The Perfect Day

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The Perfect Day
Adventures In b.b.q.'ing
23/06/09

As I removed the manhole cover from my underground layer on Sunday the 21st of june 2009 I stood before a world free from the angst of day to day life. Today I didn’t have to talk to anyone I didn’t want to and nobody could use, abuse and mock me. Today All across the land and the very universe people coexisted in harmony. Even steven seagal had twittered that he was having a nice day on mount olympus and that all us mortals should take a leaf from his autobiography, (the bible) and do the same.

As I wandered into the garden I was greeted by the smokey tones of many a neighbours bbq, so I thought I’d have a stab at one. I prepared myself with my patented 5 step going out procedure and ventured out to the supermarket.

Step 1 - make sure comb over is in place and good as it’s ever going to get
Step 2 - inflate space hopper or lube up roller skates attached to bowling shoes
Step 3 - attach false moustache and/or comedy oversize mono-brow
Step 4- remember jaws of life for automatic door un-jamming procedure
Step 5 - put on sunglasses with only one lens like that bloke off Airwolf

After parking ‘the hopper’ up I ventured through the automatic doors of the scoopermarket making sure I passed through with another shopper as unfortunately automatic doors don’t recognise my presence.
Once in I only needed two things; some chicken and some bbq coals but unfortunately they’d run out of both. However, I did discover a large pile of bbq eco-fuel and some green chicken I found in the heavily reduced rack by 3½ new pence.

Once back and following the instructions precisely, I lit the bbq. Everything seemed well when I left it to get going but when I came back with the chicken I noticed the bbq was still cold. I spent the next two hours using and running out every flammable object in the house until I was reduced to using the citronella for the outside torch; still nothing, at it’s hottest point I could have used the coals to cool my pear cider, yet the flames they made were enough to singe my novelty oversize mono-brow.

Just another one of life’s many mysteries.

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Comments about This Article

It doesn't sound that perfect. Comment By: Barry Bramptons Big Book of BBQ'ing, 14 Aug 2009, Rating: 5/5

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