Go to Lego's Blog
Go to Dermot's Blog

Subscribe
Follow
Someone Else Holding the Baby Blues
11/01/12 Average Rating: 2.7 out of 5
Back to the Future Too
30/12/11
Untold Cooper
29/12/11 Average Rating: 4 out of 5
A British Defence Against America
08/12/11
Not So Marvellous
07/12/11 Average Rating: 3 out of 5
We need to talk about Gervais
19/10/11 Average Rating: 4 out of 5
A Quarter Life Crisis
06/10/11 Average Rating: 4 out of 5
Confessions of a Dangerous Mind
05/10/11 Average Rating: 3.5 out of 5
An open letter to George Lucas.
01/09/11
Burn Hollywood Burn
19/07/11
The Apprenticed
18/07/11
In Praise of ITV
03/07/11
Sick
28/06/11
Know the Drill
03/06/11
Modern Cinemas are Rubbish
02/06/11 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
My Tooth Story
26/05/11
Game of PWNS
24/05/11 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
West is West
19/05/11 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
Crime Crime Crime
17/05/11
The Bored Room
11/05/11 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
The Future Shock
09/05/11
The Worm That Eats Itself
06/05/11 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
The Life Atwatic
24/04/11
Driving Like A Dick
17/04/11 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
A Penny For My Thoughts
27/03/11 Average Rating: 2 out of 5
The Needle and the Damage Done
23/03/11 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
The Meaning of Life Part 1 : Birth
16/03/11 Average Rating: 3 out of 5
10 O Clock Dive
21/01/11 Average Rating: 4.3 out of 5
Falling off of the Witches Hat
19/01/11 Average Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Small Talk
18/01/11 Average Rating: 4.8 out of 5
The Waiting Game
13/01/11 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
2011
05/01/11 Average Rating: 2 out of 5
2010
31/12/10 Average Rating: 4.8 out of 5
Police Stop
30/12/10 Average Rating: 4.4 out of 5
Z Cast
29/12/10 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
The Crazy Adventures of Bastian and Atreyu
09/12/10
A note to my son or daughter.
08/12/10 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
Baby I can drive your car
22/10/10 Average Rating: 4.3 out of 5
A Good Society
10/09/10
The National Sport of Rubbernecking
09/09/10 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
Scanners 2
08/09/10
What mean Expendable?
07/09/10 Average Rating: 4.3 out of 5
Adventures in Babyhaving
06/09/10 Average Rating: 0 out of 5
Warning : Speculation
12/07/10 Average Rating: 4.4 out of 5
Adventures in driving
07/07/10 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...
05/07/10 Average Rating: 4 out of 5
Pipe Up
23/04/10 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
More Bard News
21/04/10 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
Volcanoes and Elections
20/04/10 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
Grumpy Old Deathwish
29/03/10
The Apple
27/03/10 Average Rating: 2 out of 5
1987
26/03/10 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
The Long Bad Wednesday
25/03/10
Art for Art's Sake
23/03/10 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
Modern Slash
22/03/10 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
A Little Bit 'Special'
16/03/10 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
Dead Happy
05/03/10 Average Rating: 3.3 out of 5
Video Killed The Radio Stars
03/03/10 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
Sunday Zoo
01/03/10
Im Flugzeug
20/02/10 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
Radio Times
17/02/10 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
Intellectual Property
16/02/10
Happy Loveday
15/02/10
A Load of Pony
25/01/10
I Want To Lie Down With A Lion
18/01/10 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
'You Lecherous Moron'
17/01/10 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
A National Treasure
15/01/10 Average Rating: 1 out of 5
Snow
13/01/10 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
Friday The 13th
12/01/10 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
Steaks are High
11/01/10 Average Rating: 4.2 out of 5
Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em
16/11/09 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
BBC Bashing
10/11/09 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
Kenny Effing Powers!
09/11/09
No More Heroes
06/11/09 Average Rating: 3.7 out of 5
What I Did In My Holidays
04/11/09
Jellyneck
22/09/09 Average Rating: 3 out of 5
Can Buy Me Love
10/09/09
