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What mean Expendable?
A sort of review
07/09/10
Have you ever been to a South American island? Have you noticed that the General running it is corrupt? Have you noticed that the American government have got a bit too involved in the running of it? Have you noticed that the people of this island are being made to suffer? Then what you need is The Expendables. Yes, I cant think of any situation more suitable for an elderly man who can barely speak, is covered in penis like veins and has the appearance of an OAP running for a bus when he moves. A bald guy who grunts and likes knives would also be useful. The guy with the funny ear (that is all he seems to have as a weapon) would be good, the guy who likes blowing everything up (even a stationary van) could help and lastly, the little oriental guy who is there to be ridiculed should come too.

As far as I can gather from the plot, The Expendables is the story of a crack team of mercenaries who seem to be able to go wherever they want in their giant plane and blow everything and everyone up. They are hired by Bruce Willis (who also mumbles) to take down a South American General. It is formulaic at best, lazy at worst and if it is indeed a tribute to the action films of the 1980s, it is at the very low end. In fact, it reminded me of the DTV film from the 80s that probably starred Michael Dudikoff or Cynthia Rothrock. It felt very slap dash. Even it's stars couldn't really sell it, Dolph Lundgren said, "It's an old-school, kick-ass action movie where people are fighting with knives and shooting at each other." That is basically it in a nut shell. While I can't argue with that statement, the fact remains that I would take American Ninja, Commando, Die Hard, Dark Angel or Cobra over The Expendables any day.

It just doesn't have the charm of what it is aiming for. It doesn't have the playfulness of the 80s action movies. It doesn't have the knowing cynicism of the 90s action movies. It is a new animal, a wooden action film with no heart. I think people may be caught up in the excitement of seeing Stallone et al in a new action film and not stopping to think that the assembled cast are given very little to actually do. Lundgren may as well not be in it (and at times when he speaks the terrible dialogue he is given you wish he wasn't) and Jet Li could be played by Burt Kwock he does so little. Which is a shame as he is Jet Li! For crying out loud, he is an actual martial arts star who can kick a rock off of a mountain and he seems to spend most of the film being ridiculed about his size and moaning. Never mind the fact that his character's name is Yin-Yang. Stallone must have been up all night thinking of that one.

The character names are terrible as well, Lee Christmas, Barney Ross, Toll Road and Hale Caesar? Watching this film is like pretending Team America and Macruber never happened. The only character with an apt name is Tool, played by Mickey Rourke.

The scenes with Mickey Rourke are just downright painful to watch. Any scene in which a man is supposed to be credible whilst wearing an oversized cowboy hat, wearing a leather vest and smoking a Gandalf style long curved pipe is fighting a losing battle. I was hoping that during his "emotional" scene in which he recants the horrors of war, lawyers working on behalf of the estate of J.R.R.Tolkien would arrive and issue a cease and desist order removing the pipe in the process. Perhaps returning it from whence it came.

The action in the film works at times, but suffers from the same problems as Stallone's recent Rambo film, being far too overly comic-visceral (and adding bad CGI bullet holes). When someone is shot with a shot gun, you dont really expect to see them blown in half. Whilst this may happen in life from time to time, within the context of an action film it does seem rather silly. When body parts fly around within action films it only serves to remind me of the "Salad Days" sketch from Monty Python (seek it out on You Tube). It is also moronic. The end set piece actually has one of the team wandering around with a giant shot gun blowing up everything that had the gaul to exist. From vans to poles to sandbags to people, everything was blown up. There is even a moment in which our crack team blow up the very building they are hiding in, and when I say blow up, I mean nuke. They walk out fine though.

There are clichés left right and centre, from Statham being lovesick only to find his girl has moved on to be with a man that hits her, to Stallone's character falling in love immediately (as he has a track record of doing - First Blood pt 2, Rambo 4) and car chases appearing apropos of nothing. In fact according to Wikipedia, "there were three customized 1955 Ford F100s for Sylvester Stallone for the film. One was built for a crash scene, the second for green screen and the third for Stallone to keep". Yea, so build three, then I can have one. That is money well spent.

There are some good moments, some nice little directing touches such as Stallone flipping on to his side to shoot from another angle and the camera doing the same, but they are few and far between.

Stallone has plans for a sequel, "I have an idea ready to go, I'm going to try to do something that's quite radical". A skateboarding based sequel perhaps?

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Comments about This Article
Huv wuv wuv wuvor my mom will shoot.
Comment By: The Sly Stallone, 08 Sep 2010, Rating: 3/5
Yes, MUCH better than the A Team. Agreed there.
Comment By: @MrJohnRain, 07 Sep 2010, Rating: 5/5
Yeah it was no classic like Commando. And if they were so Expendable, why didn't any of them bite the bullet? Maybe Stallone just had his tongue in his cheek. Agreed Li was a huge waste of time / talent. I enjoyed it more than The A-Team though!
Comment By: @johnneyred, 07 Sep 2010, Rating: 5/5
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