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Someone Else Holding the Baby Blues
11/01/12 Average Rating: 3 out of 5
Back to the Future Too
30/12/11
Untold Cooper
29/12/11
A British Defence Against America
08/12/11
Not So Marvellous
07/12/11 Average Rating: 3 out of 5
We need to talk about Gervais
19/10/11 Average Rating: 4 out of 5
A Quarter Life Crisis
06/10/11 Average Rating: 4 out of 5
Confessions of a Dangerous Mind
05/10/11 Average Rating: 4 out of 5
An open letter to George Lucas.
01/09/11
Burn Hollywood Burn
19/07/11
The Apprenticed
18/07/11
In Praise of ITV
03/07/11
Sick
28/06/11
Know the Drill
03/06/11
Modern Cinemas are Rubbish
02/06/11 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
My Tooth Story
26/05/11
Game of PWNS
24/05/11 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
West is West
19/05/11 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
Crime Crime Crime
17/05/11
The Bored Room
11/05/11 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
The Future Shock
09/05/11
The Worm That Eats Itself
06/05/11 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
The Life Atwatic
24/04/11
Driving Like A Dick
17/04/11 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
A Penny For My Thoughts
27/03/11 Average Rating: 2 out of 5
The Needle and the Damage Done
23/03/11 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
The Meaning of Life Part 1 : Birth
16/03/11 Average Rating: 3 out of 5
10 O Clock Dive
21/01/11 Average Rating: 4.3 out of 5
Falling off of the Witches Hat
19/01/11 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
Small Talk
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The Waiting Game
13/01/11 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
2011
05/01/11
2010
31/12/10 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
Police Stop
30/12/10 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
Z Cast
29/12/10 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
The Crazy Adventures of Bastian and Atreyu
09/12/10
A note to my son or daughter.
08/12/10 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
Baby I can drive your car
22/10/10 Average Rating: 4.3 out of 5
A Good Society
10/09/10
The National Sport of Rubbernecking
09/09/10 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
Scanners 2
08/09/10
What mean Expendable?
07/09/10 Average Rating: 4.3 out of 5
Adventures in Babyhaving
06/09/10 Average Rating: 0 out of 5
Warning : Speculation
12/07/10 Average Rating: 4.5 out of 5
Adventures in driving
07/07/10 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...
05/07/10 Average Rating: 4 out of 5
Pipe Up
23/04/10 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
More Bard News
21/04/10 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
Volcanoes and Elections
20/04/10 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
Grumpy Old Deathwish
29/03/10
The Apple
27/03/10 Average Rating: 2 out of 5
1987
26/03/10 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
The Long Bad Wednesday
25/03/10
Art for Art's Sake
23/03/10 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
Modern Slash
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A Little Bit 'Special'
16/03/10 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
Dead Happy
05/03/10 Average Rating: 3.3 out of 5
Video Killed The Radio Stars
03/03/10 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
Sunday Zoo
01/03/10
Im Flugzeug
20/02/10 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
Radio Times
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Intellectual Property
16/02/10
Happy Loveday
15/02/10
A Load of Pony
25/01/10
I Want To Lie Down With A Lion
18/01/10 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
'You Lecherous Moron'
17/01/10 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
A National Treasure
15/01/10
Snow
13/01/10 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
Friday The 13th
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Steaks are High
11/01/10 Average Rating: 4.2 out of 5
Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em
16/11/09 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
BBC Bashing
10/11/09 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
Kenny Effing Powers!
09/11/09
No More Heroes
06/11/09 Average Rating: 3.7 out of 5
What I Did In My Holidays
04/11/09
Jellyneck
22/09/09 Average Rating: 3 out of 5
