|Coming direct from the addled brain of George Lucas.|
|10. Acting To Nothing|
|There have been some wonderful actors throughout the years.
I am sure that even the best actors that ever lived would have problems acting or reacting to a tennis ball stuck on a pole.
Is it any wonder then that in the Star Wars prequels everyone comes across like they are all acting in a primary school Nativity play?
|9. The Waste of Samuel L. Jackson|
|When Samuel L.Jackson appeared on TFI Friday and dropped hints like hot potatoes that he wanted a part in the prequels, Lucas was only too happy to cast him. Sadly, he gave him a character to play who is little more than a reactionary reactor who reacts badly to things and is friends with a little green man.
So, a perfect fit for one of the most likable screen presences in the last 15 years.
But good news, he gets killed by the biggest over actor this side of Hoth. But more about that later.
|8. Robot Wars|
|Is there anything more thrilling than watching a bunch of robots who have been drawn on smashing up another bunch or robots who have also been drawn on, against a backdrop that looks like more a Nintendo game than a film set?
Why yes George, there is.
|7. Darth Sillius|
|When Ian McDiarmid appeared in Return of the Jedi, he really chewed up the scenery, but in a good way. He was menacing, evil and every bit the Emperor.
When he changes in Episode 3 into Darth Sidious, he quickly descends into the world of "What the fuck was that?" acting.
If you seek proof, watch Episode 3, the scene in which Mace Windu has him cornered and he utters the phrase,"NO, NO, NO" over and over again like he is on his 5th crack pipe of the day.
|Chemistry is important in your leading players.
Han and Leia had it, shit, even Luke and Yoda had it.
Anakin and Padme don't have it, they are like 2 chairs looking at each other in a forest.
Padme is also the character with the steepest clever-to-stupid arc in the prequels.
In Episode 1, she is an intelligent politician with a wily spirit who is also handy with a blaster. By Episode 3 she is a weeping retard who doesn't even notice Anakin is turning evil. Mind you,I cant really blame her for that as the only way he can show anger is to look like he needs a poo - she probably suspects he is constipated.
|5. Count Dooku|
|Now, when you first heard respected British thespian Christopher Lee addressed as Count Dooku, did you think of a small green vampire duck?
I know I did.
This character is awful and about as menacing as a small green duck.
I don't know what is more laughable, an old frail man fighting in the dark so you cant see his obvious stunt double or the horrendous CGI face they stuck on the stunt man.
|4. The Droids|
|Comic relief is a wonderful thing, when used in the right measures.
The droids in the original trilogy have the perfect amounts of screentime, they come in now and then with a quick gag and exit without bothering you too much.
In the prequels however, they are like a warped version of Cannon and Ball. Very, very annoying.
Remember the scene in which C3P0 has the wrong head on and is one of the bad droids?? I think it was supposed to be funny, but it was the cinematic equivalent of someone driving your car into a cancer ward.
While we are talking about the droids, where did R2D2 get that extra function from? A jet pack? You know, that would have come in very useful in numerous moments in the original trilogy, but he can't even get up stairs in those films. In Episode 2 he is flying around the place like fucking Biggles.
|Wow! Yoda can jump around like a crazy thing! He can do triple somersaults and back flips now! Isn't that cool?!?!
Well, no, it isn't, it is a smelly turd of an idea.
In Episode 1 Yoda was a puppet again, and although he had obviously been moulded by a spazmo, he was slow moving little old man, which befits his appearance.
In Episode 2, he is suddenly a CGI creation, and hey, he can loop the loop and jump about, which is like having a climatic battle in a Steven Seagal film in which George Burns enters to fight Seagal and suddenly is roundhouse kicking and flipping all round the screen.
You would quite rightly be disturbed by the vision - that's because it would be shit, which it is.
|Now, I dont know about you, but when I watched the original Star Wars trilogy, I loved Darth Vader, he was just so bad!
At the end of Return of the Jedi when Luke removes Vader's mask, I was a little taken aback to see that J.R. Hartley from the Yellow Pages adverts was sat inside. He looked about as menacing and evil as my nan.
But, looking back, compared to how he was as a kid, he was fucking Hitler!
