Hello, I am Kelsey Grammer. I am that one from Cheers, Frasier and Cheers and Frasier repeats.
There are many sports I enjoy, American's Football, Tennis, Iced Hockey, Volleyball for girls, strangling chickens and Shooting Monkeys.
I decided that the best way to explain this little known sport to everyone, would be to approach it from the layman perspective.
I grew up on a farm and during my many weekends of boredom, I discovered that I enjoyed machine gunning our family Chimp, "Heathcliff", to death.
Of course, the incident was blamed on someone else. Young Jasper the stable hand. He had got Bessie the maid pregnant and my ol' Pappy was just fixing to give him a beating. So it was that at 2am that night, Jasper was beaten to death with Pappy's metal belt.
With the benefit of hindsight you understand, I regret deeply what happened to Jasper, at the time however, I was relieved. Heathcliff was so dear to my Pappy that I wouldn't have liked to have contemplated the kind of punishment I would have received that fateful night in August.
At the time of his death, Jasper was very close to finding a cure for Aids as I recall, and he had passed an exam to get into Yale. But it was him or me. If I had passed away, the world would have been a horrible place, no Frasier, no Sideshow Bob and worst of all, no "McHale's Navy". Compare that to a cure for Aids, yea, I got that beat.
Anyway, soon after my Pappy bought a new Monkey, "Yazza". Now Yazza and me became firm buddies and shared corn, until one day when I machine gunned him to death. We lost a good cook that summer, and a good mechanic when my Pappy got the 3rd Monkey, "Robocop".
When I moved to L.A. in the late 70's I decided to start a Monkey shooting club, you know, for like minded people. Such as the man that does the voice over for the pretend instructional film in Jurassic Park, the man from the Don't drink and drive adverts, the lady from the Shake & Vac adverts and the man that was "White Town".
We started off in a small Guerrilla (Ironic?) way, going to the Zoo and machine gunning Spider Monkeys to death under the cover of darkness. We could not keep this up however as people began to recognise us, especially "White Town" Man.
So, we set up the L.A.M.G.C (The Los Angeles Monkey Gun Club) and to this day have over 17 members, including such famous faces as Leslie Grantham, Jim Davidson and the man from the newsagent.
We have themed weekends in which we recreate "The Planet of the Apes" And this time, we kill the hairy ape bastards and drink their blood right up.
I think that covers everything. Remember, you will have to do it one day.
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