A Look Into The Seedy World of Underground Sports with Trevor McDonald
Hello, my name is Trevor McDonald, the famous newsreader, Knight Of The Realm, slayer of the Paxman Dragon and current guardian of the Excalibur sword, and I'm here to give you, my humble homies, a view of the seedy world that is underground sports.
Having spent much time hanging out with my best friend Ross Kemp, I decided that it was time that I too delved under the surface of regular life and exposed to you, the serfs that dwell in the less good bits of the country (i.e. anywhere that isn't my fabulous goldplated mansion) a view of how the immoral and less rich people than myself spend their time. I took twelve months of my life hunting out underground sports and pastimes and what I found shocked even me (and I've seen Phillip Schofield's cock in the ITV changing rooms).
I found this grotesque sport being played deep in the Amazon jungle not 5 minutes by A road from junction 26 of the M1. A hungry orphan is given a rusty kitchen ladle, put in a ring with a spiteful, ill tempered kitten and told to fight to the death for a bowl of Tuna fish (in Brine or Sunflower oil - the winners choice). Of the two matches I could stomach watching, the kitten won both times. I became enraged and killed the kitten with Excalibur, then beheaded the ring leader/organiser of the event.
Clubbing The Celebrity Chef
People in deep in the heart of the Congo, not five minutes by A road from South Mimms services on the M25, participate in a rather evil sport known only to the locals as Clubbing The Celebrity Chef. 12 naked men, greased up with Extra Virgin Olive Oil kidnap a famous chef, set him free in the countryside armed only with a copy of the latest Hollyoaks calendar, and proceed to hunt him down to the death. The prize - a meal for two at the nearest Harvester restaurant. Disgusting. I could only stomach being involved for half an hour. When I tried to leave the hunt I was confronted by a group of men brandishing rolling pins. Fortunately Excalibur made light work of them. It is believed that national treasures such as Gordon Ramsey and Jamie Oliver are at risk.
Cruel, cruel times are to be found in China this year (not 5 minutes by A road from junction 10 of the M42) where people with disabilities are made to compete in all manner of sports for the pleasure and delight of the able-bodied. This event is televised globally. Terrible. I became enraged and took Excalibur to my Television set.
My wife says I have to go to bed now.
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Comments about This Article
Kenny...yes I'm currently talking to Living + 1 about a celebrity ghost based golf series, featuring Yvette Fielding & myself, recently I've spent too much time living in the shadow of my daughter. Comment By: Jimmy Tarbuck, 03 Oct 2008, Rating: 3/5
Hey, still in the bunker eh Tarby? You're worse than Hitler you are! Arf arf. Comment By: Kenny Lynch, 02 Oct 2008, Rating: 5/5
Hey Tarby, are we on for the new series of full swing or what 'cos Lenny Bruce reckons his golf has improved. Comment By: Ronnie Corbett, 02 Oct 2008, Rating: 5/5
I happened to be in the club house during the Para-Olympics golf competition & was somewhat embarrassed to watch each competitor check in, only to be asked by the man behind the desk what their particular handicap was....bloody disgraceful!! Comment By: Jimmy Tarbuck, 02 Oct 2008, Rating: 2/5