Posted by Paul Canyon on May 05, 2006 at 12:12:02:
"The weekend is here!" Bruno shouted.
everyone applauded, I started thinking about how if I had said that no one would have cared.
"Are you not drinking that?" I said to Martin.
"Yes, thanks!" Said Martin defensively.
I went on to tell Martin that I only asked because he hadn't taken a sip for a minute and in my house that means you have finished with it.
Jane arrived looking gleam, she said that she had left her job, and that her boss was a wanker.
I asked if she had heard about my leg, she said she hadn't, Clive piped up and started to tell Jane about how I had lost my leg at work today whilst filing, Jane said that was awful, I said it could have been worse.
Tom said I should sue the company and take them for everything they've got, everyone agreed, I didn't want to tell them I cut it off myself as I didn't want to file anymore.
"Are you drinking that?" I said
"Yes, fuck off" Martin said.
It had been a minute.
We left the pub and went back to Clive's flat.
Clive had a new T.V, "It's a Globo 47" he said, "It has an interactive African tribe channel, you can actually watch them all day"
He went on to say that is was really interesting to see how another culture behaved and interacted with each other and that he was thinking of writing an article about it for the Guardian and he was sure the editor would say yes to it as they shared the same wank tissue once at a party.
He said you have to pay extra to watch the Bosnian version of the Osbournes, but that it was crap anyway, as all they do is eat beetroot and lick.
Miles blurted out that all T.v was these days was "tits and gravy" and that no one had the balls to make a documentary about tramps, shows that were made at the street level.
Miriam said she had honked a bad line and went off to be sick in the sink, Clive reminded her that it was a brand new sink and even he wouldn't use it as it may affect the guarantee if he had to take it back, he handed her a series of cups and a hoover,"Bark into these" he said.
"When is Duncan getting here?" Nigel said.
"It's his bloody leaving party and he hasn't turned up yet!"
Duncan was moving to Estonia to work on his "BangBang" sculpture he had started when he was 13, it was mainly made of bins and cones and chicken wire, but it was said to be so good that every museum in the country were paying Nigel a monthly grant to finish it.
Nigel arrived at midnight with a prostitute, "I just sold BangBang" he shouted, "I'm going to rip this bitch up and sell her guts, she signed the papers."
Clive reminded Nigel that it was a new flat and that he didn't want any mess as he wanted his money back one day, and anyway, he hadn't sold BangBang as it was in Clive's mothers garage ready for Estonia.
Nigel went on to say that he had burnt down Clive's parents house and invited the worlds press to "the most horrific installation ever created" he said that ITN got a great shot of Clive's mum burning to death on the lawn and they may use it in the next set of smoke alarm adverts, he said he would have a word with them and see if Clive can get some image rights royalties.
Nigel said that when the fire had been extinguished a Belgian collector offered a hundred million pounds for all the ashes, so he sold all of it.
Clive put his new T.V back on and we all witnessed the carnage and saw the footage of Clive's mum, to be honest, it was really good, and would make a great smoke alarm advert.
Clive came at Nigel with a knife, Jane started to scream,they made comments about each other, wrestled and then both went quiet, Miriam screamed as Nigel fell off the knife.
"Shit" said Clive and started to honk tears.
Jane started to say that it was self defence and Miriam agreed, Bruno called for the police I couldn't remember the number for an ambulance though.
Miles blurted out that violence was inherent in the system, Clive was honking water like mad and rocking back and forth in Jane's arms.
"Are you drinking that?" I asked
"No" Said Michael, "How can you ask at a time like this?" he added
I reminded Michael it had been at least 10 minutes since he even touched his glass.