The Book Group
Guide Dogs For The Blind
An Interview With Guilt Johnson
|Bruno seemed uneasy, it hadn't been the first time he had looked so nervous.|
The last time he looked this nervous he was having arse pierced for charity, the charity was extremely grateful, though for some reason he didn't get on comic relief that year, Miriam got in a bath of beans, Lenny Henry said she was boring, and that it had been done before, Roland Rivron said if she really cared about the starving children in Africa she would pep it up a bit by putting a deadly spider in with her, then Jack Dee arrived and said something in a miserable voice and everyone laughed, I could've done that.
Bruno smoked another cigarette, "want one?" he said, Yes, please" I said, "Can I have four please, as I am trying to cut up".
Bruno gave me that look he gives me sometimes when I say something.
"I don't know why I'm so nervous." he honked, "It's only a job interview"
I went on to explain that he should be nervous as he was not very good and that the job really was out of his league and that they would probably give it to someone else. I thought this would help, and that he would thank me, he didn't, and it didn't.
"I'm getting another fucking drink" he said, in that way that he usually says things after I have tried to help.
Martin came back from the toilets and flashed a ten pound note at Bruno, "I'll get these." he said, "It's my treat."
Martin had recently won some money through accident lawyers that you see advertised on the television. He had been wanking in his front room when a lorry crashed through the wall and crushed his legs, he was given five hundred thousand pounds, ironically it turned out that the lorry driver was wanking too, that's why he crashed.
Martin returned to the table with Bruno and began to quack on about how Bruno was a great person and that he would get the job no problem, I added that if the job was any good he could put in a word for me as I was very good at looking under things.
They both looked that way.
"I'm sure the job is yours mate" Martin kept saying every time there was a lull in the conversation, "Yea" said Bruno each time.
"I just hope they don't find out about your secrets" I said.
Bruno looked at me like I'd just said that out loud.
I sneaked into the office of Barnes, Jones and Taylor and crouched under the receptionist's desk. When the phone rang over my head I crawled into the corridor of offices behind her.
They were holding Bruno's interview in a large white room, I could see two men and a woman behind a desk, Bruno was in a chair in the middle of the room looking nervous, I decided to open the door slowly and crawl into the room like a snake, there was a plant in the corner that I could hide in.
I was approaching the plant pot when a voice appeared, "Can we help you?" said the woman in front of Bruno, I said the only thing I could think of saying at a time like this, I let them know that Bruno loves to watch and that he once spoon fed a hamster Ajax.
No one seemed impressed. I tried to snake out but a man grabbed me.
Bruno doesn't speak to me anymore.
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