Greetings my fine, fine friends! I hope you are all well. As you are only too well aware, I do like cooking. I like cooking and eating and sometimes I do like a post culinary parp. Once I trumped so hard my right eye went all wonky. It is because I enjoyed a lovely egg and sausage served with an Admirals Pie, yum yum!!
When ever I make a top movie, I insist on doing the catering myself, sadly, this inevitably leads to eating it all and people end up starving. I did a film once in which the rest of the cast had to eat the script writer just to survive. Mind you, I was fine, I had a lovely Admirals Pie with jelly and ice-cream.
During the latest Harry Potter film, whilst waiting to be made up, I ate the boy that plays Harry Potter, the director called a safari vet and they were able to extract the poor boy from my naughty opportunistic jaws. He was fine, he only needed a mild degree of medical attention, and that new leg, but he is a fine young actor, as well as a fine tasting one, well, the leg was anyway, but not as tasty as Ceri Seel, ex-Tripod actor, whom I ate in 1987 in Chelmsford. I lured the poor boy into my trap by placing a contract to Tripods series 3 and a sandwich in a man-trap. I devoured him by moon light whilst drinking a glass of Chianti (f-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-parp).
The actor Jim Baker wanted me to eat him as well, but I lied and said I was full. The real reason was that he was and will always be my acting inspiration. For my generation, Jim Baker is like the new Gielgud or Olivier, I learnt all I know in acting from Jim Baker, and in his later career he taught me how to drive a bus and become unnaturally obsessed about The Tripods and arrange yearly reunions in which only two of you turn up.
My kind of Sunday will start with me waking up, I will then have a nice hot bath in my giant clam shaped bath, I will wash my dinkle and my bobby balls, then I will scrub my back and make sure my hands are clean. I will then go into the town and purchase the necessary ingredients to make a perfect Sunday dinner. I will firstly drive into a field and kidnap a full cow, place the beast in my boot and pop over to the local allotment and take away a few bits of the necessary veg, I will also do a poo in the wheelbarrow as I do not care for the man who owns this allotment, if I could, I would place a professional "hit" on this chap as he once called me a "prick-stick". I asked him why he had called me such a horrid name? He then advised me that he didn't like that I continually steal his veg once a week without paying, I told him in no uncertain terms that I was in "Blame it on the Bellboy" with Bronson Pinochet and that he should go fuck himself, twice.
So, that is my Sunday ruined, thanks allotment man. If you are reading this, you are dead.
Anyway, Blame it on the Bellboy was brilliant, a comedy classic, rumour has it that Bryan Brown is very proud of this film. Bryan Brown was my favourite part of the film Cocktail, he was a very sexy barman.
In Blame it on the Bellboy I got to simulate full sex with Patsy Kensit, before she looked really old as well, I think she was turned on by me, she looked well up for it. I bet I could of got in there before Liam Neeson did.
I think we all like cooking in a way.
Comments about This Article
Don't blame me, blame it on the bellboy!!! Oh. That's me, fuck. Comment By: Bronson Pinochet, 18 Sep 2008, Rating: 5/5
Haughton or Aughton; I never found out. Comment By: Dudly Moore, 18 Sep 2008, Rating: 5/5
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