Hello, I am Bryan Ferry, when I am not singing and playing music I am usually wooing les femmes, or as they are more commonly known, women.
A woman is like a man, but minus the poke and not as good at driving. My women are sophisticated in their tastes, and sophisticated in their need for love.
I won’t lie to you, it is in no way easy to woo a lady, it takes years of dedication and an appreciation of the subtle beauty of the saxophone. A dimming of the lights can also melt the butter, as can saying rude words. The first stage of romancing a lady is to locate your quarry. I would start in a nightclub, like "Tonto's" in Montego Bay, or "Daktari" in Dunstable, near the Dixons on the mini roundabout.
Once you have spotted your prey, it is time to woo. I usually start by sending a bottle of champagne over to the lady, or something of equivalent erotic value, like a snowball or a half of bitter.
Make sure you have the barman indicate where the drink has come from, and when the lady looks across in awe, be sure to give a sly wink and raise your glass. Do not under any circumstances rub yourself or remove any clothing, this is bad and will usually render the wooing null and void (unless of course you are in Dunstable, in which case the opposite applies).
If the appropriate signal is given, approach your potential mate and begin what we like to call, "small-talk". Lines such as, "have we met before?" or "what time do those close?" usually do the trick. You could also try saying you are Bryan Ferry, but that usually only works for me.
Once small talk has run its inevitable course, try anecdotes, these are easy and quick ways of making a lady laugh and winning her favour. You could start with the one about Bryan Eno falling in dog mess, but again, that only usually works for me, you can have this one for free though:
“I was in the library the other day and a book fell off the shelf.”
That should do the trick.
Once you have finished with the anecdotes, it should only be a case then of ordering a taxi and popping back to your Mayfair pad (again, Mayfair pad only really applies to me).
I hope this helps.
See you down in Rio-o-o-o-o-o.
Bryan
|
