A Look Into getting kicked in the bollocks with Michel Lonsdale
Hello, Michel here; or Drax, like the power station. Firstly I must stress I'm not a megalomaniac, not even a little bit curious. look in to my eyes, do I look gay ? Don't answer, I can't hear you because I'm not here, I'm waiting on a call for Moonraker 2. A call that I know will never come. Look into my eyes again, I know what your thinking. Your thinking about kicking me in the bollocks aren't you; well don't! I can't explain how painful it is; it's like been kicked in the bollocks.
The first time Roger Moore came round I said to him, "Now then Roger; welcome to my space station, take a good look around, feel the walls; there so smooth and silky and even though I don't get your powder blue safari suit with matching hat I can dig it but please, please try to leave without kicking me in the bollocks"
I don't know what happened next, for no reason he threatened me with a judo chop but instead struck me hard and fast in the nuts with his cream suede slip on loafers. I think he must have realised how much thicker my hair was than his; he's a bastard and he knows it.
Since they stopped showing Moonraker on Itv every Christmas I've had to make some extra cash, so I started writing one liners for '80s action heroes for £20 a pop. I remember the night Dolph Lundgren came round, he wanted to buy some one liners but I told him I was only going for the big guns and to fuck off; so he kicked me in the bollocks. I said something similar to Brian Dennehey but added 'you fat cunt', so he kicked me in the bollocks too and nicked my toy soldiers. I was at my wits end, the Dobermans had left me for Higgins off Magnum P.I, the space station was f.u.b.a.r. (that's one of mine), but then one day Kurt Russell and Sylvester Stallone knocked on my door with the script for Tango and Cash. It was already looking pretty sweet but just needed one finishing touch. After reading it several times I knew exactly what was missing and that missing line was, "freeze; drop the duck". As soon as I called this out they both kicked me in the bollocks and left without paying me my £20; what's worse was that they were both wearing Cuban heels and it really hurt, so I decided to start kicking back in a literal sense. I wrote the script for Tango and Cash 2; I called it Cash and Tango. It starts off with our heroes on a stakeout making fun of each others cocks. Suddenly and for no apparent reason there's a scuffle with some musicians, one of them is a down on his luck Richard Clayderman, but what's this; Tango and Cash are out of bullets, suddenly Cash picks up a rock and smashes Clayderman in the face with it. Cash says to Tango, "You rock". The rest of the film consists of no other script except for one liner after one liner spiralling out of control ending with, "Tango and Cash rock again". It's a similar format to the first one as all good sequels are. It involves-
One of them getting shot whilst obviously not wearing a bullet proof vest but then claiming the opposite.
A bad guy with a big jaw and another who likes his hamsters so much he has named them, 'Kurt and Sly'
Just enough cross dressing to make you think twice.
The phrase, 'Drop the duck', (again)- Lets not mess with a classic.
A monster truck based action sequence with bad continuity.
All in all a blockbuster I think you'll agree.
Remember if you see me in the street try not to kick me in the bollocks; you could be part of my new world order.
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Comments about This Article
Ray Tango: I think that with your IQ, you're unarmed and still VERY dangerous.
I wrote this line when I was ill, on the toilet as it happens. Comment By: Christopher Walken, 15 Sep 2008, Rating: 5/5
This was one of mine :
Ray Tango: When this is over, we have to pay Jabba the Hutt here a visit.
Gabriel Cash: I'll bring the chainsaw.
Ray Tango: I'll bring the beer.
I am suitably ashamed. Comment By: Richard Kiel, 15 Sep 2008, Rating: 5/5