Preface = Hello, since 1990 I have been investigating the mysterious dissapearence of Terry Thomas, the discoveries I think you will agree are truly startling. After a search lasting over 18 years it was one afternoon whilst taking a poo in my kitchen sink where resting beside me lay a battered and torn journal. As I opened the first page there was a drawing of an old fashioned black phone and cigarette extension device, underneath it simply read. '2p'; scrawled in monkey blood. I read on. The journal took me on a journey lasting 40 years, starting in 1966, on a day when a chance encounter between Terry and Sid James who had just finished filming the part of the Rumpo Kid in Carry on Cowboy lead to a conversation at a gentlemans club near Pinewood Studios that Sid had had with Albert Einstein regarding the possible tools to create a time dialation device. The journal went on to disclose Terrys' quest to design and engineer the two devices he would need to time travel and by dialling the year into his phone and taking a crafty drag through the cigarette extention he could journey anywhere.
I enclose the last page on his journal, unread by myself as yet, we will discover together what happened to Terry on his first journey and I'm sure we will soon both be privalage to the wonders and secrets of the universe as they are revealed to us courtesy of Terry Thomas.
~Lego Indiana Jones~
Terry writes~ "Well ding dong", I said to her as I pulled out, "what a small world, I did know your Mother but I'm not your Father"
Anyhoo, later that afternoon I'd made my final calculations and check list
1, 3 piece plad tweed suit acceptable in any time
2, a selection if ú1 notes and shillings for currency that can be used anytime, anywhere
3, cheeky grin which will help me score with future and past ladies
4, Highly polished time travelling spats
5, Boot polish for hair and tash with a shine
6, Turtleneck, white pants and sports jacket for tennis
7, Sock suspenders
8, No condoms; (Terry doesn't advertise)
9, Script for Condorman, (to be taken to the end of time and abandoned)
11, Another script for Condorman, (to be cast into the fires of Hell (2072))
13, Suggestions for Bubby Broccoli; (that he tells his cousin Cubby, that eventually Sid James will be the right choice for James Bond)
14, Devices to discredit and take down Russ Abbot. He knows why !
15, A third and final script for Condorman to be left for safekeeping with the accident prone Frank Spencer with the instruction he never gives it to Michael Crawford
16, Signed topless autograph of Babs Windsor
For my first attempt I dialled in 1970, Pinewood Studios, 'The Gentlemans Club', in what seemed literally a jiffy I was there and instantly bumped into an older gruff looking Sid James, he said he's just finished playing the part of Sydney Roughdiamond in Carry on Up the Jungle, we laughed and had a few drinks before staring at a signed picture of Barbara Windsor and rubbing our thighs. It was then I saw something which shook the very foundation of what I was doing. In Sids jacket pocket I spied a packet of Bourbons but upon closer inspection I noticed the price, "2p, I say there old chap", I said, "I'm off back to 1966; fuck that".
When I got home I posted the time phone to France and moved on to cigars. What conclusions had I drawn from this experience ?
Well; in some way or another time revolves around Sid James and you can't predict the price of bourbons.
Chin, Chin, T. T.
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