Howdy Y'all; Larry here, you may know me as the Hagmeister, Larry Cool, or Chuppa Chupps Hagman. You may even remember me for teaming up the late great Brion James with the famous cockney dialogue coach Dick Van Dyke, but one things for sure, you don't know what I've been doing for the last few years; well my friends I'll tell you.
As an air force test pilot I was extremely surprised when they told me that I hadn't been living with a Genie for several years but in fact had spent the time behind a set of wheely bins round the back of Pound Stretcher off the high street in Kidderminster pissed out my skull. Anyway, after my fifth liver transplant I began thinking they were right so I set my life back on course with my now famous 5 step get your life back on track programme:-
Step 1, Stop drinking, (in public)
Step 2, Remove what ever has died up your arse
Step 3, Post seaman sample to Babs Eden and Babs Windsor
Step 4, Drive everywhere in a golf buggy
Step 5, Shag Miss Ellie at the Oil Baron's ball, on the table in front of Patrick Duffy and Howard Keel whilst farting, "Bless your beautiful hide" in b flat
Trust me, it works, it's not a gimmick and it helped me discover what dangers mankind faces from the mysterious area 51.
The secret entrance to area 51 lies beneath baboon island at Flamingo Land. It's quite a long tunnel at 5460 miles but that's where the golf buggy comes in handy. It consists of a 8 foot x 10 foot shed with a female vic 20 super computer chained to a post. It was like a scene from Alien 2, (Aliens) as the queen vic 20 gave birth to smaller vic 20s to take over the world. I watched in horror as it quickly evolved to give birth to a spectrum 128 with floppy disk drive.
I had to regain my composure for the sake of mankind so after a swift swig of some paint stripper out of a brown paper bag I plucked up the courage to switch her off at the mains.
10, "fuck you Hagman"
20, goto 10
Before her final words, "syntax error at line 10"
I had saved the world again and in doing so became the Chuppa Chupps spokesman.
It's just unfortunate her last words would haunt me like Derek Acorah haunts my pants. Either way I'm back on the booze now behind Pound Stretcher where I belong.
Oh yeah; Larry
Nothing written on this site is intended to be true or factual, and none of the celebrities named in the 'Look Into' section have anything to do with this website. Their 'contributions' are entirely fictional and have been created by the authors of Hobo-Bonobo. The opinions expressed on Hobo-Bonobo.co.uk are not those of anyone, particularly not the people to whom they have been accredited.
Comments about This Article
JR I'm leaving you for Cliff Barnes! Comment By: Sue Ellen, 23 Sep 2008, Rating: 2/5
I have told you before, get out of our dustbins. They smell like rotting Dallas. Comment By: Clive Stubbs, Manager of Pound Stretcher, 23 Sep 2008, Rating: 3/5