For any of you gals out there who fancy having a baby without the tedium or involvement of blokes
03/09/08
 | 10. Gordon Schumway | Do you remember the 80's ?; If you do you'll remember a Jewish alien called Alf who disguised himself as a puppet in a sit-com to learn more about our species. With a taste for the limelight Gordon went on to direct and star in many blockbusters including; 'Project Alf', 'Strange Days' and more recently the smash hit buddy cop movie 'Mc.Cracken and Pinkwater', co-staring his life partner, Treat Williams.
Advantages- This sticky substance comes in a furry container for ease of application
Disadvantages- Yellow sperm may be off putting
Price- He'll come round and do it for £1.00
Result- Guaranteed 100% success rate
|  | 9. Ronnie Corbett | Everyone likes a midget, and with this small but potent package you get free entry into the Ronnie Corbett wax museum where you can marvel at various wax Ronnie Corbetts and even visit the hall of taxidermy. (Don't forget to check out the stuffed Lionel Blair; it's a real treat)
Advantages- Free pinky ring with every purchase
Disadvantages- Comes wrapped in a Lyle and Scott sweater and must be taken orally
Price- Quite dear at £8,000 per ounce
Result- Small children who have trouble telling stories
|  | 8. TV's Ben Fogle | Do you want your children to be gay ? If the answers yes please, then look no further.
Advantages- None
Disadvantages- Way too many to name but here's the top 5
1, Blond haired children acceptable in Hitler's Britain
2, Children who make friends with flowers
3, Middle class children who look down on you
4, No matter how much you wash yourself you will never come clean
5, Nightmares
Price- It's free but you've got to be posh
Result- Upon their 12th. Birthday the children would be initiated into the John Craven coven of evil
|  | 7. Arthur Bostrom from TV's Allo Allo | Who was it to be, Arthur wondered. His own sperm had been sealed in a vault for the sake of humankind. There were only 4 possible choices; the blokes off TV's Perfect Strangers or the blokes off TV's My 2 Dads. The answer was a hybrid super sperm made up of all 4 but passed off as budget Tom Selleck sperm. It's a controversial substance but I think you'll agree; a good choice never the less.
Advantages- Prompt delivery
Disadvantages- None worth mentioning
Price- A 30-litre container is £5.99
Result- Your children may adopt a fake French accent to get them out of tricky situations at school.
For example, "Good moaning teacher, I am pissed to see you today"
|  | 6. Peter Wyngarde | This man, this self-proclaimed sex god has been responsible for many illegitimate children so there is a good chance he is actually your father. It is a well-known fact that the British water supply is made up of -
8% cheese
1% talcum powder
74% wee
17% peter Wynguard spunk
Advantages- An abundance of sperm always fresh on tap
Disadvantages- Inbreeding
Price- Peter says if you can handle it, you can have it
Result- Children may be born with a moustache
|  | 5. Ron Selleck | Being Tom Sellecks' unsuccessful brother was always hard for Ron because he came up with the original idea for Magnum P.I. However, he called it Ron P.I. A series about a private investigator who works out of his bed-sit in Kidderminster with the aid of his customised red Raleigh Grifter and funded by old Mrs. Higgins from number 42a. Even the theme music was the same but played on an accordion.
Advantages- Free cycle lessons
Disadvantages- Ron cannot ride a bike
Price- Local delivery available at no extra charge
Result- The child will inherit the final Ron P.I script entitled - Ron leaves his bed-sit.
|  | 4. Johnny Five; aka Kip Williams | When Treat Williams created this robot, it was only meant to free up some time in his busy schedule. Soon the robot became more popular than Treat with many hit films such as Short Circuit and Short Circuit 2. Treat became enraged and abandoned Johnny on a deserted island after staging the sinking of a mock cruise ship. Johnny waited patiently, growing in size and becoming invisible in the hope that Treat would one-day return to the island perhaps on a jet ski with a foxy lady in tow.
Advantages- Robosperm
Disadvantages- Try not to think about them
Price- It's already in your fridge
Result- It must be said, this ones a bit of a leap of faith with unpredictable results. I like to think a cross between the robot Vincent from the Black Hole and Paul Hogan.
|  | 3. Pot Luck | There are 5 canisters but we forgot to put the labels on: They are all free. If it helps we have written some labels out -
1, Bill Oddie
2, Bill Oddie
3, Bill Oddie
4, Cottage cheese
5, Bill Oddie
|  | 2. Chance in a Millions - Tom Chance | Deemed as the thinking mans Frank Spencer, he never gave in to catchphrases such as, ‘oo Betty', ‘has anyone see Roddy Piper', and ‘run Marty it's the Libyans', therefore goes straight in at number 2
Advantages- Classy kids
Disadvantages- They may grow up to like Shakesphere
Price- As Simon Callow has to get into character to produce it, there are two charges. The first is £0.46 and Simon's fee is £1200 a cup
Result- As we speak, Hollywood is casting for a movie spin off from this series called ‘Chance and Chance', so this is one deposit that will pay for itself
| AND FINALLY...
 | 1. Doc Savage - Man of Bronze
Steady on it's only a picture | The only doctor in this top ten and the only man who can take care of green animated snakes. In 1975 it was decided that because of this man evolution had peaked and the rest of us should stop bothering. Sadly the doc has never sired an offspring and was more interested in his Gentleman's club whose members are -
Chevy Chase
Pigsy of Monkey Magic
The bear from B.J. and the bear
Cillit bangs' Barry Scott
Cook, Ainsley Harriot
The old students Bob Holness hires to go round telling people he was the first James Bond
However, in the interest of evolution the doc has agreed to impregnate one lucky lady
Advantages- First lady in the Gentlemen's club where you can discuss hot topics such as the hovercraft and seating strategies for the new Austin Allegro
Disadvantages- Luminous green animated snake attacks
Price- Free, it's all the name of science
Result- A new super species capable of penning two episodes of Never the Twain at once.
| Comments about This Article |
| Magnificent list Lego. Though I feel it my duty to point out that while Gordon Schumway seed is off coloured, it kind of tastes like Vimto.
Comment By: Ted, 03 Sep 2008, Rating: 5/5  |
|
|
| | | | | | | | | | | |
