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I am Dr Tiger Ninestein, leader of the Terrahawks, a top secret band of brave and righteous folks who defend the Earth (especially the US of A, even though my American accent is nothing short of appalling) against alian invasion (especially from our nemesis, Zelda, even though her idea of an evil plan is nothing short of boring). I lead a very exciting life, which I think makes great reading. Enjoy!
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28th May
Today I have decided to keep a diary. Here goes!
I wake up every day around 6am; Kate and Mary sleep in the room next to mine, I usually wake them up with a playful punch in the face whilst shouting. Hawkeye sleeps in the spare room with all the Zeroids, I usually wake him up by pissing on his bed and I wake up the Zeroids by setting fire to Hawkeye. Today is no exception.
Before I bog you down with what my day entails, perhaps I better explain a little about myself and what it is I do. My name is Dr. "Tiger" Ninestein, I am one of nine clones created by the "brilliant" professor Stein, and after an exceptional military career I was persuaded to "mastermind" the creation of the "Terrahawks" defence squadron and lead it as its commander.
We all live in a big "White House" in Africa (Or "Hawks Nest" as I have cleverly called it). I have the best room as I am the best one, though, sometimes I leave the door slightly open so people can see me in my pants, and I have such nice pants.
The only problem with the "White house" arrangement is that when we take off in "Space Hawk" the whole of the house flips open and we break things, like that priceless collection of Ming vases I bought, I spent hours arranging them only for Mary "I'm so fucking great" Falconer to take off in Space Hawk, with hardly any warning at all (I was right in the middle of my favourite computer game, about to beat my all time high score) which threw me and all of my priceless vases across the room. That’s exactly how I did my back in, which is why you never see my standing up, terrible bad back.
We all decided when we first started "Terrahawks" that the person who we hated the most, whoever it was, would have to live in space with that bum-hungry robot, and it was Lt Hiro. He is "Exacree" the kind of person you want to send off into space to be bummed by a machine, what a "prum". He keeps sending me confidential reports of how he wakes up at three in the morning to find the robot booting itself up over his sleeping face.
But it's not all fun and games being a Terrahawk, it's tough work. We have a nemesis called "Zelda" who, luckily for us, and Earth, is a total fuckwit, and I think she knows it, she attempts every week to destroy us (and Earth), but she is so bad at it, like a spaz trying to play football. Anyway, duty calls, more soon! Tiger xxx
29th May
Was told today by Kate that I looked like Peter O Toole, Mary reckons I'm a dead ringer for Richard Madely, either way reckon I'm top dollar on for some hot pumping action with one of them, at last I might get some action from this crap job!
Oh, and Hiro rang again, this time that robot has been going through his pants draw while he's alseep, he says "It's a disglace! There is fruid everywhere, all over my calvin kriens"
30th May
Really sucky day today. I was about to beat my high score when Mary Falconer started making some big fuss (probably broken another nail, or found some puppies...by god she's got nice puppies) and distracted me. I went along to see what all the commotion was about, and when I got back to my game, Zero (robotic ineffectoid) had set the high score so high I'll probably never beat it. I had to go and have a lie down to calm my nerves, and when I did, I had the most amazing dream, in which Zero got eaten by a gigantic spider. I woke up all covered in 'Fruid' as Lt. Hiro would say.
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