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Someone Else Holding the Baby Blues
11/01/12 Average Rating: 3 out of 5
Back to the Future Too
30/12/11
Untold Cooper
29/12/11
A British Defence Against America
08/12/11
Not So Marvellous
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We need to talk about Gervais
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A Quarter Life Crisis
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Confessions of a Dangerous Mind
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An open letter to George Lucas.
01/09/11
Burn Hollywood Burn
19/07/11
The Apprenticed
18/07/11
In Praise of ITV
03/07/11
Sick
28/06/11
Know the Drill
03/06/11
Modern Cinemas are Rubbish
02/06/11 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
My Tooth Story
26/05/11
Game of PWNS
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West is West
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Crime Crime Crime
17/05/11
The Bored Room
11/05/11 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
The Future Shock
09/05/11
The Worm That Eats Itself
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24/04/11
Driving Like A Dick
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A Penny For My Thoughts
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The Needle and the Damage Done
23/03/11 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
The Meaning of Life Part 1 : Birth
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10 O Clock Dive
21/01/11 Average Rating: 4.3 out of 5
Falling off of the Witches Hat
19/01/11 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
Small Talk
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The Waiting Game
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05/01/11
2010
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Police Stop
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Z Cast
29/12/10 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
The Crazy Adventures of Bastian and Atreyu
09/12/10
A note to my son or daughter.
08/12/10 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
Baby I can drive your car
22/10/10 Average Rating: 4.3 out of 5
A Good Society
10/09/10
The National Sport of Rubbernecking
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Scanners 2
08/09/10
What mean Expendable?
07/09/10 Average Rating: 4.3 out of 5
Adventures in Babyhaving
06/09/10 Average Rating: 0 out of 5
Warning : Speculation
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Adventures in driving
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A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...
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Pipe Up
23/04/10 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
More Bard News
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Grumpy Old Deathwish
29/03/10
The Apple
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1987
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The Long Bad Wednesday
25/03/10
Art for Art's Sake
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Modern Slash
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A Little Bit 'Special'
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Dead Happy
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Video Killed The Radio Stars
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Sunday Zoo
01/03/10
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A Load of Pony
25/01/10
I Want To Lie Down With A Lion
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'You Lecherous Moron'
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A National Treasure
15/01/10
Snow
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Steaks are High
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Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em
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BBC Bashing
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09/11/09
No More Heroes
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What I Did In My Holidays
04/11/09
Jellyneck
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Can Buy Me Love
10/09/09
Memory Lane
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Shitting Stars
26/08/09
The Life and Death of My Pop Star Life
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Are You Being Offended?
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My Generation
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Yes, but how did it Happen??
25/07/09
He Must Have Some Agent
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Day 2
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A New Morning
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The Sadness
21/07/09
Who Punishes The Punisher?
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The New Blog
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An Englishman's Home Is His Castle
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The Return
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06/04/09
It's The End Of The World As I Know It
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Picture This
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I Am Modern Man
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08/03/09
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21/01/09 Average Rating: 4.2 out of 5
You Be The Judge
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The Future Is Already Written
07/01/09
The Shortest Story Ever Told
06/01/09
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14/12/08
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07/12/08
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23/11/08
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11/11/08
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David Brent Would Vote For Barack Obama
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02/11/08
Sunday Zoo
Adventures In Berlin Part 2
01/03/10
Berlin is so wonderful. I would like to be twinned with it, and carry a sign in my wallet saying "John Rain, twinned with Berlin". That would be my ideal situation. Instead, I have a fridge magnet that has "Berlin" written on one end and a bottle opener on the other.

After our initial first full day of drinking and hanging with crazy German barmen, we decided our second day would be a more cultural experience and that we would visit the Brandenburg Gate and the The Reistag.

We began the day by heading into the U Bahn (The underground) and finding the appropriate train to get to the gate. What struck me about the U Bahn is how clean it was and just how confusing it is. It is the U Bahn but it seemed to be part underground, part overground. The S Bahn (The overground) seemed to also do both, so it left us rather confused as to which was which. In the end, rather than researching or looking into it, we just accepted that they probably do a bit of both.

The trains themselves seem to have been designed by the same team behind the film "Total Recall" as they have many TV's playing many adverts. I was half expecting an advert for Rekall to come on whilst I was being chased by Michael Ironside (I wasn't actually chased by Michael Ironside, I wish).

We arrived at the gate just as an anti war protest was beginning to get going, fittingly, it was very peaceful, though rather shouty.

