This list was beamed directly into space in the year 2348 as an introduction as to what our planet could bring to the universe.
21/08/08
 | 10. The Mystic Beard | No one knows where the mystic beard came from; (I suspect wings for wildlife). It was last seen on Brain Blessed, but where did it start it’s life. Being an avid adventurer I have traced the mystic beard back through time to the 1970’s, it’s had many popular owners and seems to give them a usefull skill; allow me to demonstrate-
Brian Blessed - loud voice
Bill Oddie - can control birds with a magical whistle
Steven Seagal (hard to kill) - Pathological liar
Nanny from Count Duckula - Superhuman powers
Mr. T as B.A. Baracus - Gave him the power to, 'pity fools’
Lee Majors - Able to control piranhas with his singing
Grizzly Adams - Bears found him irresistible
|  | 9. The Mystic Beard
The mystic beard has also had an adverse affect on the people who desired it but never got it | Eddie Mumphry - Multiple personality, claims he can talk to animals and sometimes becomes a woman
Louis Gosset Junior - Claims he was the original Games Master, not Patrick Moore
Matt Lucas - Repetitive strain injury
Sean Bean - Loads of sweat
Jimmy Cranky - Little to no grasp of theoretical astrophysics
The phrase “what you talkin’ bout woolass” - After little success in the eighties this phrase found itself rarely used in conversation
|  | 8. The Black Car from the David Hasslehoff show | Imagine building an American muscle car and then giving it the voice of Mr Feeny from 'boy meets world'; what were they thinking. However saying that, I'm sure this programme is to blame for all the men out there who have ‘mysteriously’ got their 'old chap' stuck up the exhaust.
K.I.T.T., “What are you doing Michael ?"
Hoff, “Nothing”
k.I.T.T., “Someone call the police, I'm being interfered with”
|  | 7. The Fall Guy Mysteries | Mystery 1, in the opening theme Colt Seevers is seen to be taking an outdoor bath with his cowboy hat and cigar. Suddenly Jodie walks past the bath and does a double take obviously noticing his trouser trumpet poking out the water. Colt is sometimes then seen covering it up with the hat. Yet in one episode I clearly remember him getting out the bath wearing his jeans and cowboy boots. So what was in the bath to make Jodie do a double take ?
Mystery 2, in an episode of the Fall Guy, Colt Seevers was seen to perform a stunt to be featured in the new bond film. I have not yet seen that stunt featured in any of the bond films yet so can only assume it will be in the next one.
|  | 6. The British remake of the sit-com, Who's the Boss | As the battle for Earth drew to a close we would gather round our black and white televisions one fatefull eve in 1996 and watch the final confrontation between Honor Blackman and her golden finger and 'On the ups', Mrs. Wembly with her unbound lust for cock. With stroke after nefarious stroke Mrs. Wemlby sliced the world in two destroying city after city but Honar Blackman had a final gambit to play and in defeating Mrs. Wembly she truly did have the Upper Hand.
(You may have seen people waffling on for twenty minutes but I assure you this is how it happened)
|  | 5. Condorman | With Frank Spencer as Woody Wilkins, this 80's cold war apocolyptical nightmare tackles the issues of the decade that Moores' bond dare not address in Octopussy. And with famous lines such as, "__________ ", it's no wonder this epic erotic adventure was such a life changer.
|  | 4. The Highlander | I always wanted to be Connor McLeod and even went round decapitating people for a laugh in the late 80’s with a French accent shouting, “zer can bee only un”.
|  | 3. Small two dimensional screen dwellers | This is what I call those people who occasionally appear on a late night film and do sign language, except for the complex scenes where they watch it and simply shrug their shoulders. The first time I saw Spy Hard I thought this person was part of the film and when I asked him to leave, he simply shrugged his shoulders.
|  | 2. The hit show; Tales of the Golden Monkey | When I mention this to people, they look at me as if I were mad. I could never figure out if they don’t remember it or if the show was a figment of my imagination. Sometimes I wake up in a cold sweat and have to check if there are still records of it on the internet. I also like to pretend I have a glass eye.
| AND FINALLY...
 | 1. George Hamilton’s Dracula | With catch phrases like, 'twenty- three skidoo' and insulting white folks by calling them, 'honkey' in a Transylvanian accent it's no wonder this film rocked the 70's. when Gary Oldman tried to reanimate this character in his one man show, 'Dracula meets Anthony Hopkins', the ever so sauvé George Hamilton was there to lend a hand and even took over in one of the scenes that Gary Oldman said was un-actable.
A. Hopkins, Welsh, "He's the son of the devil himself"
K. Reeves, accent unknown, “Bloody hell”
G, Hamilton, slight Jewish lilt, “Twenty- three skidoo, honkey”
George Hamilton then turns into a plastic bat and flies out the window.
| Comments about This Article |
| Mr. Hopkins, I never drink wine, and I do not smoke shit.
Comment By: Ted Bonobo, 21 Aug 2008, Rating: 5/5  |
| I can only say "________".
Comment By: Dermot, 21 Aug 2008, Rating: 5/5 |
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