Memory Lane
27/08/09 Average Rating: 4 out of 5
Shitting Stars
26/08/09
The Life and Death of My Pop Star Life
25/08/09 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
Are You Being Offended?
24/08/09 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
My Generation
14/08/09 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
Home Alone 2 : Lost In 1939-1945
12/08/09 Average Rating: 4 out of 5
Home Alone
29/07/09 Average Rating: 3 out of 5
Context
28/07/09 Average Rating: 2.7 out of 5
Summer is a bummer
27/07/09 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
Time Waster
26/07/09 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
Yes, but how did it Happen??
25/07/09
He Must Have Some Agent
24/07/09 Average Rating: 3.8 out of 5
Day 2
23/07/09 Average Rating: 4.3 out of 5
A New Morning
22/07/09 Average Rating: 4.1 out of 5
The Sadness
21/07/09
Who Punishes The Punisher?
17/07/09 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
The New Blog
09/07/09 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
Baby, You're A Ritchie Man
21/05/09 Average Rating: 3 out of 5
An Englishman's Home Is His Castle
20/05/09 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
The Return
05/05/09 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
Double Trouble
06/04/09
It's The End Of The World As I Know It
05/04/09 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
Not Good Enough
30/03/09 Average Rating: 3 out of 5
Picture This
24/03/09 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
Size Matters
22/03/09 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
The Death of Mother Tongue
19/03/09 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
I Am Modern Man
18/03/09 Average Rating: 4.6 out of 5
Not Ready
16/03/09 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
Watched
10/03/09 Average Rating: 4 out of 5
Wired
08/03/09
The Running Man
26/02/09 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
Run, Fatboy, Run
25/02/09 Average Rating: 4.7 out of 5
Absent Friends
09/02/09 Average Rating: 4.8 out of 5
Snow Wonder
02/02/09 Average Rating: 4.2 out of 5
A New Breed of Hero
21/01/09 Average Rating: 4.2 out of 5
You Be The Judge
20/01/09 Average Rating: 3.7 out of 5
Take Hart
18/01/09 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
What's In A Name?
17/01/09 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
Don't Remake Me Over
16/01/09 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
Random Fluctuations In The Space Time Continuum!
08/01/09 Average Rating: 3.8 out of 5
The Future Is Already Written
07/01/09
The Shortest Story Ever Told
06/01/09
Demon Seed
03/01/09 Average Rating: 4.5 out of 5
2008
30/12/08 Average Rating: 4 out of 5
What's Cooking?
29/12/08 Average Rating: 3.8 out of 5
A Feel Good Story
21/12/08 Average Rating: 4 out of 5
The Curse
19/12/08 Average Rating: 1.8 out of 5
He's Not The Messiah!
15/12/08 Average Rating: 4 out of 5
Who throws a shoe?
14/12/08
Sneaky Christmas
10/12/08
Feeling Blu
09/12/08 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
SHT
07/12/08
Gategate
02/12/08 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
Comedy of Errors
30/11/08 Average Rating: 3.7 out of 5
For What It's Worth
27/11/08 Average Rating: 2 out of 5
Alan Partridge and Other Less Successful Characters
23/11/08
National Expression
20/11/08 Average Rating: 3 out of 5
A View To A Job
18/11/08 Average Rating: 1 out of 5
Last Bus Gone
17/11/08 Average Rating: 4.1 out of 5
Jungle Nobodies
12/11/08 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
The Cage Strain
11/11/08
A Common Practice In Poland
07/11/08 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
Close Encounters of the West Country Kind
06/11/08 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
David Brent Would Vote For Barack Obama
05/11/08 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
I am Legend
04/11/08 Average Rating: 4 out of 5
Setting The President In The Art World
03/11/08 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
My Word Is My Bond
02/11/08
Modern Cinemas are Rubbish
The Lone Ranger
02/06/11
There is nothing more annoying than film companies moaning about how piracy and DVD are killing the cinema experience. It annoys me endlessly. If they spent more time actually improving the cinema experience, and less time moaning, we may have a compromise and meet in the middle. You never know people may start enjoying going to the cinema and come back for more.