We left the gate after many pictures and got the train back to the Hotel. As we were slightly hungover from the night before, we had no immediate urge to get drunk again. We instead decided to make a token effort and go out for dinner and just a couple of drinks.

That is, until we discovered the litre of Lowenbrau that we could get at a bar nearby. After two of those and a further litre and a half pitcher, we were drunk to the power of 10 compared to the previous night. We went to the Europa Centre nearby, a shopping mall that also had two bars. They were either the Bavarian bar or The Irish Bar. We decided on plumping for the Bavarian bar as Irish bars are everywhere in old Blighty. Fortune smiled on us. On the drinks menu in the Bavarian bar was a litre of Lowenbrau. So, we had one more each. It was during the last sips of this lovely mega drink that we were informed that the Bavarian bar was to close, but, the Irish Bar was open until 3am.

We sat down in the Irish bar and listened to the cover band with a further drink in our hands. We were having such a good time that we decided upon dancing during some Beatle covers. This is an indication of the levels of intoxication, as usually we will only dance when hammered. So, at around 1am, we decided that 4 hours of drinking was probably enough and we decided to leave the happy, jolly and lovely Irish Bar and the happy, jolly and lovely Europa Centre and head back to the hotel. I remember nothing of our journey back to the hotel, save for a visit to back to Berlin and that I may have slipped and fallen over on the ice.

Luckily for me, I had filmed a portion of our journey home on my camera. Watching it again reveals just how drunk we were and it is most amusing. But I suppose you had to be there.

The next day was a write off. We both awoke on Sunday morning feeling like utter shite.

We managed to get to a coffee shop and pick up a hot chocolate. We then went on to the Zoo.

This was a surreal experience. When you think about going to the Zoo in your mind. You imagine animals in their cages dancing around and laughing merrily whilst you look on. Of course, the reality is that they are all bloody miserable, and for good reason. It had been snowing in Berlin and there was snow, ice and sleet everywhere. There is nothing more depressing than seeing a Rhino or a Leopard (not a snow Leopard) walking around in snow. It was also the way they walked, in a circuit. It reminded me of prisoners on exercise in the yard. Walking the same circle over and over again.

After seeing depressed animals of all shapes and sizes I decided that I would look at the ape enclosure and then leave. Monkeys are happy right? They love it! No. They looked more miserable than the Leopard and the Rhino combined. They were mostly lying down looking very depressed, staring into space or staring at people staring at them. The look on their faces looked like they had just been told that there will be no tea parties for a year, and no PG Tips. We were going to go to the Aquarium, but I don't think I could have handled seeing a depressed Flipper or Free Willy.

We then went back to the hotel and decided to just stay in all day and curse the world. In the evening we managed to get out and have a meal, but we weren't out long, we returned back to the hotel and went to sleep.

Monday, our final day in Berlin arrived. We checked out, and then jumped on a tour bus to catch ALL of the sights.

The main thing that strikes you about Berlin is just how much of a rejuvenated and rejuvenating city it is. Where there were once barren wastelands where you would be shot for trying to cross, there is now a giant clutch of new shiny buildings and centres of industry. Each and every building totally different to the last, like a schizophrenic architect has been at work. Some shoot straight to the sky, some are at an angle and some look like a utopian nightmare imagined by Fritz Lang. There are even some instances of old buildings that were destroyed in the war, lovingly rebuilt to the same specifications.

There is certainly no indication anymore (on face value) of there ever being any kind of East/West divide (well, apart from the section of wall that is still standing in memoriam).

The people of Berlin are also totally amazing. They are so friendly and make you feel so at home.

It is a beautiful city and I would love to come back and we certainly intend on doing so. I couldn't recommend it enough.

Whilst my German holiday was amazing, and we had such fun, it was tempered by the fact that on the last day my head starting banging again and that giant bruising pressure flared up again in my forehead. The flight home triggered my ears again as well and they started on the car drive home from the airport.

This is why I didn't follow up with blog activity whilst in Germany, staring at screens is very hard when your eyes are being pushed out of your skull by infection!

So, back to the DR again. I was given more drugs (a hardcore nose spray and a matching ear one) and some menthol crystals (Yes, it does sound like crystal meth) which, once applied in tiny amounts to hot water, are the menthol version of Napalm. Another £20 on medicine and I was also told to rest for a few days and avoid screens. So, hopefully, with this new treatment I may smell and taste again, who knows. Would be nice.

By the way, if anyone is driving a giant lorry in the UK this week, do us all a favour if you see Patrick Kielty on his bike, why not run him over?

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