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Rawhead Rex - (Film)
Hello, I am Tommy "Top Trumps" Taylor, winner of the 2004 annual Top Trumps contest that was held in Russia, not the popular card game you understand, it was merely a farting contest.
When I was in Russia a local man called Petre asked if I would like to watch a film with him while we waited for the contest to begin, we had hours to kill, so I looked over his DVD collection, they were all the standard fare you would expect, but tucked away in the corner was a DVD that really caught my eye, "Rawhead Rex"
"Can we watch this?" I enquired.
"No, no way, no, no!!!" Shouted Petre as he sobbed.
I managed to calm him down and he went on to inform me that it was the scariest film he had ever seen, the only reason he had it was to make sure that no one else would watch it, if anyone else did see it, there would be a blanket of fear over the whole world.
Petre looked tired after his exertions, still sobbing and wailing, he eventually dropped off to sleep.
I went into the front room and took a drink, still shaken from Petre's outburst, I decided that the best course of action would be to watch the film and judge for myself.
The film begins in Ireland, a small village, life is normal, a farmer is attempting to remove a giant stone from his field, a church service is being conducted, people go about their usual business.
The farmer is having no luck with the stone, he has friends to help him, however after many attempts they leave as the stone is seemingly impossible to move, the farmer does not give up as easily as his companions, he still tries as hard as he can to rid his field of this stone, back in church the service continues as normal, a few giggles from town women aimed at the lowly verger, but to be honest, he does look gimpy, so that's fair enough.
There is a stained glass window that looks like a monster with red eyes, the light from the sun comes through the eyes and leads to a table of some sort.
At the field the farmer is now using a crowbar to move the stone, it begins to budge slightly, the farmer looks pleased, suddenly, without warning the stone is struck by lightning, the farmer jumps back as his hands are burnt by the glowing crowbar, suddenly the rock falls over and out of the pit stands RAWHEAD REX, looking like a bad bastard with razor sharp teeth, claws, crossed eyes, 9 ft tall and a mullet from a duran duran video, he proceeds to eat the farmer and raw alot.
Back in church the service has long been over, the verger is tidying up, he notices the lights coming from the stained glass window monsters eyes, he follows the trail to the table and touches the table, suddenly there is a special effect and the verger screams.
He is now seeing what REX sees, hearing what he hears, this is scary stuff so far, I am beginning to think Petre was right.
Howard Hallenbeck arrives in town with his wife and two children, he is researching for a book about ancient churches, he takes some photos and visits the same church we saw earlier, immediately, the stained glass with REX on it catches his eye, while waiting for the vicar he is captivated.
The vicar arrives, Howard asks about the stained glass, the vicar says that he is unsure about where the glass from as there have been many fires in the church in the past and the records were destroyed.
We now see a pregnant woman cooking her dinner, her husband arrives home (a farmer) and kisses her, they have a brief chat and he then notices that the shed is open, how can this be? he locked it earlier.
He goes over to investigate and looks inside, REX leaps out and slaughters him while his wife watches in terror from the kitchen window, she screams, REX sees her and approaches the window in haste.
The woman races up stairs to get away from the best, she hides herself away in the top bedroom and locks the door, she stands by the door shaking and crying, there is no sound, nothing, it is terrifying.
Suddenly the hand of the beast bursts through the wood of the door and scratches the pregnant ladies stomach, she collapses in fear, the door explodes open and REX bursts in, he approaches the woman, ready to slaughter her, his claws extend, he then looks again and sees that she is pregnant, and for some reason does not kill her, he spares her life.
From here on in it is a terror fest of the highest order, REX proceeds to slaughter most or Ireland, he kills Howard's son and does a big piss on the verger, he then eats throws the priest at a patch of grass, the police arrive to kill him but he slaughters them too and just when it looks like no one can stop him...well, you will have to see for yourself.
After the film finished I was taken to hospital by Petre, my heart had stopped and my hair had turned white as a sheet, I was almost scared to death.
If you watch this film, call an ambulance first.
It was literally quite good.