Episode 1 would have us believe that Anakin Skywalker was kid so annoying that you are left to suspect that all those Midi-chlorians were working in tandem to just turn him into the galaxy's biggest pain in the arse. When he wasn't whinging he was talking like he had a broom up his arse feeding him lines. He had all the acting ability of a tooth pick and every time he said anything it was like nails on a blackboard.
Obi Wan Kenobi should have really had a quiet word with Qui-Gon-Jin (Note to Lucas: nice name, Bozo) and addressed the fact that they are risking life and limb for a kid who should really be in Home Alone 6 or at the very least Michael Jackson's house.
Imagine the stress and strain of long journies through space with Jimmy Kranky?
I was in that first Jedi council meeting. I remember saying, "This 'boy' is supposed to bring balance to the force? Then why do I want to put a pillow over his face??"
But worry not, because when he reached adolescence he became more and more annoying by being a whole new pain in the arse who cannot act (at least the casting was consistent for the character).
Also, it is worth noting that for the most powerful Jedi that has ever lived he is also the most easily led. All the Emperor has to do is butter him up for 5 minutes and bingo, evil, and not just evil, killing "youngling" (Again, well done George) evil.
I can't help but think that had Anakin been allowed to venture out into the real world for five minutes that he would be a magnet to every con man and fraudster under the sun. Before you can say Naboo his credit cards would be financing every criminal activity and scam in the borough.
Some powerful Jedi he is.
As for his reaction to Padme's death, even in that rock hard suit he acts like a pansy.
It is worth remembering that this trend does continue into the "good trilogy". In Jedi, Luke tells Vader he has good in him and it is almost like Vader thinks about it for a while and then agrees and helps save the day.
Hang on? An hour ago you were eating babies and wiping your robot arse on puppies. Oh, that Anakin, so easily led.
So, next time you see the mask come off at the end of Jedi, remember, he is the cool one.
|1. Jar Jar Binks|
|The worst idea to ever be committed to screen.
What do you do when you feel there isn't enough humour in your film?
Get someone funny to give it the once over and offer advice? Don't be silly.
No, what you do is create a character so annoying and fuckwitted that fans of the original films will want to hang themselves every time he is on screen. What with him and that fucking annoying kid, it is a wonder that the film was allowed to be released without a heavy rating.
How was 'A Clockwork Orange' an X and Episode 1 not? Which is more damaging? The Droogs kicking the shit out of a tramp, or Jar Jar Binks talking shite on screen with Jimmy Kranky whinging endlessly??
There was such a hate campaign towards Jar Jar on the internet at that time that I bet if Hitler was around he would have thought "Come on, he isn't that bad, lay off him."
With each sequel that followed he was buried and featured less and less, which could only be good news right? Nope, Lucas then decided to rape C3PO instead and made that poor sod Jar Jar 2.0.
There were people accusing Lucas of racism after Episode 1 relating to Jar Jar's walk, people felt it was a racist stereotype. I say this is horseshit, it was just bad animation. It must have occurred to the "wizards" (Wizards can be bad too) at ILM that the CGI for Jar Jar that looked pretty ropey in 1999, would look worse and worse as the years went by, but they went ahead anyway.
Before they even knew what they had, they patented it, they packaged it, and now they're selling it.
I'm just going to set up my gallows.
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Comment By: belka, 11 Apr 2012, Rating: 0/5
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Comment By: Al, 26 Mar 2010, Rating: 5/5
|Qui-Gon rocked and the name was satisfactory. Podracing was neat. General Grievous was *almost* awesome. Battle Droids were a suitable precursor to stormtroopers. Yoda's action scene was sweet, but they ruined it by giving all the geezers their own uber-fights and ruining Yoda's special nature.
Ever else in the prequels was utter and total shit. Acting, plot, everything, with the despicable Jar and Jar and AWFUL Hayden Christensen leading the pack.
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|Also, can you truly say, hand on heart that Sebulba rocked? Watoo rocked? Qui Gon rocked? The backstreet boys cameo rocked? Young Anakin rocked? Older Anakin rocked? The two headed pod racer commentator rocked? Anakin's mother rocked? C3PO (before he was wiped from being the universe's biggest wanker) rocked? Every charecter in EPisode 2 rocked??? NO. Is the answer. They were all utter, utter, utter shit hurling thunder cunts.|
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