Hey guys. As you all probably know, I am an animal lover. I don't mean sexing up a Dog or rubbing off a Giraffe. I mean in a Platonic way, just like I loved Carla or Cliff or the other ones. I have for many years now been caring for Dolphins, like it was popular to do in the late 1980's. I also really care for Tuna, so I am in a real bind here morally, do I save the Dolphin or the Tuna? What I tend to do is just wade in to where the nets are and beat the first one with a rolling pin that I see, if it swims off I let it live, if it dies I get Mary Steenburgen, my wife, to make a lovely and juicy Admirals Pie. Living in Los Angeles, it is good to have a "cause" to worry about, after all, life is sweet, you have to "give something back".
My friend Andie McDowell really cares about (Well, i say friend, I don't really like her, she ruined "Hudson Hawk", my fave all time film) "Socks for Owls". A new charity that really cares about getting all the Owls in the world into a pair of socks, I don't really see the point in that one to be honest, sounds like an air-headed waste of time, mind you, she does let me drive her Austin Princess, it really is a dream of a ride.
You know, once I had such a bad ankle that my shoe wouldn't go on, never mind "Socks for Owls", what about "Special Shoes for Becker!"
Another buddy of mine, Jerry Springer, drives around in a miniature go-kart and always wears the same "Friday the 13th Part 7 : A New Blood" T-shirt, he will sometimes put on the hockey mask and stand outside of my window saying, "ke-ke-ke-ko-ko-ko". It used to scare Mary, but not now, she usually now just laughs, which worries me, one day it could actually be Jason Voorhees and she could be hacked to pieces, just like "Friday the 13th Part 3D".
Interesting fact, I was offered the role of Rocky, but I turned it down as they wanted me to do boxing, I thought it would be about landscape gardening, one of my favourite ways of spending a Sunday (Not anymore, I hire a Mexican called Diko to do it, he is very discreet) So, Stallone did it and it made him a big star, good for him. I know that sounds bitter, but I'm not, after all, I got to play the Woof when Michael J. Fox turns into the Teen Woof in the film "Teen Woof". Plus, I get to kiss Boof at the end, and she is much better than Adrian, which, by the way, is a mans name anyway.
I once caught a fish, I put it back, I couldn't stand to see the poor thing suffer. Though, when I put it back it didn't move much, or for that matter say thank you, I had only had it out of the water for a few hours. Then there was the time I saved a fish from being eaten, I whipped it right off of Clint Eastwood's plate at the Oscars in 1986, he was annoyed, but I told him why I was doing it, he seemed to be happy with my explanation, he punched me. I put the fish back into the sea and it did nothing, it sank if anything, which I thought is exactly what they shouldn t do? Now I come to think of it, fish really are dicky idiots, they cant even breathe, ass-wipes. Fuck them, I give up.
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Comments about This Article
I'm just a guy on a donkey ! Comment By: The guy on a donkey, 01 Oct 2008, Rating: 5/5
Im still waiting for my raindeer goat cheese pizza. Comment By: Butterfinger, 01 Oct 2008, Rating: 5/5
The last time you saw me I was bald, beard with no moustache and I had a different nose. Comment By: George Kaplan, 01 Oct 2008, Rating: 5/5
Pardon my British non-headiness. Comment By: Alfred, 01 Oct 2008, Rating: 5/5
Bunny has my ball-ball. Comment By: Hudson Hawk, 01 Oct 2008, Rating: 5/5
If Da Vinci was alive today, he'd be eating microwave sushi, naked, in the back of a Cadillac with the both of us Comment By: Richard E. Grant, 01 Oct 2008, Rating: 5/5
Why not, I was the one who got decapitated. Comment By: Alfred, 01 Oct 2008, Rating: 5/5
Neither of us will be attending the hat convention in July. . Comment By: Sandra Bernhard & Richard E. Grant, 01 Oct 2008, Rating: 5/5
Looks like you wont be attending that hat Convention in July. Comment By: Hudson Hawk, 01 Oct 2008, Rating: 5/5
Can you fucking believe it; sprinkler system in the limo ! ! Comment By: Danny Aiello, 01 Oct 2008, Rating: 5/5
And you never will !! Comment By: Captain Bob, 01 Oct 2008, Rating: 5/5
Dear Ted, you're height always scared me but I feel that your love of Hudson Hawk will bring us closer together. I never did find out where Captain Bob got his steering wheel from. . Comment By: Walter Willis, 01 Oct 2008, Rating: 5/5
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The opinions expressed on Hobo-Bonobo.co.uk are not those of anyone, particularly not the people to whom they have been accredited. The content of the site is intended to be humourous, and is not intended to offend anyone.
