|Hello and groovy! Did I mention jam yet? jam, jam, jam and jam. Seeing as I am so busy with "acting" and hosting any horse related sports programmes on the BBC, to find the time to write this article is frankly, a miracle. Cross dressing is a perfectly natural thing, also, it is a good device if you haven't really got much to say whilst being a stand up, so is talking in French actually, oh, and mentioning jam. In my last stand up video I talked about wearing a dress, make up and fake knocks for well over an hour, and then, just to add insult to injury, I came on in the second half in a different dress, you see, genius.
In reality of course, I hate dressing as a lady, it is horrible, but, in order to the heart of the matter I feel it is important to understand why.
Dressing as a lady started in Roman times, well, they were togas, groovy, and most Romans were pretty uncool and not groovy, but they did all sound like James Mason,"Hello, I'm James Mason, a roman in a dress toga." and then Sean Connery would come in and say, "Why are you wearing a dresh you lady man, that ish not groovy." Then James Mason would say, "I am a Roman and I like wearing a dress." And so on, then they would probably speak in French for a bit.
I was in the Avengers you know, with Sean Connery, I don't think you will ever forgive me for that will you? Never mind that I tend to stink up the screen when ever I am in a film that you may or may not like. The quality of the film not being dependant on my presence either way to be honest. I remember George Clooney asking me to be involved with Oceans whatever it was, at first he thought I was funny, but after the third day of me saying "Jam" and talking like James Mason, he had me banned from being near him. To be honest, I am getting used to it now. He was like (In a Sean Connery voice) "Eddie, will you just shtop talking about Jam." And I (played by James Mason) was like, "No, no, listen here Clooney, no."
The only people who understand and encourage me are the people who work for the Sports department of the BBC. When I am doing all the Horse related coverage and or general sports coverage, they never question or get annoyed with me, they are very groovy, they even let me dress and act like a woman when I am doing it, which is very nice and groovy. They also gave me a company car, an Austin Princess, it really, really is a groovy dream of a ride, but they do tell me not to mention the jam parts so much.
Anyway, back to the history. So, you also had the druids, they dressed in robes, which are kind of like dresses, they were all like (In a James Mason voice), "Hello, hello, I am a druid, I wear a dress and fantastic make up." They all sacrificed people, which isn't so groovy, in fact that is (In French), "Not groovy". You then had the Vikings, they didn't like dresses or make up at all, they just like raping and pillaging, or, if spelt wrong, rapping and pillaging, which is much better, they would have said (in a Sean Connery voice), "Yo, yo, yo, we are Vikings and we are not very groovy in fact we aren't choosy".
Then, Shakespeare came along and started putting on groovy plays, in which, most of the men played women in make up, which is very groovy, they mostly said (In a James Mason voice), "I am a man but I am playing a lady for dramatic purposes, in full make up." Society at the time of course, wasn't very groovy with this, they were like (in Sean Connery voice), "Thish ish no good."
Then the Victorian times came along, everyone was very stuffy. They all stood by mantle pieces speaking French, probably, or like James Mason or Sean Connery.
So, we are all groovy with this now and we like Jam and wear make up. I still have my job covering Horse related sports and I can still appear in films and stink them up, all is well.
We all cross dress in a way.