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Baby, You're A Ritchie Man
And a twat.
21/05/09
I remember people at work talking about it in 1998. They were going mad for it. They all burst out into mockney over it. The soundtrack played in every pub. People started giving nicknames to each other like Steve Sandwich face or Tommy Two Nuts or Danny Do-What. It is thanks to this film that you cant say "It's a deal" without the inevitable backlash.

I of course refer to Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels. With this film, Guy Ritchie invented the cockney gangster film. And I hate him for it. I shake my fist at his output like an old man who has seen a pesky child.

On first viewing "Lock Stock", I did enjoy it, but, it was only because it was new and fresh, in much the same way I enjoyed Clerks, but now cant stand the way Kevin Smith writes dialogue.

Snatch was next. This film is actually unwatchable to me. It is like one long stream of poo-piss.

Guy Ritchie is the master of awful dialogue. He makes Kevin Smith look like David Mamet. Every thing everyone says is a monologue and when it isnt a monologue, it is repeated sarcasm, and when it isnt repeated sarcasm, it is something a normal person would never, ever say or it is some sort of bad mockney catchphrase that is awkwardly crow barred in. I offer you some examples:

Avi: Tony.
Bullet Tooth Tony: What?
Avi: Look in the dog.
Bullet Tooth Tony: What do you mean "look in the dog?"
Avi: I mean open him up.
Bullet Tooth Tony: It's not as if it's a tin of baked beans! What do you mean "open him up"?

Sol: What the fuck is that?
Vinny: Heh heh. This is a shotgun, Sol.
Sol: It's a fucking anti-aircraft gun, Vincent.
Vinny: Well I wanna raise some pulses, don't I?
Sol: You'll raise Hell. Never mind pulses.

Nick the Greek: Dunno. Seems expensive.
Tom: Seems? Well, this seems to be a complete waste of my time. That, my friend, is 900 nicker in any store you're lucky enough to find one in. And you're haggling over 200 pound? What school of finance did you come from Nick? "It's a deal, it's a steal, it's the Sale of the fucking Century!" In fact, fuck it Nick, I think I'll keep it!
Nick the Greek: All right all right, keep your Alans on!
[Peels off notes from his wad]
Nick the Greek: Here's a ton.
Tom, Eddie: Jesus Christ!
Eddie: You could choke a dozen donkeys on that! And you're haggling over one hundred pound? What're you doing when you're not buying stereos Nick? Finance revolutions?
Nick the Greek: 100 pound is still 100 pound.
Tom: Not when the price is 200 pound it ain't! And certainly not when you've got Liberia's deficit in your skyrocket. Tighter than a duck's butt you are. Now, lemme feel the fibre of your fabric.

Avi: Eighty-six carats.
Rosebud: Where?
Avi: London.
Rosebud: London?
Avi: London.
Avi's Colleague: London?
Avi: Yes, London. You know: fish, chips, cup 'o tea, bad food, worse weather, Mary fucking Poppins... LONDON.

Eddie: They're armed.
Soap: What was that? Armed? What do you mean armed? Armed with what?
Eddie: Err, bad breath, colorful language, feather duster... what do you think they're gonna be armed with? Guns, you tit!

Brick Top: You're always gonna have problems lifting a body in one piece. Apparently the best thing to do is cut up a corpse into six pieces and pile it all together.
Sol: Would someone mind telling me, who are you?
Brick Top: And when you got your six pieces, you gotta get rid of them, because it's no good leaving it in the deep freeze for your mum to discover, now is it? Then I hear the best thing to do is feed them to pigs. You got to starve the pigs for a few days, then the sight of a chopped-up body will look like curry to a pisshead. You gotta shave the heads of your victims, and pull the teeth out for the sake of the piggies' digestion. You could do this afterwards, of course, but you don't want to go sievin' through pig shit, now do you? They will go through bone like butter. You need at least sixteen pigs to finish the job in one sitting, so be wary of any man who keeps a pig farm. They will go through a body that weighs 200 pounds in about eight minutes. That means that a single pig can consume two pounds of uncooked flesh every minute. Hence the expression, "as greedy as a pig".

Now, isnt this the sort of thing you hear people saying every day? It is interminable to watch for me now. To hear grown men speaking like that is just like fingers on the black board to me.

Lucky for the world, Ritchie's crest of a wave hit a desert island of shit in 2002, when he directed his wife in a horrible film called Swept Away. So bad, it went straight to video in this country. Oh, how we all laughed.

In 2005, he followed these works of art with "Revolver" and my good lord, this is the most insane film I have ever seen. It makes no sense and attempts to be pretentious at ever turn. Wikipedia says -

It centres on a revenge-seeking confidence trickster whose weapon is a universal formula that guarantees victory to its user, when applied to any game or confidence trick. Guy Ritchie was, during the time of conceiving and executing the film, known to be involved in the philosophy and practice of a form of mysticism known as Kabbalah.[3] The film itself is laced with references to Kabbalic ideas, symbols and numerological references.[4]

The trinity of Zach, Jake and Avi are representative of Kabbalic right, center and left pillar energies, respectively. Avi is a Black man who is somewhat effeminate in his physical appearance, clothing and mannerisms. The 'left pillar' or 'left column' in Kabbalic traditions is often associated with 'the feminine' and with the colour black. Jake's surname is "Green", and the colour green is associated with the central column or pillar in Kabbalic traditions. Zach is a hefty, gargantuan, white man who 'dresses down' in a very archetypically 'masculine' way. Both masculinity and the colour white are associated with right column or right pillar energies in Kabbalic traditions.[5][6]

The trinity of characters are named after the Patriarchs. Avi [short for Abraham], Zach [short for Isaac] and Jake [short for Jacob].

