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A Little Bit 'Special'
The extra circular plume
16/03/10
In 1997, George Lucas took his first terrible Star Wars related misstep and released the Star Wars Trilogy "Special Editions" into cinemas. As restorations go, they were very good.

The prints were all cleaned up and the sound amazing. However (And there is always a "however" with George), there was a giant, almost biblical proportion, amount of shit pumped into them as well.

Whilst we accept this was done now, if you think about it, it just makes you feel more angry. If you watch a classic film from days gone by, you will no doubt find fault with it. Any film you care to mention has problems.

For instance, I recently watched the original Dawn of the Dead. The effects have not stood up 32 years later, but it didn't diminish my enjoyment of the film. I certainly didn't want Romero to go in and replace all the zombies with CGI zombies and CGI blood. I just accept it for what it is. Sure it looks fake, but the film is good enough to make you not even stop and think about it. Most effects shots in Bond films are really bad miniature shots, but you don't give a shit because you are having a ball. Superman doesn't actually fly, and in most shots looks like he isn't, but I don't care.

Would Casablanca be any more of a classic if it were in colour? No.

Is Star Wars a better film with an extra circular plume coming off of the Death Star explosion at the end? No.

I don't believe that you can go back to a film you made 20 years previously and muck around with it. Ultimately, in my opinion, it seems like a waste of time. If there is one thing that is certain, effects shots will always look bad after a certain length of time. Technology, much like a Shark or Bob Dylan, does not and cannot stay still.

Let's have a quick look at the Star Wars "Special Edition".

What's different?

Well, the first thing Lucas does is to add "Episode IV: A New Hope" to the opening title crawl. This is so he can plow ahead with the prequel monstrosities.

The first bit of CGI improvement is that the Storm Troopers on Tattooine ride around on CGI dinosaurs, which is an essential scene. He then mucks around with Mos Eisley, with stupid CGI droids fighting each other and dinosaurs walking into frame. We then get a very lego looking shot of Luke, Obi-Wan, C3P0 and R2-D2 on a very badly rendered square looking speeder. In the Cantina it doesn't get any better. We have new CGI patrons who piss around in frame. Then comes, the infamous Greedo shooting first scene.

Those of you who are around my age would have grown up with Star Wars being the be all and end all of movies, with the Indiana Jones films in the metaphorical side-car. The first time you felt actual love for Han Solo, would have been in the Greedo Cantina scene, in which, Han Solo blows Greedo's head off in cold blood. This was a scene that showed you just how totally cool and amazing Han Solo is and just how good Harrison Ford WAS. In the "special" edition, Greedo fires first, which, is just when the film begins to sap the life-force from your very being.

The next "Special" scene is when Han meets Jabba. Now, this scene was cut from the original, and for good reason. It's totally pointless. I don't know about you (obviously) but part of the appeal of the original Star Wars trilogy is that there was a great deal that was left to your imagination, like "The Clone Wars" and more importantly, Jabba The Hut. I remember someone telling me that Jabba The Hut was in Return of the Jedi before I saw it at the cinema, very exciting stuff. But now, there he is, in Star Wars, looking absolutely shit. He is about half the size he is in Jedi and looks terrible. Why? It is surely just to show off.

There then follows a CGI Millennium Falcon taking off from Mos Eisley, which looks pretty good. But still pointless. We then get treated to some CGI X-Wing fighters at the end battle, that again, look too square and fake. Then, the aforementioned extra circular plume coming off of the Death Star explosion. Which, obviously, is really worth it. This was clearly something ILM were proud of because they had used it on a Star Trek film not long before the Special Editions.

Empire has purely cosmetic changes and to be honest, doesn't really spoil any enjoyment of the film.

Jedi, is another absolute cluster fuck. It is full of "improvements" (spelt RUINED) such as Jabba's palace, the Sarlac Pit and the new "Pan Pipe Moods" Ewok celebration song. Not to mention the extra tacked on scenes of the Empire falling with Jar-Jar Binks shouting "Wee-sa freeeee!". I can only imagine that Lucas imagined that Jar-Jar was to be a wonderful, memorable and important character in the Star Wars universe. Sadly, as is very well documented in a place called "the internet", he turned out to be the cinematic equivalent of a really bad fart that just hurts. The kind that hurts the smeller and the dealter.

The reason for my chagrin is that I recently bought the Theatrical version of Star Wars on DVD. Obviously, with Lucas being who he is, you had to re-buy the Special Edition, but that is only to be expected.

The first thing that struck me was just how little care has gone into the Theatrical versions. They look like a VHS copy and they are not in surround sound. But, they are much better films. They are as I remembered them, perfect. Yes, they have dodgy effects here and there, but, they are just perfect and full of the magic long remembered from my over excited Star Wars obsessed childhood.

I know I am saying nothing new. But it does make me mad.

Follow Ted (MrJohnRain) on Twitter
Comments about This Article
Dear Tedward,

Thanks for your letter of the 18/03/10. I have looked into the possibility of remastering the On The Buses trilogy. I think this would be a great idea. I have also written a prequel trilogy in which Stan is a slave child on another planet. It would be really great to see how Blakey became evil.

Yours Sincerely,

George Lucas
Comment By: George Lucas, 18 Mar 2010, Rating: 5/5
I want to see On The Buses in Blu Ray with 5.1 DTS.I may write a letter to Lucas now. I don't want any recasting though, the original cast is 200% perfect.
Comment By: Tedward, 18 Mar 2010, Rating: 5/5
Hopefully they will digitally replace the plots of 'on the buses' with feasible storylines, and they can digitally replace Stan and Jack with actual humans.
Better still, they should remake it with Jude Law (king of the remake) and Ben Affleck (he's probably not busy), and they could get Lee Evans as Blakey (as he is nearly as annoying).
Comment By: Dermot, 18 Mar 2010, Rating: 5/5
I can't wait for The On The Buses Digitally Remastered Box Set!!
Comment By: Smokey Earl, 18 Mar 2010, Rating: 5/5
I don't object to people making special editions with reworked effects. I think it's criminal that they then only release the updated version and pretend the original no longer exists. Why can't they release the restored originals? When Lucas dies I will dance on his grave.
Comment By: Fiddling Steve, 17 Mar 2010, Rating: 5/5
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