White Teeth

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White Teeth
Why extensive dental work laughs in the face of the American Dream
21/12/08

It's long been a joke in America that British people generally have crooked and yellow teeth, in comparison to the typical affluent North American's unnaturally straight, white ones. I'm not sure why they have singled out the British for this criticism, as I am fairly sure that teeth are more or less the same the world over, except in America where they are, as I have mentioned, unnaturally white and straight. Perhaps I've only noticed the comments about the British? Perhaps they are actually laughing at the whole world for being different to them. That's like someone having a big penis growing out of their face and laughing at everyone else because they haven't. A bit like that. Yes.

Austin Powers is a prime example of American (and in this case Canadian but who's counting?) mockery of the British, but I'm pretty sure there was some comment about it in Arrested Development (in the cringingly awful 'British Eyes Only' episodes in the third series), and the main joke in Ricky Gervais' new film is that he's a dentist but he has terrible teeth (which I hadn't noticed). I've also had it mentioned to me by American people that I have met.

The quality of the American tooth comes at the price of performing highly expensive and often humiliating cosmetic surgery on children, and in my view is the equivalent of a face lift or a nose job, only done to a child. I've heard that some families have a 'dentistry fund' as well as a college fund for their kids. However it's not conceivable that all American families can afford to have this work done for their children, so it follows that an American from a poorer background will be stigmatised for life by having inferior teeth unless they become successful and rich enough to get their teeth 'fixed', their chances at all stages being affected by lack of access to a good quality education, and of course their telltale teeth, which must be an obvious giveaway to their social background. Americans have made it very clear that they do judge people by the quality of their teeth - you're either British or your poor, either way, get out! It can only be broadening the uncrossable divide between rich and poor which laughs in the face of the American Dream.

So basically they should get over it and shut up about our teeth, which are perfectly adequate for the task they were appointed for, thank you very much.

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Comments about This Article

Not sure... Up yours? Comment By: Dermot, 21 Jan 2009, Rating: 5/5

When are you going to update your blog Dermot? Comment By: Robert, 21 Jan 2009, Rating: 5/5

I'm so unhappy, I have no teeth and I can't extract my genitalia from my melted pants anymore. Comment By: Squashed Vader, 22 Dec 2008, Rating: 5/5

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