nov 2014, Rating: 1/5

Fiinndg this post. It's just a big piece of luck for me.
Comment By: Mourad, 16 Nov 2014, Rating: 3/5

iKKwVN Im grateful for the blog.Much thanks again. Awesome.
Comment By: crorkz matz, 06 Aug 2014, Rating: 1/5

IKpSWm Thanks so much for the blog.Really looking forward to read more. Fantastic.
Comment By: crorkz, 05 Aug 2014, Rating: 3/5

D8wonX Looking forward to reading more. Great blog article.Really thank you! Want more.
Comment By: matzcrorkz, 04 Aug 2014, Rating: 2/5

pjqydP I truly appreciate this blog.Really looking forward to read more. Great.
Comment By: mattew crorkz, 02 Aug 2014, Rating: 1/5

1B2SzS I cannot thank you enough for the post.Thanks Again. Fantastic.
Comment By: crorkservice, 17 Jul 2014, Rating: 1/5

BNgdUY Im thankful for the blog. Much obliged.
Comment By: awesome seo, 04 Jul 2014, Rating: 4/5

qrpXOz Very good article post.Really looking forward to read more. Awesome.
Comment By: nice penalty removal, 19 Jun 2014, Rating: 1/5

IgDUb0 Enjoyed every bit of your article post.Thanks Again. Will read on...
Comment By: awesome seo solutions, 04 Jun 2014, Rating: 1/5

RjO2iu A big thank you for your blog article.Much thanks again. Fantastic.
Comment By: nice seo guys, 11 May 2014, Rating: 2/5

Iuyjdn Thanks again for the blog.Really looking forward to read more. Keep writing.
Comment By: nice seo guys, 01 Apr 2014, Rating: 4/5

MhWyi9 Major thankies for the article.Really looking forward to read more. Much obliged.
Comment By: best prices, 22 Mar 2014, Rating: 4/5

2jm8tL Really informative blog post. Much obliged.
Comment By: awesome things!, 28 Feb 2014, Rating: 2/5

yJ5ZQP Hey, thanks for the blog post.Really thank you! Much obliged.
Comment By: stunning seo guys, 08 Jan 2014, Rating: 3/5

VNKl8R Major thankies for the blog article.Really thank you!
Comment By: seo service, 15 Dec 2013, Rating: 4/5

8yTh1X Looking forward to reading more. Great blog.Really looking forward to read more. Awesome.
Comment By: awesome stuff here, 18 Nov 2013, Rating: 2/5

scD8aU Say, you got a nice blog post.Much thanks again. Really Cool.
Comment By: take a look at it!, 01 Nov 2013, Rating: 2/5

ZbQAJM Really informative blog.Really thank you! Much obliged.
Comment By: top seo guys, 23 Oct 2013, Rating: 2/5

Ocvr1d I truly appreciate this post.Really thank you! Really Cool.
Comment By: check out these guys!, 16 Oct 2013, Rating: 2/5

pjwnSj Great, thanks for sharing this blog.Really thank you! Cool.
Comment By: cheap link building, 24 Sep 2013, Rating: 2/5

NrDHNN Very informative blog post.Much thanks again. Fantastic.
Comment By: online business, 13 Sep 2013, Rating: 2/5

fGqLzm Thank you for your blog.Really thank you! Awesome.
Comment By: the best seo service, 07 Sep 2013, Rating: 1/5

Magnificent list Lego. Though I feel it my duty to point out that while Gordon Schumway seed is off coloured, it kind of tastes like Vimto.
Comment By: Ted, 03 Sep 2008, Rating: 5/5

Comment on This Article
Your comment will be added automatically once you click on submit.
Your name:
Overall Rating out of Five:
Back to Index Page | What's New | Search | Links | Link to Us | Feedback | Contact Us | Site Map
The opinions expressed on are not those of anyone, particularly not the people to whom they have been accredited.
The content of the site is intended to be humourous, and is not intended to offend anyone.