Can Buy Me Love
10/09/09
Memory Lane
27/08/09 Average Rating: 4 out of 5
Shitting Stars
26/08/09
The Life and Death of My Pop Star Life
25/08/09 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
Are You Being Offended?
24/08/09 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
My Generation
14/08/09 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
Home Alone 2 : Lost In 1939-1945
12/08/09 Average Rating: 4.3 out of 5
Home Alone
29/07/09 Average Rating: 3 out of 5
Context
28/07/09 Average Rating: 2.7 out of 5
Summer is a bummer
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Time Waster
26/07/09 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
Yes, but how did it Happen??
25/07/09
He Must Have Some Agent
24/07/09 Average Rating: 3.8 out of 5
Day 2
23/07/09 Average Rating: 4.3 out of 5
A New Morning
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The Sadness
21/07/09
Who Punishes The Punisher?
17/07/09 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
The New Blog
09/07/09 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
Baby, You're A Ritchie Man
21/05/09 Average Rating: 3 out of 5
An Englishman's Home Is His Castle
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The Return
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Double Trouble
06/04/09
It's The End Of The World As I Know It
05/04/09 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
Not Good Enough
30/03/09 Average Rating: 3 out of 5
Picture This
24/03/09 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
Size Matters
22/03/09 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
The Death of Mother Tongue
19/03/09 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
I Am Modern Man
18/03/09 Average Rating: 4.6 out of 5
Not Ready
16/03/09 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
Watched
10/03/09 Average Rating: 4 out of 5
Wired
08/03/09
The Running Man
26/02/09 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
Run, Fatboy, Run
25/02/09 Average Rating: 4.7 out of 5
Absent Friends
09/02/09 Average Rating: 4.8 out of 5
Snow Wonder
02/02/09 Average Rating: 4.2 out of 5
A New Breed of Hero
21/01/09 Average Rating: 4.2 out of 5
You Be The Judge
20/01/09 Average Rating: 3.7 out of 5
Take Hart
18/01/09 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
What's In A Name?
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Don't Remake Me Over
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Random Fluctuations In The Space Time Continuum!
08/01/09 Average Rating: 3.8 out of 5
The Future Is Already Written
07/01/09
The Shortest Story Ever Told
06/01/09
Demon Seed
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2008
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What's Cooking?
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A Feel Good Story
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The Curse
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He's Not The Messiah!
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Who throws a shoe?
14/12/08
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10/12/08
Feeling Blu
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SHT
07/12/08
Gategate
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Comedy of Errors
30/11/08 Average Rating: 3.7 out of 5
For What It's Worth
27/11/08 Average Rating: 2 out of 5
Alan Partridge and Other Less Successful Characters
23/11/08
National Expression
20/11/08 Average Rating: 3 out of 5
A View To A Job
18/11/08 Average Rating: 1 out of 5
Last Bus Gone
17/11/08 Average Rating: 4.1 out of 5
Jungle Nobodies
12/11/08 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
The Cage Strain
11/11/08
A Common Practice In Poland
07/11/08 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
Close Encounters of the West Country Kind
06/11/08 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
David Brent Would Vote For Barack Obama
05/11/08 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
I am Legend
04/11/08 Average Rating: 4 out of 5
Setting The President In The Art World
03/11/08 Average Rating: 5 out of 5
My Word Is My Bond
02/11/08
Jellyneck
The 3 Shanes
22/09/09
Readers of my ever so regular blog will know that, like an old man eating prunes, I try to be regular. But life is sometimes never that simple. You know you have been neglecting your blog when even your own mother hassles you to update it.

