In 1982, the statistics on SHC were staggering, 1 in 5 people were likely to Spontaneously Combust before 1983. Truth be told, you were more likely to spontaneously combust than be on Television (not researched, just guessed). Imagine that? (Can you?)
The figures were so amazing that when they were presented to Tensil Mumms, president of The American Association of Well and Cave Devils; he exploded, leaving his wife and three kids to tidy up hits limbs. I myself once spilt some Ribena on my wife’s best frock, but don’t tell her.
The truth is, Combustion is very real, you’ve probably all seen the harrowing pictures of ashes, then an old lady's leg poking out of a sofa and stuff, like in that film, terrifying. By 1985 research had uncovered more harrowing evidence of combustion. Utah, U.S.A. 1978, Terry Roberts returns home from work and saw a U.F.O, the dust kicks up around his small farm, his animals are terrified, all bolting for cover, Terry stands stunned, lifeless, the night sky beams lights that he cannot explain, next thing, he can't remember, next thing he’s got some alien digging around in his anus, see, it's a funny old world. See my point?
Ah, you just don’t get it, open your eyes!
At the United Nations Institute of Well and Cave Devils and Spontaneous Human Combustion and Farming (Or Something like that)* research has been on-going for almost eighty years. Edgar Legs is chief scientist at the institute and an avid trouser wearer. “Every time you sneeze a fairy dies” Edgar said, which I for one was not aware of. “In the fall of 1970 there were more deaths from SHC than anything else, people were literally exploding, especially in Vietnam, our research shows that in Vietnam from 1965 until 1972 there were people blowing up left, right and centre.”
“Because of the war?”
“Oh…yea…sure…excuse me a moment”
Edgar left the room and began to cry, something about years wasted or something. Will the truth ever be discovered?
I doubt it personally. But then I doubt everything. When they asked if I thought 2001 would make a good film I doubted it. And when they asked about 2010, well, I was probably wanking, but I doubt I'd have been happy or interested. I am well old you know, at least 90. Its 2005 now and not a sausage of space travel, god I'm such a cock.
The End.
-Next week - "Well and Cave Devils, I doubt it."
* (True)
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