When I was young, cinemas cared. You could buy a programme to accompany your film (I remember buying one when I saw Return of the Jedi) and ushers that would actually tell people to be quiet and actually give a shit about people who want to watch a film in peace and quiet. Over all it was the unique experience that film companies keep banging on about. A trip to the cinema for me when I was 9 was equal with a trip to the fair or a trip to London. Exciting, dazzling and magic.

Today, staff at the cinema are only there to take your money. Whether it be from your ticket, or for your sweets or popcorn. After that, you are on your own. If someone is talking throughout the film, or using their phone, or mucking about generally, it is well and truly up to you to sort it out. I suppose that is why we pay so much to go to the cinema these days, we are paying to see the film and for the unique experience of being stressed and irritated. I have been in cinemas in which you hand your ticket to the usher, who stands at a pretend podium in the middle of the walkway, and then once you pass them you could wander into any screen, with absolutely no one to stop you. Once I entered the screen in which my film was showing, it had kids inside running around - the film I was seeing was a 15. Why is this allowed to happen?

Can you imagine any other business being run in this way? It would be like going to a pub, getting past the bouncers to then find that there are no bar staff and that you have to get your own drinks and chuck out any rowdy customers yourself. As a business model it isn't exactly sustainable. Alan "Shoog" Sugar would not be impressed.

Yet, cinemas are in a unique position - they have something people want, but do not care about the people they serve.

I was in love with the cinema for many years. I would go at least twice a month, sometimes once a week. Today, I would much rather wait until the film comes out on Blu Ray, at least that way I know I can enjoy the film and concentrate, without having to worry about someone talking all the way through it. If I wanted to recreate a modern cinema experience at home, I will simply invite some kids from the local estate to come round and chat while kicking my chair while the film ticks along.

It's the mindless selfishness that annoys me most. If you want to chat while some pictures play out that you are barely interested in, throw £10 down a drain and go and sit at the window of Dixons and do it. Spare a thought for the room full of people that have each paid money to watch and enjoy a film. You utter contemptible bell-ends.

Do I miss the experience of going to the cinema? Yes. I am nostalgic for that feeling of wonderment and magic which has now been robbed from me. A modern cinema experience for me is rife with pain, suffering and anguish and something I never ever look forward to. If the cinemas are going to continue to fleece us for £10 at a time, I suggest they start to pretend that they give a solitary shit about their customers and put something in place to make the experience as painless and enjoyable as possible.

There is a first time for everything and last night I went to the cinema on my own. I went to see X:Men- First Class (my review is up at www.culturedeluxe.com). I have decided to stop giving my money to any of the multiplex chains and instead give my coin to my local, friendly cinema - the Worthing Dome. I cannot say enough good things about this cinema. The ambience is lovely, the decor is stunning (preserved since 1921) and the prices are staggering. My ticket was £6, my large Coke was £2 and my packet of peanut M&M's was £2. So that's £10 - all in. At a shitty multiplex, you would spend £10 before you even get to the sweets. This is why we should all support our local, little cinemas. They care. They care enough to make your experience memorable and enjoyable. They have souls and they have life. They don't all look the same and they certainly don't try and get as much money out of you as possible, and even if they did, I wouldn't mind as much.

I was surprised at just how quickly (and easily) I slotted into the lone eccentric role. I made the terrible error of arriving half an hour early and then buying my drink and treats. Thus locking me in the lobby. There could be no walking up the street to kill time. Instead I was stuck, sat in the corner on a couch, on my own, with half an hour to kill. Luckily I was able to tweet endlessly and try and bring Twitter down to my level of boredom. Happy times.

In conclusion, modern cinemas are rubbish, little cinemas are brilliant. People are still morons.

Follow Ted (MrJohnRain) on Twitter
Comments about This Article
I can honestly say that having been attending the cinema since 1981, I have only had the experience ruined by idiots once, but I appreciate that I may be lucky in this regard.

You're certainly right about it losing its magic though, but maybe that's just me getting old. That said, some of the magic has now returned since I started taking my lad to the cinema. He loves it, and of course he doesn't know any different in terms of the experience, so these visits will be the memories he cherishes.
Comment By: Richard Price, 13 Oct 2011, Rating: 5/5
Yes, I went to the odeon in Brighton yesterday and the volume was far too loud. Stupid odeon.
Comment By: totty, 03 Jun 2011, Rating: 5/5
Couldn't agree more, how dare they complain about poor ticket sales when their only response to people talking is to turn up the volume of the film to what must surely be encroaching on a damaging decibel level.
Comment By: @mrsnicolarain, partner in curmudgeonry , 02 Jun 2011, Rating: 5/5
Comment on This Article
 Your comment will be added automatically once you click on submit.
Your name:
Comment:
Overall Rating out of Five:
ZeroOneTwoThreeFourFive

HOBO-BONOBO.co.uk
Back to Index Page | What's New | Search | Links | Link to Us | Feedback | Contact Us | Site Map
The opinions expressed on Hobo-Bonobo.co.uk are not those of anyone, particularly not the people to whom they have been accredited.
The content of the site is intended to be humourous, and is not intended to offend anyone.