I wont make excuses for my forth extended absence. All I will say is that, sometimes, situations arise. Things happen. I didn't have enough money for cab fare. My tux didn't come back from the cleaners. An old friend came in from out of town. Someone stole my car. There was an earthquake. A terrible flood. Locusts. IT WASN'T MY FAULT, I SWEAR TO GOD.

On a serious note, I just mostly been busy being lazy, coupled with more illness.

Regular readers will know that I had a blocked and mildly infected ear, which was a pain in the arse to be honest. The timing stank as my remastered Beatles albums arrived and I couldn't hear out of my right ear. Then, this eventually cleared up. I then made the mistake of relaxing and enjoying a normal life. Free of illness.

Last Wednesday evening, I was minding my own business, and feeling fine, when suddenly, I was attacked. Not by a person, or an animal, or a machine. But by me.

I suddenly had a sensation underneath my tongue like I had glass in my mouth and throat. Then, after a short while, it went away. I dismissed it as just "one of those things" but, as Bruce Banner will tell you, never ignore signs that your body is angry. A short time later, I was eating my dinner and scratched an itch on my neck, when suddenly I came face to face (or hand to neck) with my new enemy. A lump. A big lump. As the evening progressed I felt worse and more like I was coming down with the cold from hell.

I was obviously concerned by this and decided to seek medical help the following morning. I waited in the GP surgery for about 45 minutes. I have been very lucky in my long life and have not spent much time in GP surgeries or Hospitals. I must say, I was taken with how modern the surgery was. It had a TV that made a "bing" noise and flashed up your name when it was time to be seen. I was very excited about when my name would come up, I felt like I was about to go on Wogan (By "go on Wogan" I mean appear on his chat show, not wee on him).

Sadly, my name never appeared and my DR came into the waiting room and called my name. I was mildly disappointed with this service. At the very least I wanted a fanfare or something. The old people got a beep, I got nothing. I understand that they will be dead soon and they have to have excitement where they can get it, but what about people like me? People who have no life? What do we get? We want beeps and our name in lights too. But no, we get a mildly irritated DR who seemed fucked off that I had bothered him. It put me in mind of that "Jam" sketch in which the DR gives his patient a dressing down for only coming to see him when he wanted something.

I took my seat in his surgery and he asked me what the problem was, but in such a fashion like he had something in the oven that he wanted to get back to. He gave me a throat groping and then checked my tonsils. He then diagnosed that I had a throat infection and that my glands were up, this is quite normal apparently. He then seemed relived that he could go back and check his dinner hadn't burnt. Then I ruined his world. I asked him to write me a note so I could prove to my work that I attended a DR. He wrote it like I had asked for his autograph when he was on the gallows. I left and then went home with my jelly-frog neck to my make-shift couch bed and Timothy Dalton rocking The Living Daylights out of me.

So, you see, to write a blog in my condition, would have been the last thing on my mind.

I did buy myself a treat to enjoy whilst I recovered. Crank 2 : High Voltage.

For those unfamiliar with Crank, it is "Speed" in a body. The Stathamator (Jason Statham) is a man poisoned, he must keep his adrenalin high or his heart will stop. So, the majority of Crank is The Stathamator causing mayhem, chaos and kicking some ass in an attempt to retrieve an antidote.

Crank 2 : High Voltage follows a similar principle. This time however, Statham has had his heart replaced with an electric one and needs constant electrical charging. He causes chaos, mayhem and kicks ass in an attempt to retrieve his real heart, which can be replaced.

Both films are ridiculous to an almost insane degree and both are, in a very real sense, rubbish. But, I liked them. I liked them very much. Being raised on 80's action films that never made any sense, nor made post modern references, I enjoyed the ride, for what it was, violent, funny, misogynistic clap trap. And sometimes, that is a nice break from films that take themselves seriously or pretend to be something they are not.

I know the ghost of Ceri Seel would agree with me. I hope he is enjoying that giant Tripods convention in the sky.

Another trio of sad showbiz deaths. Patrick Swayze, Felix Bowness and Keith Floyd. Bowness, of course, was in one of my all time fave sitcoms, "Hi-De-Hi", which it seems is also cursed like "Dad's Army" before it. Paul Shane must be very worried. Let's hope that there isn't a "You Rang M'Lord" or "Oh Dr. Beeching" curse, or he is fucked and 3 times more likely to go.

I have set up a profile on "Funny or Die" now to post some of our HB videos. It is obviously only a matter of time before I am asked to remove them for the countless copyright infringements, but, so far, on my "Yoda and Luke" video, the meter is more towards "funny" than "die" so, that makes me feel that I am doing the right thing. Feel free to support me in that venture and any HB related venture that you feel deserves support. We are simple people who require praise like everyone else.

As I write this I have been told that Chas & Dave have split up. I met them in 1997 in Devon. I have a photo of me with them. That is all.


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Comments about This Article
Re Visit to the Doctor: Upon reading this part of the blog I was struck by the thought that Adrian Mole is well and living happily in la la land!!

Comment By: - guess who!!, 23 Sep 2009, Rating: 3/5
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