|When given exclusive acess to the portly actors home (while he was on holiday) I have compiled a top 10 of the most interesting artifacts.|
|10. I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here vest and pants.|
|Hanging pride and place in Biggins's wardrobe is the vest and pants set that he so lovingly wore in the jungle.
"I have had some boners in that!" He uttered to anyone who would listen in his local launderette.
|9. Life Sized Cardboard Cut Out of Han Solo|
|"There is no one in fact or fiction that I relate to more than Han Solo" Biggins stated in his 1988 interview with Michael Aspel.
"I think it is the fact that we are kindred spirits, he may be in a galaxy far, far away, but it's like we are brothers. I would have loved to have been Chewbacca, I could have accompanied
Han on all those many adventures and maybe sometimes we could hold hands while we shoot people or kiss ladies."
|8. Photograph of Tim Curry|
|Biggins had the pleasure to work with Curry in the 1975 film, "The Rocky Horror Picture Show"
Biggins is a big fan of his work and also was a big fan of him in the TV series, "Rising Damp" when he played the character "Miss Jones".
When told on many occasions that this wasn't Tim Curry who played this character, Biggins would simply pull up his trousers and leave.
|7. Red Arm Band|
|The very same Red arm band worn by Biggins in the television programme, "Porridge"
Biggins likes to wear it whilst performing menial tasks such as, washing, folding paper or pleasuring himself.
He is said to say that this reminds him that he should never do crime and therefore never end up in prison.
"I would get bummed senseless" He has been heard to say.
|6. Lava Lamp|
|Biggins is a huge fan of Lava Lamps, but owing to a administrative error, he is now lumbered with a lamp covered in lava, he keeps this in the cupboard under the stairs, next to the Nazi paraphernalia.
Biggins prefers his home made version, by which he dips his member area into a glass vase and shines a torch through. His preferred relaxation music is the sound of a deer crouching and looking confused.
|5. Patent pending "Gun-Broom"|
|Biggins is all geared up and ready for the next series of "Dragons Den".
He has been working on his particular invention for the last two months.
Biggins is often worried by the impending threat of terrorist attacks facing cleaners, caretakers and janitors alike.
He has therefore invented a broom with a gun nailed to the end, "A simple solution in a complicated world" is etched into the handle.
It is also worth noting that the gun has bite marks on the barrel.
|4. "On Safari" suit|
|Biggins is proud of this suit. He wore it during every transmission of "On Safari", the 1981-85 game show that he hosted.
This suit in presented in a glass case at the top of Biggins staircase. Readers
may be interested to note that the glass case is littered with finger prints and kiss marks.
"I made a lot of love in that suit." Biggins will often tell guests, whilst crying.
|3. Talking Soda Stream|
|In the giddy summer of 1986, Biggins had the worlds first Talking Soda Stream installed, although they never really took off in the market place, Biggins has his pride and place in his kitchen, next to the kettle.
"Enjoy some Soda" utters the machine in a way in which you can only assume Stephen Hawking is your bar steward. "Mmmmm, that's Soda Stream." Is another example of the machine's banter.
The reason they did not eventually take off is that after the forth Soda, the machine (for unknown , baffling reasons) shouts, "Christopher Biggins!!"
While this is not everyone's cup of Soda, this is a dream come true for Biggins. When he feels low or sad, he will simply drink five Soda streams and feel better.
It is also suggested that Biggins will then be so full of pop that he burps the national anthem.
|2. Picture of Condorman|
|Biggins is a huge fan of the 1981 Disney movie, Condorman.
It has been suggested that Biggins has a tattoo of Woody Wilkins (The hero of Condorman, as played by Michael Crawford) on his right bum cheek and Oliver Reed's Krokov (Bad guy in Condorman) autograph tattoo's onto the shaft of his member. Biggins has been heard to say that he loves "giving Oliver Reed's autograph" to his fans.
Biggins's piece of art is quite a sight. Drawn in crayon, acrylic paint, his own effluence and blood.
The picture itself is nailed to his bedroom wall, Biggins loves Condorman to be the first and last thing he sees. He also looks at the picture constantly before bed in the vague hope that his dreams will once again entail himself in peril and Condorman saving him, flying him awkwardly over a small distance and making love with him in an Austrian chalet whilst whispering sweet nothings into his ear in his terrible American accent.
|1. Telephone number for Don Estelle.|
|The tiny tenor, best known as "Lofty" in "It Aint 'Arf Hot Mum" and his hit 1975 single, "Whispering Grass", was a good friend of Biggins during the late 1970's.
Biggins keeps the number pinned to his kitchen notice board as he once lent Estelle fifteen pounds in 1982 at the Royal variety performance.
Biggins is constantly riled by this debt as by lending this money to Estelle he was unable to purchase a take-away on his way home.
Although Biggins was not aware of this at the time, Estelle used the money to add to the other fifteen pounds borrowed from twelve other celebrities to spend on a high class call girl with giant mellons.
Biggins was unaware of this until 2001, when upon reading Estelle's autobiography, "Sing Lofty: Thoughts Of A Gemini", this event was mentioned in staggering and some would say, unnecesary amounts of detail.
This only compounded Biggins's rage as the debt was never paid or even acknowledged by Estelle's family at his 2003 funeral when Biggins burst in and demanded the fifteen pounds plus interest or he would, "Slash some faces"
The number is kept on the notice board as a reminder not to trust ANYONE.
|Comments about This Article|
|Dear Mr. Boothley-Hemmorrhoid.
I am afraid he did not utter a word, mind you, it would have quite put me off my tommy-tug if he did.
Comment By: Ted Bonobo, 02 Sep 2008, Rating: 5/5
|Tell me young Ted, when you discovered his rotting corpse did he say "Gadzooks" ?
If he didn't he may have been an imposter.........you can never be too careful with these dead types!!
Comment By: Mr J Boothley - Hemorrhoid, 02 Sep 2008, Rating: 1/5
|Sadly, all I found was the rotting corpse of Timothy Claypole in the shed.|
Comment By: Ted, 27 Aug 2008, Rating: 5/5
Was there any Rentaghost stuff in his dust bin ?
Comment By: lego indiana jones, 27 Aug 2008, Rating: 5/5