Visiting Earth ?

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Visiting Earth ?
from the leaflet, "An 8 page Guide to the Universe"
10/03/09

As my understanding lies; Earth (nice place, shame about the people), is in the middle of nowhere. It is of no interest to the rest of the universe and is so desperate for attention it’s primary species often claim of being abducted, probed and poked in various orifices by intergalactic beings with nothing better to do whilst concurrently ravaging their own planets natural resources and going round making crop circles and bumming yokels whilst claiming to be from outer space. In fact the last alien to visit Earth left a marker just outside it’s atmosphere warning anyone passing by not to land, with the following message attached :-

‘Warning: Do not land on this planet. If you do you will be taxed beyond any rational and logical means and will spend the next two years filling in health and safety forms if your space toaster fails a spot check. At which time you’ll become so evolutionary repressed you won’t even want to leave due to the substantial government handouts you receive as you start reproducing asexually which will enable you to spend your days watching heavily edited films on ITV or repeats of anything that’s just been shown an hour ago on Dave ja vu’ while your offspring go out and do 'crimes'. --
Gordon Schumway.

So Mr. and Mrs. Alien, if you go somewhere else on your hollidays you'll never find out the important things in life such as wether you prefer K9 or Turner and Hooch.

We don't even want you here.

We'd rather keep Lorne Green to ourselves (he's a K9 man). Yes, perhaps you can go to the water planet 'Io' in the Utopian nebula for a fraction of the price and achive pure zen and enlightenment but we've got t.v shows such as 'Beadles' 'bout and 'Deal or no Deal' where you get to watch odd people open boxes for 45 minutes.
It's okay though 'cos they know box number 8 holds all the dosh because their deceased great Uncle Cohagen came to them in a vision in the smoking hut round the back of the Pebble Mill at One studio in 1984 and said in a ghostley voice, "What's Emu doing now ?".

Well I'll tell you Mr. and Mr's. Alien tourist what Emu's doing now; He's in a dusty old cupboard with a cold bottom, which is where you'll be if turn up on this planet without the relavant paperwork.

Weekend trips to Earth available from Ł19 per tentacle.
Contact Lionel Blair for further details.

List of important Earthlings -

Lionel Blair - He's a K9 man
Ronny Cox - He's a K9 man
Arnold Vosloo - He's a Turner and Hooch man
Lou Ferrigno - He's a K9 man
James Belushi - He's a Turner and Hooch man
Tom Hanks - He's a K911 man
Santino the stone throwing chimp, (prior to castration) - K9
Santino the chimp, (after castration) - Turner and Hooch

End transmission.

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Comments about This Article

Cop and a half stunk out my pants like a rotten turd. It did buy me a team of first class wigmakers. P.s. I'm a K9 man; (and what a man. A mans man) oh yeah. Comment By: Burt Reynolds, 12 Mar 2009, Rating: 5/5

I haven't seen K9 so by default I like it more than Turner & Hooch which has sucked away part of my valuable life-time. Is K9 a robot dog? If not it should be. Have these important Earthlings been asked what is their favourite coupling of cop & child (not like that) or cop & criminal (like that, if you want)? Comment By: Arnie, 12 Mar 2009, Rating: 5/5

I'm a Top Dog man Comment By: Chuck Norris, 10 Mar 2009, Rating: 3/5

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