Hi, My name is Tom Selleck, you may know me better as Magnum P.I. or as that memorable cowboy I played, can't remember his name.
You may also be aware that I was originally in line to play Indiana Jones, but I was under contract to do another season of Magnum, so I had to turn it down, thank god I did, Magnum is much better than Indiana Jones, everyone knows that.
Folk music is music for all folks, it is as simple as that.
It was invented by Alan Folk in 1903 in Derbyshire (Pronounced Derbyshirrrre) in England (Pronounced Enger-land).
Alan was putting up a clock in his toilet one day when he fell and hit his head on the bowl, when he awoke he had the idea for dancing with hankies, and a new form of music was born. The following day Alan got up real early and started to build musical instruments, he started with the guitar(Pronounced gee-tar) and then after breakfast he invented the bell (Pronounced bell).
By lunch time he was writing tunes (Pronounced toons) and dancing with hankies, the people of his village thought he was a crazy, and they may have been right! The villagers began to join in with his dancing and help build further instruments, on that crazy day many instruments were invented, the weirdest being the electric drill, later renamed the Hurdy Gurdy. Alan was a busy man, by night time he invented dressing like a bell-end, this was surely his masterstroke. "Why don't we wear stupid loud colours and black ourselves up?" he was heard to say, "That way we will look really cool."
It was around this time that Alan met the other father of folk music, Paul Kettle. Paul Kettle was travelling around England selling gear stick knobs, business was slow as no one had any cars, indeed, they didn't know what one was, that's just how ahead of his time Paul was. Paul happened upon Alan on May 13th that year and within an hour they had invented beards, drinking ale, sandals and socks and no shame when going to the toilet.
The country of Britain suddenly began to rejoice and express joy through dance and song, just like if you lived with a mental.
But with this much fun came a great deal of sadness. The next day Alan tragically died of AIDS, and that was the day that the music died, just like when Buddy Holly tragically fell from that window and overdosed in that plane crash shooting. Legend has it that if you look in the mirror on the 14th May at six o'clock you will see Alan's schlong wobbling about a bit, slowly.
It was only a few short years later that everyone discovered that I was better than Harrison Ford, even without my moustache, that is right baby.
Now, I must go, I'm off to rub Higgins.
Tom
xxx
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