The Good Life ?

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The Good Life ?
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The Good Life ?

24/03/09

As the year progresses into it’s first quarter I’m pleased to say I have finally kept up a new years resolution. Setting my goal incredibly low and with a taste for the good life I decided to abandon such high hopes of; writing that novel, paring up mount sockerest and three other forms of personal hygiene. Instead; I decided to survive on mainly nothing but flumps and muesli. And I can report all is good; but I can’t help but imagine what my year would have been like if I hadn’t progressed with this King of all new year’s resolutions. The money I would have saved on trips to the supermarket and toilet paper would have paid for the ingredients to make one of Heston Blooming????s recipes of roast hummingbird and tennis ball pie. So; I’m happy with my decision.

On a heavier note, as I sit here listning to the sky tv menu music, wondering what shaped flump I'll extract next I can't help but wonder if the the decline of the 'scoopermarket', is in someway responsible for the Earth 1's current crisis. I recall wandering in for the first time in the late '80s, eyes filled with wonder and amazement as I shouted back into the street, "Everybody, it's just like that shop in the cinema where you get your own sweets". Popcorn, muesli, flumps, washing up powder, all loose in barrels waiting for you to scoop away, it was truly a golden age.
Maybe it's time we took the streets back; unboarded all those abandoned Woolworths stores in the town centres and filled them with barrels and small plastic shovels ready for a new golden age. Maybe I'll just crack open another bag of flumps and ignore the all too painful truth. . .

The All Too Painful Truth

Recently I awoke one spring 'morn, empty packet of flumps stuck to my face; when I noticed the ingredients. It simply read, 'Ingredients, dead flumps'. Schocked and slighty aroused I looked around my hovel for other empty bags of flumps. They all said the same thing, expecting the ingredients to list something along the lines of, 'Sugar and other things', this, and the after effects of last nights sugar rush took me on a three hour quest to the, 'Happy Flump Factory, unit b1, Magnum Industrial Park, Kidderminster'. I write in the address because you need to see this for yourselves; words cannot explain the horror I saw there.
So I leave this blog on your screen almost remotly in a mildly un-similar to Rorschach's diary way, in the hope that someone will one day expose the horror of where Flumps come from.

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Comments about This Article

Shame your article was 3 years ago as last we opened a shop called Scoopermarket in Alton, Hampshire. It is just as you described it with barrels of loose food and small plastic scoops to get the items you want. 6 months on and we are doing well, visit www.scoopermarket.co.uk for more information. Regards Comment By: David Amies, 13 Jan 2012, Rating: 5/5

I am pleased to be able to reassure the flump eating public that our flumps are lovingly reared in tiny cages, and when their time comes, each is happy to sacrifice his or herself for the greater good. The flumps are humanely boiled alive until they go pop. Comment By: Spokesman for Happy Flump Factory, 25 Mar 2009, Rating: 5/5

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