Hi, I’m Michael Douglas, and I am addicted to sex.
I don’t just mean I like blue movies and magazines, I mean proper rumpo with ladies.
Ladies really like me, I have a neck like a turkey and a weird voice, but they can’t get enough of my hot butt. I mainly pick movies where there is a lot of sex involved, so I can see ladies parts and let them have a look at mine.
I remember in 1984, I was making Romancing the Stone in South America with Kathleen Turner and Danny de Vito.Kathleen was really hot, I say was, unlike me she has been unable to keep her looks and sex appeal, now she looks like an old bus, shame, I always wanted to, though we did do a sequel “Jewell in the Nile” (with Danny De Vito in the bin) and “The War of the Roses” (Directed by Danny De Vito in the bin) though neither of them were any good really, though I did like it when I did a wee in the pot.
There I was, in a tent, in the middle of South America, when I suddenly realised I was the sexiest man alive, I mean so sexy, my part in the film was a gun toting jungle hustler, but really I was an erotic bandit who sexed ladies and made them my sensual prisoners (see metaphor of me with loads of birds in cages)
I must have sexed at least 30 women in that year, then I did Fatal Attraction, I pretended to sex Glenn Close, though I didn’t like it as she was pretty rough looking, she looked like a chicken if you ask me.
Sex addiction is a serious subject; it can be a gravely crippling malady, affecting every 1 man in 15 (not researched) I once heard of a man who wanted to sex so much he was sick, I’m not kidding.
This is why I have donated my fee for this to the Sexy Clinic in Idaho.
Basic Instinct was next, now I know what you’re thinking, did Sharon Stone and I really sex up? No, I don’t think we did, but if it sounds more hunky, yes we did.
That film was so sexy, I remember having to wear that strange jumper and sex up a woman in her office for a whole 4 seconds, I was on top of the world and looking for another project to use my erotic wizardry on.
Nothing else really turned up, I was offered Basic Instinct 2, but I didn’t want to go near her again as she was mental and had an ice pick.
It was around this time of uncertainty that I met my wife Catherine Zeta Jones; you may remember her from “The Darling Bum of May” in which she played a girl. Catherine fell deeply in love with me, obviously.
I know what you’re thinking, it was the money, no, wrong, she didn’t know I was rich, she told me, and I believed her, so who is the fool?
We have been at it like the clappers and have a few babies now, so it just goes to show that it’s not what you know but who you are that counts, or something, we are all sex addicts in a way.
I have been Michael Douglas, and you haven’t.
|