The number 32 comes up repeatedly. "The chess game has many mystical meanings. The Temple of Solomon was chequered like a chess board, which has 64 squares and 32 pieces."[7] The elevator that Jake enters near the end of the movie has buttons for 32 floors. In numerology, its 'opposite' is said to be the number 23, which is commonly associated with 'The 23 Enigma' (which is the idea that everything in the observed universe is somehow related to the number 23).[8] In the Kabbalah the number 13 represents the year where a child becomes a man and thus Jake was stuck on the 13 floor when he finally understood.

Or, in other words, utter fucking bollocks from start to finish. This film , like many of Guy Ritchie's films, is all style and absolutely no substance. It is a dog turd of a film and any movie studio in their right mind would never let him work again.

So, naturally, in 2008, Ritchie was given money to make another. He returned to his roots of making films about cockney gangsters and made "Rocknrolla."

Now, I havent seen Rocknrolla. I dont want to see Rocknrolla. I suspect that when it is on Sky one day, I will probably watch it and tut for 30 minutes and then probably turn it off. I have my suspicions that it is fucking shite. The trailer didn't fill me with much hope, when I heard this wonderful piece of dialogue -

Archie: People ask the question... what's a RocknRolla? And I tell 'em - it's not about drums, drugs, and hospital drips, oh no. There's more there than that, my friend. We all like a bit of the good life - some the money, some the drugs, other the sex game, the glamour, or the fame. But a RocknRolla, oh, he's different. Why? Because a real RocknRolla wants the fucking lot

Guy, sorry, just wanted to ask. What is a Rocknrolla? Oh, I see. Right. I though it was about drums, drugs and hospital drips. Silly me. Turns out it's about wanting the lot. Sounds more to me like Alan Sugar or Peter Jones. Maybe he should change the title of the film from "Rocknrolla" to "Alan Sugar" or "Dragons Den."

Now, Guy Ritchie has made "Sherlock Holmes."

Now, we all know Sherlock Holmes. Wikipedia says -

Sherlock Holmes is a fictional character of the late nineteenth and early twentieth centuries who first appeared in publication in 1887. He is the creation of Scottish-born author and physician Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. A brilliant London-based "consulting detective", Holmes is famous for his intellectual prowess, and is renowned for his skilful use of astute observation, inductive reasoning and inference to solve difficult cases. In virtually all of his appearances, he is portrayed as the protagonist.

So, how could Ritchie get it wrong you say? Well, just watch the trailer. Within five minutes he has Sherlock Holmes bare knuckle fighting in super slo-mo, explosions and more fights. I have looked every where and I cant find a mention of Sherlock Holmes fighting in slo-mo in the original Conan-Doyle stories.

There have been many stories about Ritchie having to re-shoot large sections of the film and one rumour that he had to reshoot the whole thing. Either way, it looks shit, which is a shame.

I like Robert Downey Jr. I like him allot, but I think he is wrong for this part, particularly wearing stupid sunglasses and a hat. He looks more like Dr. Who than Sherlock Holmes. Why not cast an English actor? We have quite a few who seem to be doing well in Hollywood at the moment, dont we? I just dont understand. If an English film company made a film about Nero Wolfe and cast Nicholas Lyndhurst, I think most Americans would be a bit confused. Whilst I appreciate that Downey Jr. is highly adept at the English accent, you only have to see Chaplin to realise this. I feel that a part like Sherlock Holmes should really be played by an English actor. But that is just my opinion.

This is how I imagined the dialogue will take place in this film -

Watson: Aaaah nah, you aint still playing that violin are ya?

Holmes : Well, it aint exactly a packet of peanuts is it?

Watson : I didn't say it was a packet of peanuts you doughnut!

Holmes : Do I look like the kind'a bloke that thinks you would think I was playing a packet of peanuts?

Watson : Do I look like the kind'a bloke that thinks you would think that the kind of bloke that thinks that you were playing a packet of peanuts?

Holmes : How long are those sausages gonna cook for?

Watson : 5 minutes

Holmes: 5 minutes? It was 5 minutes 10 minutes ago?

Watson: Well, they aint exactly a packet of peanuts are they?

Holmes: Do I look like the kind of bloke that thinks a sausage is a packet of peanuts?
Watson : Do what?

Holmes : The problem with you is, you're a rocknrolla.

Watson : Well, I aint exactly a packet of peanuts am I?

Holmes : Fackin hell.

Watson : Let's play chess

Holmes : We are playing chess!

Watson : Is this your rook?

Holmes : Yea, is this your bishop?

Watson : Well, it aint exactly a packet of peanuts is it?

Holmes : Do I look like the kind of cant that would think you had a packet of peanuts?

Watson : Fackin 'ell.

So, Guy Ritchie continues his march on the senses. He continues to say 500 words instead of 10 and continues to annoy and irritate. Thank god someone continues to give him money.

I will avoid Sherlock Holmes, but I will watch it if Gene Wilder has a cameo as his smarter brother.

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Comments about This Article
And he's over rated too!
Comment By: Snake Blisken, 22 May 2009, Rating: 5/5
Guy Ritchie is Britains Tarantino.
Comment By: Jack, 22 May 2009, Rating: 1/5
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