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Modern Cinemas are Rubbish
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Art for Art's Sake
So it would seem
23/03/10
Everyone has their own idea of what art is.

Me myself, I went to Art college, I like to think I know what art is, or at the very least, I know what I like.

I don't think Tracey Emin does art. I think she is a bit of a hack. Personally, I would have love to have submitted my final project at college as my own bed covered in fag packets and used johnnies. I am sure my tutor would have loved that. He would have declared me a genius. I am very sure about that. As sure as I am that almost immediately afterwards, in a state of euphoria, he would have begun to shit money from his anus like some kind of high powered one armed bandit. Both events would have been as likely as the other in my opinion.

But Emin, she is able to present that as a "work of art". If that is indeed to be deemed as art, then I seem to have spent my whole teenage years, unbeknownst to myself, creating such works of art every morning. What a genius I actually am. It turns out.

Anyway, the point of my writing today, is that I watched the obviously unintentionally hilarious David Dimbleby programme "The Seven Ages of Britain".

Dimbleby, was focusing on modern art and modern artists. It was a very interesting documentary, examining what makes the modern artists tick and how they are "challenging" our world views. There were some really interesting pieces in there, for instance, Anish Kapoor's "wax cannon". In which, Kapoor would load a giant cannon with red wax "shells" and fire them at a corner of the room. The shell would then stick to the wall, and begin to slowly slide down and join the other spent shells in a giant red pile of goo with surrounding walls sprayed with red. The whole picture resembled a wonderfully strange horror film or an explosion in an abattoir.

Anyway, the part of the programme that was hilariously funny, was when Dimbleby entered the studio of Tracey Emin.

Dimbleby and Emin began by discussing how empowered women are these days. Since the 1970s and the feminist movement, women are able to portray and celebrate their sexuality in an artistic way. She then asked Dimbleby if he would like to see her latest work. He seemed excited by this prospect and indeed honoured.

Emin turned off the lights and turned on her projector. Her latest piece of art had begun. It was a crudely drawn animation of a woman masturbating over and over again in a loop. Dimbleby stood, aghast and open mouthed. You could see the blood drain from his face. There then followed an exchange of dialogue that had me in stitches.

Emin - "It's a woman masturbating..."

Dimbleby - "......................So it would seem..........."

A few moments of silence followed

Dimbleby - "........It reminds me of a flick book we used to do at school.....except mine had chaps jumping hurdles...."

If very crudely drawn pictures of genitals are art, then the condom machine in a pub in Brighton must be seen also. It has a fine cock and balls drawn on it with marker pen. The artist has even taken the time to draw a selection of hairs sprouting from the balls and some spunk shooting from the crown. A modern masterpiece.

My obsession with Masterchef seems to be gaining momentum. I am obsessed with the way Gregg and John talk. They are my new heroes. I do so love obsessing on mediocre television presenters. Especially when they have such odd quirks.

Gregg has a wonderful smirk whenever anyone mentions their ambition in life. He also seems to feel that the world owes him a sauce.

John, on the other hand, likes to dress like he is on Eurotrash and has a wonderful nodding accepting dog look when hearing a contestants background and motivations. He also has a wonderful way of saying, "From your pork...to your....pudding" That always makes me chuckle.

Viva mediocre.

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Comments about This Article
I think art critics need to separate the concept of 'making a statement' from 'art'. Tracy Emin wants to confront people with stark images of female sexuality, her point being that it is still a taboo subject. Fair enough Tracy, just write it down, like I just did. Then people can read it and understand your point, instead of marvelling over how you make a living out of rubbing it in people's faces that you are a bit of a slag. Calling a woman a slag because she has sex a lot is exactly what she's talking about, of course. She's probably a virgin anyway. Incidentally if Damien Hurst started creating 'art' about all the women he's mated with, I wouldn't shake his hand and call him a stud. I'd just continue to question his ability to create art. Think on that, Emin.
Comment By: Dermot, 25 Mar 2010, Rating: 5/5
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