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Back to the Future Too
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Untold Cooper
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Not So Marvellous
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An open letter to George Lucas.
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Burn Hollywood Burn
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The Apprenticed
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In Praise of ITV
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Sick
28/06/11
Know the Drill
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Modern Cinemas are Rubbish
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09/12/10
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Modern Slash
Why bother?
22/03/10
Remakes aren't a new thing. They have always been around.

But, unnecessary remakes are, and they should really stop now.

On Friday night, being the rock and roller I am, I watched the recent pointless Platinum Dune (Production company who did Chainsaw remake owned by Michael Bay) remake of Friday the 13th. It is shit.

The original Friday the 13th films, though brainless and in no way masterpieces, were fine. They certainly didn't need an even more brainless, witless and charmless remake, nor did they deserve one.

This new film felt like the writers of Aliens Vs Predator:Requiem fell over, banged their heads, became more mentally ill than usual and wrote this in a semi coma in Hospital.

The problem was, the writers seem to have decided that Jason just walking around slashing and killing wasn't enough, they would much rather that Jason became a proper Letherface style serial killer, replete with a lair and a girl chained up as a prisoner.

Now, I may be being far too picky, but the idea of Jason Vorhees not killing someone and keeping them prisoner, is about as wrong as Batman swinging from building to building with his Spiderweb. It just has never happened in the previous films.

The kids in this film were also just dull and you could easily forget which is which. Say what you like about the originals, but at least there was a degree of humour and effort to be mildly memorable, these kids all looked the same and acted like they had watched too much Cheech and Chong. It is funny how the game has changed in 30 years. Instead of beer and sex, modern slasher films revolve around massive amounts of weed and scenes of women revealing giant fake breasts. They are most distracting, like two footballs nailed to a block of wood.

Jason himself is also terrible in this film. A giant, fat lumbering thing with a giant fat head and a tiny face. He is also dressed like an extra from a medieval film complete with bad fake wispy hair.

The old Jason was often accused of having teleporting abilities, which to be fair, he often did. One minute he is walking forty yards from someone, next minute he is ahead of them with a strimmer. This Jason however, runs at people, which looks more ridiculous. He is also permanently armed with a machete which he holsters up when finished. He is also seen sharpening it in his "lair" which again, just looked fucking stupid.

It is like the writers have never seen a Friday the 13th film. I just don't know how you could get it so wrong? A bloke, kills everyone, someone "kills" him at the end and in the next one he comes back.

They even tried to ape the original Friday the 13th ending in this film, but it was just incredibly stupid and poorly executed.

This is the problem with modern slasher films though. It isn't enough anymore that some bloke just appears and starts killing people. There has to be some sort of psychological reason and back-story now. Look at the dreadful Rob Zombie Halloween film. Fifty minutes of back story before it even got going, and what did we learn? The same thing we learnt in the first five minutes of the original Carpenter film. So utterly pointless.

The only modern slasher remake that I have seen that actually worked, was The Hills Have Eyes. I actually enjoyed that more than the original.

Don't get me wrong, I am not saying the all of the original Friday the 13th films are works of art or anything special, but if you are going to remake something, please do it properly.

I find modern slasher films just too clean, too generic and too safe. The scores are all the same as well, all percussive and "eerie". I cant quite put my finger on what it is about the look of modern horror, I think it must be the digital cameras, but to me, digital picture does not lend itself to horror. The clarity somehow robs your senses of scares. Plus, these days, they are usually all lit in the same way, deep greens or blues in the back ground of every shot.

The effects also suffer. CGI has robbed horror films of the clever make up shots of old. You do wonder where the next Rick Baker, Tom Savini or Greg Nicatero will come from.

I suppose, it is to be applauded. Modern horror has become far more generic and samey in a much quicker time than old horror.

Before they start to remake any more of these films, I suggest they go back and check out some of the classics like Slumberparty Massacre, Madman, Maniac, Happy Birthday To Me, April Fools Day and Visiting Hours. I would also recommend watching original versions of slasher or horror films over the remakes, they are nearly always scarier and better.

Sadly, the same company (Platinum Dunes) are also releasing a Nightmare on Elm Street remake later this year. So, I am sure you will hear from me about that. If only for the fact that the new Freddy looks like a fish.

So, there you are, not interesting, or relevant, but that's me all over.

Follow Ted (MrJohnRain) on Twitter
Comments about This Article
I was quite amazed by the set of skills young Jason had accrued throughout his life alone in an abandoned campsite and how well he'd regained his depth perseption despite a missing eye and how well he was able to become an expert bowsman and axe chucker. Well done Jason, you're an inspiration to all us freaks.
Comment By: A seriously deranged individual. , 22 Mar 2010, Rating: 5/5
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