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Sweeney Todd - (Film) 
Firstly, apologies for my extended absence from the reviews section - I got involuntarily involved in a corporate espionage conspiracy concerning two rival companies who had both created a minaturisation process. I was minding my own business in a shopping mall when all of a sudden I was injected with a tiny person in a little spaceship-type thing (apparently he was supposed to be injected into a rabbit) and ended up on a crazy adventure with the investigative reporter girlfriend of the guy in the spaceship. With hilarious consequences. It was all alright though as we got the stolen microchips back and the guy was returned to normal size.
The story was so bizarre I decided to script it in an attempt to sell it to a hollywood producer - apparently there has already been a film made along a similar subject. Truth can be stranger than fiction!
Why was I here...? Oh yeah, Sweeney Todd. I was looking forward to the big screen outing for everyone's favourite Flying Squad (Sweeney Todd - get it? Cockney Rhyming slang!) hardmen, Regan & Carter - with recent great films already made about Crockett & Tubbs and Starsky & Hutch I thought we'd be onto a sure thing.
Unfortunately this was not true to the original TV series and left a lot to be desired. Rather than kneecapping the bad guys with a baseball bat and shouting "you're nicked you slag!", Regan (not sure where Carter was throughout the film - maybe Dennis Waterman had other commitments) now wields a cut throat razor.
And when the fuck did tough but fallible copper Jack Regan ever break into song?! John Thaw must be turning in his sheepskin jacket in his grave!
Johnny Depp needs to stick to what he's best at - playing cockney police officers in historically accurate docu-dramas about serial killers in victorian London...Rating: 1/5
By Mr Ic Van Dyke
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