Halo, I am Professor Heinz Wolf. Being half dog-like mammal and half manufacturer of table sauces, I am acutely aware of the world around me.
Also, as a top celebrity scientist of the 1980's I find I need to make it my business to care.
I consider crime in all its forms abhorrent , Murder doubly so.
I remember in the 1980's I was in the TV extravaganza "The Great Egg Race"
Lesley Judd told me that she saw someone murdered on a housing estate, she said she saw someone put a bicycle pump in the dead man's mouth and attempt to pump him up, she then went on to
say that the man was so full of air that he popped and proceeded to whiz around the housing estate like a spent balloon.
This story, is of course, bullshit.
As a scientist however, I simply cannot say that I believed this story to be the product of an over active lady mind, I had to deliberate and check my facts.
I considered what Lesley told me and presented my case against her story -
1. If you put a bicycle pump in someones mouth and begin to pump in air, all that would happen is that you would get a sore arm!
The human body is much more complicated than many people give it credit for. If you pump that much air out of a very small nozzle the air pressure would not be sufficient enough to inflate a human body, never mind over inflate. There is also the fact that the mouth is too big to contain the small nozzle and would therefore cause a great deal of air to escape through the gaps in the mouth.
To perform this act properly, you would really need some kind of bullet full of air, like in Live and Let Die when Dr. Kananga/Mr.Big is inflated in just such a fashion and actually explodes, now that I believe, as I saw it with my own eyes.
2. The idea of a human beings whizzing around once popped like a balloon, quite frankly makes me want to puke, I would punch a child if he asked me about that.
I once punched Ronnie Corbett when he asked me to co-host "Small Talk". I said to him, "You are fucking small, you should talk" and then I punched him in the face and broke his new Elton John glasses, "Why did you do that?" He said. "I am a scientist!" I barked over and over again whilst hitting him with my broom in perfect rhythm with my words.
2. Lesley Judd is full of shit, she claims she caught me having one off of the wrist into the Blue Peter tortoises box whilst it was hibernating. This is not true, it WAS NOT hibernating, it wanted it, they all do.
Anyway, back to murder.
In 1991 I heard someone had been murdered in my local area. I decided to call the local police station(999) and offer my assistance. I told them that they would be in need of my keen scientific intellect and that if I could, "solve E pie'd squared or something, I could solve a fucking murder, no worries". This seemed to swing it and they had me on board. I was taken off of the investigation after the second week when I accidentally locked myself in my own Austin Princess and had to sleep there for three days, this it would seem, failed to impress them and the murder remains unsolved.
I think what I am trying to say is that, Murder is bad, but have we all not murdered something once or twice? I know I have.
Remember to use Science as well, but not too much as I will be out of a job.
Nothing written on this site is intended to be true or factual, and none of the celebrities named in the 'Look Into' section have anything to do with this website. Their 'contributions' are entirely fictional and have been created by the authors of Hobo-Bonobo. The opinions expressed on Hobo-Bonobo.co.uk are not those of anyone, particularly not the people to whom they have been accredited.
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