Hello, my name is Michael Caine, I think a lot of people know that. People often think I say “not a lot of people know that” all the time but I don’t. Many people always say that they remember where they were when Louis Armstrong walked on the moon in 1969.
Well, I don’t.
I remember where I was when I got my first Austin princess, I’d just tucked into a nice Admiral’s pie at Roger Moore’s house when it was delivered, lovely blue one, with a horn that sounded like Dukes of Hazzard. I also remember that Roger had salt and pepper shakers that looked like a pair of knockers, and by knockers I of course mean lovely bouncing Charlies.
Dead tasteful they were too. Roger used to joke that the pepper one brought tears to his eyes - that used to make me laugh a lot, I always thought he meant because it was such a massive knork. I didn’t know then what I know now: that he was fatally allergic to pepper. I wish I hadn’t made him sniff it now, mind you, he only lost a bollock in the end, he didn’t die, but he couldn’t make any more Bond films, just Spice World and Bullseye (I did that too though, and both my balls are safe, no excuse there).
NASA is an organisation in America that shoot objects into space in a big rocket, I’m sure you knew that, in fact you could say, “not a lot of people know that.”
But they do.
So there is really nothing else to add there, I could bore you about space and moons and the sun revolving around Venus, but there is really no point.
Jaws the Revenge is a misunderstood film, many people dismiss it as a load of shite about a shark that follows some bird to the Bahamas to munch her up, which is basically it in a nut shell, but it’s about so much more, like showing you that I can dance, kiss and laugh and I’m a dab hand at side partings. You also get to see the lovely acting of Lance Guest, who tragically is no longer with the Milk Marketing Board.
I remember when I got the script offering me the part of “Hoagie” the charismatic pilot, adventurer and poet. I was immediately drawn by his depth of character and his almost psychic ability to second guess Ellen Brody - he could sense her fear of the beast, he had an instinct for danger, but, no matter how hard he tried, she wouldn’t let him touch her big bouncing bristols. I suggested that to the director as an ending, as I was dead into Benny Hill, having worked with him in “The Italian Job.”
I suggested that in the final compelling climax, just as the shark approaches the boat, it should explode, but explode for no reason whatsoever, and we all celebrate and the film ends with me having a go on Mrs Brody’s jubblies, but the director wouldn’t have it. He did keep the idea about the shark exploding though, not sure if that was the best decision, but there you go.
I can’t help thinking that I have missed the point slightly, but what do you expect for a couple of grand, war and fucking peace?
I think not.
Alright?
Michael.
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