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Someone Else Holding the Baby Blues
11/01/12 Average Rating: 3 out of 5
Back to the Future Too
30/12/11
Untold Cooper
29/12/11
A British Defence Against America
08/12/11
Not So Marvellous
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We need to talk about Gervais
19/10/11 Average Rating: 4 out of 5
A Quarter Life Crisis
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Confessions of a Dangerous Mind
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An open letter to George Lucas.
01/09/11
Burn Hollywood Burn
19/07/11
The Apprenticed
18/07/11
In Praise of ITV
03/07/11
Sick
28/06/11
Know the Drill
03/06/11
Modern Cinemas are Rubbish
02/06/11 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
My Tooth Story
26/05/11
Game of PWNS
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West is West
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Crime Crime Crime
17/05/11
The Bored Room
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The Future Shock
09/05/11
The Worm That Eats Itself
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The Life Atwatic
24/04/11
Driving Like A Dick
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A Penny For My Thoughts
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The Needle and the Damage Done
23/03/11 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
The Meaning of Life Part 1 : Birth
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10 O Clock Dive
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Falling off of the Witches Hat
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Small Talk
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The Waiting Game
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05/01/11
2010
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Police Stop
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Z Cast
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The Crazy Adventures of Bastian and Atreyu
09/12/10
A note to my son or daughter.
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Baby I can drive your car
22/10/10 Average Rating: 4.3 out of 5
A Good Society
10/09/10
The National Sport of Rubbernecking
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Scanners 2
08/09/10
What mean Expendable?
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Adventures in Babyhaving
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Warning : Speculation
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A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...
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Pipe Up
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More Bard News
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29/03/10
The Apple
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1987
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25/03/10
Art for Art's Sake
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Modern Slash
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A Little Bit 'Special'
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Dead Happy
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Video Killed The Radio Stars
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A Load of Pony
25/01/10
I Want To Lie Down With A Lion
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'You Lecherous Moron'
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A National Treasure
15/01/10
Snow
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Steaks are High
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Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em
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BBC Bashing
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09/11/09
No More Heroes
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What I Did In My Holidays
04/11/09
Jellyneck
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Can Buy Me Love
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Memory Lane
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Shitting Stars
26/08/09
The Life and Death of My Pop Star Life
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Are You Being Offended?
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My Generation
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Time Waster
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Yes, but how did it Happen??
25/07/09
He Must Have Some Agent
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Day 2
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A New Morning
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The Sadness
21/07/09
Who Punishes The Punisher?
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The New Blog
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The Return
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It's The End Of The World As I Know It
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Picture This
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I Am Modern Man
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08/03/09
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You Be The Judge
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Don't Remake Me Over
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The Future Is Already Written
07/01/09
The Shortest Story Ever Told
06/01/09
Demon Seed
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Who throws a shoe?
14/12/08
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10/12/08
Feeling Blu
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SHT
07/12/08
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30/11/08 Average Rating: 3.7 out of 5
For What It's Worth
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Alan Partridge and Other Less Successful Characters
23/11/08
National Expression
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The Cage Strain
11/11/08
A Common Practice In Poland
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David Brent Would Vote For Barack Obama
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I am Legend
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Setting The President In The Art World
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My Word Is My Bond
02/11/08
Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em
R.I.P. Sgt Howie
16/11/09
I am a clumsy person. If there is something to be dropped, broken, accidentally kicked or smashed, it is usually me that is able to perform.

I remember going to my friends 8th birthday party. I bought him (well, my mum bought him) a wind up thing with sticky wheels that went up the wall (they were very popular in 1985).

He opened it and looked very pleased. I was happy that I could bring joy to his life. He went on to other presents and I picked up the gift I just moments ago given to him. I immediately broke it. The sticky wheels fell off and it basically shattered in my hand. I hurriedly put it all back in the box and shoved it to one side. He never spoke of it again, but Ben, if you are reading this, yes, it was me.

Whilst you may argue that it is just heavy handedness that causes these events, I may like to take this opportunity to say that it is probably a 50/50 split between heavy handedness and being very clumsy.

I think I may have held the world record of toe-stubbing. At one point it was a daily occurrence. I would walk into a room, stub my toe. Walk out of a room, stub my toe. Jump out of a plane, stub my toe. Do a wheelie on a bike through a flaming hoop, stub my toe. The list could go on.

I have since graduated from toe-stubbing to banging my elbow on door handles as I leave or enter a room. This also sometimes comes with items of clothing or bags catching on door handles as well thus preventing me from leaving or entering rooms.

On Friday I went to get my haircut. I am still embarrassed about what occurred thereafter.

I entered the barber shop, said hello to my barber, nothing unusual there. I immediately noticed that the big shelving unit full of shampoo and other hair products had moved from the wall to the right of the seating area, to right in between all of the seats, but I didn't dwell on it.

I decided to sit next to the shelving unit. A decision that would change my life forever. Well, that is over dramatising things a bit. What I mean to say is, a decision that would embarrass me for 10 minutes.

So, I took off my coat, hung it up, sat down and then, heard a weird noise.

I looked up and noticed that the giant shelving unit full of hair produce that was now, for some reason, placed in the midst of the seating area, was wobbling like a jelly in an earthquake.

Suddenly, the entire top 2 shelves of produce vomited onto the barbershop floor and at least 2 of them exploded.

The barber looked at me like I was a mentally ill, which, to be honest, was a fair reaction.

I leapt to my feet and began to try and pick it all up and put it back. The barber stopped cutting hair and began to assist me. A few more dropped during this time, one very nearly hitting my head, just to underline my suffering. The barber then grabbed a bundle of tissue and kitchen roll and started wiping up all the spilt hair stuff. Some of the loose hairs on the floor has mixed in and it looked like a vat of werewolf spunk.

All the time whilst this was happening, the waiting customers (oh yes, there was one waiting and one in the chair) couldn't help but smirk as Frank Spencer and his barber clean up and dodge falling bottles.

By the time it was my turn, we were both laughing about it, but I couldn't help coming away from it all with the general feeling of how this sort of thing only seems to happen to me. The barber did reassure me that the chair I sat it had been moved far too close to the shelf by someone and it was bound to happen, but that didn't "cut it" with me. I felt like a tit and no made up excuses could change this fact.

The only happy part of this story was that there was a corking episode of Diagnosis Murder on in the barber shop and I was soothed by wonderful way in which Dick Van Dyke, a doctor, had been crowbarred into a large scale murder investigation via the suspect contracting chicken pox. That dear readers, is elegant writing.

So, Edward Woodward is no more. That is sad. I did like him. I remember The Equalizer used to be on after Barry Norman and that Johnny from "The Karate Kid" played Woodward's son. Oh, heady days. His last screen appearance was Eastenders apparently. That is not fair. Can we not get him digitally put into something better? You know, like anything else? Come on George Lucas, use your power for good. Help us to remember our old stars fondly. Pop a CGI Woodward in the Nic Cage Wicker Man and have him beat Cage to death at the end.

There, much better.

Follow Ted (MrJohnRain) on Twitter
Comments about This Article
You're not alone in the clumsy department. I quite often mess up simple tasks like walking down a corridoor. To mention but one.
Comment By: Jones, 16 Nov 2009, Rating: 5/5
& funnily enough Michele Dotrice who played Betty in Some Mothers Do "Ave" Em was married to Edward Woodward!!!
Comment By: Smokey Earl, 16 Nov 2009, Rating: 5/5
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