Did you read Jurassic Park? Did you see Jurassic Park? Or the sequel? The lost something or other? Well, it was all based on dinosaurs, you know? Those big lizards? Like in my book Prey where nans attack people and stuff. Well, the Loch Ness Monster is kind of a big dinosaur, and when I heard about It, I had to see it.
So, one morning on the 18th July 1987 I left Beverly Hills, America, for Scotland. I was greeted at the airport by Leslie McDonald (or something like that, he was a Scottish man, didn’t make a note of his name, don’t care to be honest, so sue me, goddamn it I wrote Westworld).
We took our seats in Leslie’s Austin Princess (a dream of a ride, a man's car, I loved it so much I bought eight, and all with the money from that gash film I did of Coma, mind you, I did film lots of girls with their titties hanging out). Leslie began to tell me of all the sightings; Leslie himself had seen Bigfoot, Star Wars, Jaws and the Hendersons in the choppy waters of Loch Ness.
I began to think that there was more to Loch Ness than I first thought. Could it be a big bit of water (Don’t know the technical term, in fact in not really concentrating as I write this, I've had some really bad cheese, sue me, goddamn it I wrote Airframe) full of bizarre pre-historic creatures and monsters. I decided to do some research (well, to be honest I didn’t, I took the money for this and spent it on really good ass, so sue me, fuck you goddamn it, I wrote Congo). I spoke to many of the simple people of Loch ness, each of them had a story to tell, each had seen something mysterious, something indescribable, something. I decided to take a trip to the Loch and see for myself.
The morning alarm rang in my ear, I knew it was time to begin my quest, the morning was freezing, so cold my Austin Princess was covered in frost, but I had absolutely no problems starting her, even in the harshest winters it starts, or your money back. The rough and tumble of the country lanes made me think of things, mainly more books I could write, at least 12, this could so easily be Jurassic Park 3, well, actually they’ve made that, but how could they, I didn’t write it? Ok, well, this could be Jurassic Park 4 then, yea, I must remember to copywrite that idea, oh shit, and I’ve dropped my Dictaphone.
I reached the plateau of the hill; I pulled over to the side of the road and saw something I will never forget, Something I had never seen before or since. Something so breathtaking I had to sit down. I rubbed my eyes in disbelief, I couldn’t take it, it was all too much, I supply a transcript of my Dictaphone recordings of those few moments:
M.C : My god, I see it, its body, it sails across
the water like a beautiful vessel, like Neptune…(crying)…
it's just so beautiful...
When I got back in my car and put on my glasses I realised it was a piece of drift wood, but hey, everyone makes mistakes, fuck you buddy, I wrote The Great Train Robbery what have you wrote, huh?
I sat there all day, I didn’t see anything, but I may have missed something. I really wasn’t concentrating, and I did sleep a bit, well, ok I wasn’t actually looking, I was writing my new book, Death and Roses about a florist who becomes encased in amber,combined with frogs and made into a theme park. I was thinking of making Jurassic Park 4, but my hand got tired.
Well, I stayed in Scotland for a few weeks (days) and I decided eventually that maybe I wasn’t meant to see the monster, after all, I have the best imagination in the world (you better agree buster or I'll sue your ass), maybe the monster wants me to imagine what it looks like and write about it, like in The Lost World. In those days (hours) in Scotland I learnt some valuable lessons, one of the biggest lessons being that if that monster wanted me to see it, it would have made me see it, not waited for me to see it, you understand? No? Well, screw you, I'm Michael fucking Crichton, and you're not. The point is, I think The Loch Ness Monster does exist, yes, but only in the hearts and minds of us all, I guess were all The Loch Ness Monster, in a way.
I've been Michael Crichton, good night, god bless and buy more of my books.
Next Week – Westworld, best film ever?
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