Oddie Watch

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Oddie Watch

02/02/10

I like this time of year. Everyday brings another unpredictable weather condition and ill stranger in close proximity to pass on their sneezonal cheer.
It's also a time for new beginnings. Before we know it, daffodils will be poking their heads through the ground to the sound of randy little birds' going at it like a 1970's porno vhs cassette on fast foreword, and the BBC will be preparing their gentle yet aggressive seasonal wildlife programmes.
One such programme I look foreword to but mostly forget it's on is 'springwatch'.
If you're not familiar with springwatch, it's a semi-live show hosted by a group of nicely smug people giving us a look into the likes of Bill Baileys tit box, (I think a better title than Bill Baileys Birdwatching Bonanza); and the fox that lives at the bottom of Malcolm McDowell’s back garden: not an intense look into the suspension system of a 1968 Vauxhall Caprice 1300cc with tartan interior, as you may have first thought.
In it's infancy, this televisual snack was hosted by our old friend, ‘The Oddie‘; but in recent years the Oddie has been confined to a ever decreasing framed picture on the back wall of birdwatching Headquarters, whilst a couple of yuppies have nested in it’s place.

So this year I’d like to introduce you to a new programme called, ‘Oddie Watch’. However unlike other tv shows this one will be confined to a blog and your imagination. On the up side, there are no advertisements, no licence fees to pay and you don’t need a telly to watch it.
The Oddie Watch season takes place between February the 9th and March the 14th. During Oddie spotting season you are encouraged to trespass anywhere you see fit in search of the elusive Oddie. The ideal tools for the job are a huge pair of binoculars, Oddie camouflage (see mask above for you to cut out and keep), a carrier bag preferably from Tandy or Rumbalows and an Oddie whistle*, (as Oddie whistles are not yet available, instructions for construction are included at the end of this programme)
The next stage is to wander the woodlands, gardens and living rooms of Britain using the Oddie call as much as humanly possibly, eventually leading you to it’s nest. If you’re lucky enough to find the Oddie nesting at this time you may hear it returning your call. Listen carefully to it’s call and ignore it’s warnings as you proceed to steal it’s eggs and pluck it’s feathers whilst polishing vim into it’s beak. Then it only remains to shove the Oddie in your carrier bag, return home and mount it on your living room wall, perhaps above the fireplace or settee. If you’re a Viking you may wish to eat and stuff the Oddie first, (being careful not to choke on its beard)
This should nicely take us to the end of the season and between us we should have culled the population down to just one. This will give the Oddie almost ten months to repopulate it’s species before Oddie Watch begins all over again.
Thank you and Goodnight.

*To construct your own Oddie whistle, make some cardboard by blending some carbon and hydrogen together. Form it into a tube and then accurately recreate the Oddie call by yelling, ‘wanker’ through the tube and into the face of any Oddie you spot.

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Comments about This Article

I am depressed you know. I also wrote the song, "They, they, they, they, they, they'll never believe it!!" from the 1982 Goodies episode "Big Foot". Comment By: Bill Oddie, 03 Feb 2010, Rating: 5/5

Thank you for your question. In answer, yes it is wise to set the stolen sony cube alarm clock earlier during oddie season. However, it can only be heard at an unknown location around Pontefract. The police have a full description of the sony cube wake up centre and a heavily censored pictogram to aid in its recovery. I hope it comes home soon and takes its place on the table over the cube shaped layer of dust where it belongs. Comment By: lego indiana jones, 03 Feb 2010, Rating: 5/5

Is it wise to set the white sony cube alarm clock earlier than usual before it goes missing? Comment By: muttongeoff, 03 Feb 2010, Rating: 5/5

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