Hello all. I am Bear Grylls, no relation to George Foreman Grills. I am here today to talk about the awkward act that is going to the toilet outdoors. Whether it be weeing up against a tree or dumping in a foxhole, it needs to be done when you are living in the wilderness, what like I do.
I first realised that I liked living outdoors when Home and Away went to Channel 5. We couldn't get Channel 5 in my village and I was desperate to know what was going on in Summer Bay and if Bobby was alright, also, I wanted to know if Sally's imaginary friend Milko was still spying on Pippa when she was in the nud, so, driven mad by not knowing what was happening, I moved my entire family into the woods. Someone told me that Neighbours is now on Channel 5 as well, that makes me more sure that I did the right thing by moving into the forest.
If you ever wish to come and see me living wild in the woods, I live on the wooded section by the M25, near the services, so I can still buy my dirty mags and cigs, and have a KFC now and then.
Living in the wilderness isn't all tents, Swiss army knives, mouth organs, marshmallows and wanking. You will sometimes have to lay some cable or do a wee. I find that a trowel is the best weapon to have in these situations, you can either dig a hole for plops, or use it as a make shift water feature spout type thing. Once, a badger appeared in a clearing and watched me whilst I was weeing, the more I wee'd, the more interested and disarmed the Badger seemed. It suddenly dawned on me we are all nature, sharing a giant wilderness and that in that moment, the Badger had reached out to me and touched my heart. I couldn't resist, I aimed my tadger at that badger and wee'd all over his head, he seemed jolly annoyed, but i thought it was hilarious. Next time I hope to poo on him, just to show him who is boss, stupid Badger.
I often have friends round in my wilderness camp, to share some adventure. Bradley Walsh is forever out in my camp, he even talks to me while he is pooing. Something that to be honest, I am not very keen on. I think they all come out here to prepare for that "I'm a Celebrity" shit. I tell them that they shouldn't do it as it is basically humiliation on a grand scale, then they remind me about prancing about in the nude in the Arctic with my shriveled cock hanging out, and I remember to be quiet.
I wanted to do a version of "I'm a Celebrity" but have it toilet based. No one was interested, apart from everyone who has been on "I'm a celebrity", but I was only considering celebrities.
No one really wants to see Tommy Cannon and Bobby Ball crouched down with their kecks around their ankles curling one out. They would much rather see Tim Vincent or Ian off of Eastenders. Real stars.
The only thing that I kept with me from the outside world is my Austin Princess. It never fails to start and even once when I flattened the battery, it recharged it itself, very clever stuff. I would never poo or wee in it like Axl Foley would.
Join me next time when I show you my home made tent. |
